So yes yes yes the thing about Ilya's suicidality is that it is the crux of the entire situation. He's chasing cheap thrills maybe to feel something, sure, that's the old cliche and it would appeal to him. But also maybe because...well eventually it's gonna happen. He's going to get caught and there are going to be assumptions made and the heavy cudgel of the country of his birth is going to come down onto him because he's EMBARASSED them, because he has MADE A LAUGHING STOCK of the country of Russia by being caught this way and executing what to the outside observer would seem to be a real bait and switch (The women?? THE WOMEN?? Everyone is yelling, which is why it's crucial that Ilya be caught with the dick in his own mouth--it's one thing to be an equal opportunity penetrator (there is cultural stuff about this in Russia; you are Not As Gay if you are the one doing the penetrating) and a whole other thing to be caught in an alleyway with some delicate little thing's thing in your mouth.)
And yes he was high and yeah maybe he wouldn't have done that specific thing if he wasn't but honestly who knows. He wakes up to the news of his own outing and his first thought is Oh Okay It's Done. He's done it. He's signed his own death warrant. Maybe he doesn't have to go back to Russia today or tomorrow but someday he will and he knows what's waiting for him there. At the hands of state-sanctioned violence or a good old fashioned hate crime or maybe even fucking Alexei and whatever goons he can scrounge up. So he knows that's going to happen. No more wondering if or why. Now it's only when and how.
And then Shane fucking Hollander happens, as he always does. And Ilya, who is literally saying LET ME DIE HERE has to deal with the fact that he's not going to be allowed to so long as Shane Hollander has breath in his body. And then he's going to have to confront why that is. And then he's going to have to deal with his own suicidality for both of their sakes because if Shane is going to drag him back from the edge of his own personal bridge (The idea that he WILL die young and beautiful, just like Mama) then for fuck's sake he's gonna have to drag Shane back from his (The exquisite pain of self denial and flagellation, which Shane is using to hide from every aspect of his own life that might make it worth FUCKING LIVING) They are gonna hold onto each other and kick to the fucking surface and they are going to learn to want to live together.
Step one of the plan is secure Ilya's safety in North America step two is scream and cry and yell and step three is pin Shane to the bed and say his name 42 times in a row while fingering him until they both forget what it's like to want to stop existing. And somewhere along the way maybe Ilya will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even though his mother didn't and Shane will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even if he wants to live as a man who loves men.
(follow up of the accidental outing au)
THIS IS EVERYTHING TO MEEEE‼️‼️‼️‼️😭😭😭😭😭🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏💔💔💔💔💔
This part especially really is the heart of this au:
Step one of the plan is secure Ilya's safety in North America step two is scream and cry and yell and step three is pin Shane to the bed and say his name 42 times in a row while fingering him until they both forget what it's like to want to stop existing. And somewhere along the way maybe Ilya will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even though his mother didn't and Shane will figure out that he's allowed to want to live even if he wants to live as a man who loves men.
Like,,, Ilya waiting to die and Shane refusing to live,,, both indulging in their own kinds of passive suicide,,, except they can't let the other go, but the only way to pull them off the cliff's edge is if they climb off it with them,,, can you believe this started as an excuse to hear your thoughts on jealous make up sex,,, life is so beautiful 💕🌷🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼🏵️💐🌷🌸🌹🌺🌻🌼🏵️💐🏵️🌼🌻
And the thing is THE THING IS!!!!!! Part of the hurt on Shane's side is like,,, it was supposed to be HIM‼️‼️It was meant to be HIM getting caught in a compromising position with Ilya, not some fucking nameless stranger. What the hell???
For so long, Shane's biggest, most all encompassing fear was being outed, even before he could ever articulate his own desire he feared being found out for it. And being outed really is Shane's worst nightmare, the complete collapse of the image he's made of himself, the implosion of his life as he knows it. So Shane should be happy it wasn't him that got sucked into Ilya's undertow, right?? Wasn't this the risk he's been talking about before every hookup, the thing that he tried to convince himself wasn't worth risking?? Shouldn't he be heaving a sigh of relief that he was careful enough to avoid being collateral in Ilya's car crash of a life??
But he's not happy. He's not happy that ilya has to face the music alone. Because it was supposed to be HIMMMMMM‼️‼️‼️‼️ This was the fucking sword of Damocles hanging over Shanes head his entire life!!!! And when it came down, it was supposed to come down on him and Ilya TOGETHER. So why the FUCK is it falling on Ilya's head alone?? Ilya takes the fall and Shane comes out unscathed, his shiny golden boy veneer unstained??? FUCK THAT!!!!!
Which is why Shane flays himself for Ilya: he comes out to his parents (who aren't fucking morons, no one comes out in solidarity with a stranger), he aligns his image alongside Ilya's, he opens his entire life to scrutiny by choosing to help Ilya through this scandal.
And he does it all because it's what was always meant to be: Shane and Ilya, mentioned in the same breath, a matched set in everything forever. Even in this.
