darling

burn out is something you’ve dealt with multiple times in your life, it was something you just couldn’t avoid living in a world that was so far from accommodating for your disability. but this time it was different, cause it was the first one you’ve had since getting with Dex. life had become too much, everything running you down until you crumbled under the pressure, and now, you were in bed all day, your mind and body too overwhelmed with it all. and Dex was beyond concerned, it was one big meltdown, and after that, you were different, almost empty. you cried, you were constantly tired, sleeping all day, couldn’t get yourself to the bath, to change your clothes, it was all too much. but Dex was patient, he had to be, or else you could shut down even more. he stayed by your side through it all.

he’d help you to the bath, helping you wash your hair and body since you were just exhausted to even think of it yourself, he was careful, making sure not to set off any sensory issues, all the while being thorough so it’d last longer. giving you breaks whenever you’d get overwhelmed, quietly praising you “you’re doing so good sweetheart”, and comforting you when you’d suddenly feel uncomfortable, “i know, we’re almost done, i promise” he’d wipe your quiet tears, rinsing your hair, getting all the shampoo out so you wouldn’t feel the sting as it dried. drying off your hair and brushing it for you, making you feel nice and clean without the usual exhaustion that’d burn into you if had done it yourself.

the burnout had made everything way more difficult, your sensory issues going haywire, becoming even more sensitive to sound, light, smell, and touch. so much so, that the simple feeling of anyone brushing against your skin hurt, that was something Dex found the most difficult in this time, him simply touching you could hurt you. he couldn’t help but get insecure about it, the way you’d recoil at his small casual touches, and he knew you didn’t mean to hurt him with your reaction, having tears in your eyes, your face filled with confusion and discomfort, but he couldn’t keep that part of him deep inside from thinking that you hated him, that you despised having him around. “i’m sorry! i didn’t mean—“ choking on his words, eyes burning with tears as he watched you try and fix your pain, shaking your head wanting him to know that it wasn’t his fault; but being too overwhelmed to speak. hugging him tightly once you’ve calmed down, “sorry” being the only thing you could mutter as you took his hands, placing them around you in a way that didn’t hurt, Dex understanding immediately and did as instructed, thankful that you were able to show him how he could touch you without being harmful.

on the good days, you’d try and help out around the apartment as much as you could, hanging out the laundry, sweeping the floors, the simple things at first, but when you tried something that took a little more effort and thought, you just couldn’t. then you realized that your ability to do things (that you could’ve easily do before) had regressed, you felt like such a failure, and the self loathing came down on you like a load of bricks, “so stupid— i hate it, hateithateithateit” your fists pounded against your head as you cried in frustration. hyperventilating as you started to see spots in your vision, you felt Dex hastily wrapped his arms around you, restraining your arms. the vague sound of his voice moved through your ears like a fog, raw cries ripped from your throat, your mind drowning in a delirious disgust of yourself, “so fucking useless—!” your voice broke, strained and painful as you just cried into the air. he pressed his face into your back, you could feel the vibration of his voice against your ribs but all you could hear was your own desperate gasps for air. he held you as you crumbled into the floor, and just sat with you, his forehead resting on your shoulder blade, quietly whispering unheard comfort to you, letting you just cry it out until you just became a whimpering mess with your face buried in your knees. quietly sniffling as you felt his thumb gently caressing your knuckles, your ears sore from the pressure in your head, “shh shh sh… you’re not useless, you’re perfect..” he whispered into your aching heart, leaning into his touch, letting out a small whimper as you turned into him, burying your face into his neck, “there you are honey..”

seeing your state, the way you felt so empty from exhaustion, losing your sense of self to the searing tension in your nervous system, it was horrible. Dex couldn’t bear it, it tore at him every second, it was as if there was an invisible force torturing you for months on end while he just had to stand there and watch. he’d do anything, anything, to end this pain. so if you needed him to hold you and take care of you, that’d be nothing, being more than happy to do that and more if it made your day even a little better. gladly being your caretaker, he just wanted you to feel happy and secure again.

even your speech was different, and you knew it. suddenly getting brain fog and just completely forgetting words you’ve previously known in that moment, often getting frustrated with yourself as your words just come out scrambled, put together completely wrong from what you had in mind, and of course, the feeling of your tongue being all wrong, your manner of speaking becoming clearly off, feeling as if you had become tongue tied over nothing. it was so exhausting, so much so that you didn’t even want to speak anymore, just to avoid that humiliation your tongue gave you every time you opened your mouth. Dex seeing and hearing your frustration, he’d keep coaxing you to speak, not wanting you to completely shut down, “i understand baby, i know it’s hard” murmuring into your hair as you laid on his chest covering your face, embarrassed. looking for any excuse to get you talking, his eyes fixated on one of your books, remembering how much you’d ramble on about it in the past. he kisses your head, catching your attention, “could you tell me about it?” he’d ask softly, brushing his finger over the cover, you moved your hands off your face and saw what he was talking about and almost instantly, your heart spiked in excitement, nodding your head before slowly stuttering into your vocal essay, still stopping here and there when you’d mess up your words, but the pure joy forcing you to continue on as he listened intently.

your days blending together as you end up doing the same few things everyday so you wouldn’t get overwhelmed with any sudden changes. Dex would make you dinner and breakfast every day, the same food every day, though he’d always ask if you wanted something else just in case, but the answer always remained the same. while he was gone at work, you’d spend most of your time in bed, on your phone, or in the living room watching movies and tv, the same thing every day like a routine. it was comfortable, but brain numbing, which was exactly what you wanted for a while, until you didn’t. waking up one night feeling restless, Dex being woken from the feeling of you getting up from bed, padding over to the dresser putting on one of his hoodies then walking out of the bedroom, “honey— whatareyoudoing..” he grunted, eyes squinting as he sat up. then he heard you put on your shoes and he shot up, fully awake. “baby where..” he walked up behind you, watching as you struggled to tie your shoelaces in your pjs, “what are you doing?” he asked carefully, “want out” your sleepy murmur being barely audible, Dex sighed softly, getting down in front of you, taking your hands, kissing them before tying your shoes for you, “it’ll be cold out” he reminded you, making you hum, “how about we put on some warmer clothes and i’ll go with you, ‘kay?” you nodded your head to his suggestion, getting on a warm sweater under his hoodie and then your jacket as he got dressed too, going on a late walk in the cool spring night, Dex smiling to himself as you had finally gone out for the first time in weeks.

the quiet moments after Dex came home from work was when the two of you were the most at peace, enjoying each other’s company without needing to fill the air with words. sitting cuddled up on the sofa, the tv on low volume, or just relaxing in bed, as he laid beside you, eyes fixed on you as you sat there, watching you rock your body back and forth with your headphones on, your face completely peaceful. he loved seeing you like this, mind resting, calm.

slowly feeling like yourself again, the constant tension in your body dissipating with time, feeling relieved that it didn’t last as long as you knew it could’ve, remembering that your previous burnout had lasted years. but with Dex and the constant support he’s given you; helped you get ‘out’ of your burnout faster than you’ve ever before, being able to live normally again after only half a year or so, now holding back on your masking a lot more, only doing it if you have to, living unmasked and free, being able to deal with your struggles with a lot more ease.

being so grateful for Dex, him having dealt with it every day, not making you feel bad for your condition, not once. even as you screamed, cried your lungs out, and hurt yourself. or the opposite, when you just shut completely down, shutting him out. he stayed, waiting by your side no matter what. he wasn’t someone who’d just abandon you when things got tough, he sticked through, which is a lot more than a lot of others would have done.