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lauren headers

warnings: religious household, internal homophobia, denial, angst and i think thats it.

summary: she was your childhood bsf, but you grew differently… what happens when you aren’t able to control yourself anymore? well, you truly saw the consequences of that.

“why does my skin starts to burn?”

that’s the only thought that would keep you up all night, was it so wrong? but why you couldn’t get enough of her?

— months before.

you and reneé had been best friends for almost your entire existence, she had always been your home, your safe space.

You truly believed that nothing would ever keep you away from each other, well, you were wrong.

since you two started growing up, she had always been that rebellious kid, and you? you were your parents babydoll, always dressed in pink, bows all over your hair, long shiny skirts… while she always dressed boyish, and it annoyed your parents, really annoyed them.

you were in your junior year of high school, reneé was in her senior, she was two years older than you, you two had changed, and you could help but blush around her, she always treated you so nicely, you just thought of her all the time. this is normal isn’t it? she is your best friend, is normal to want her all the time.. to shiver each time her hands acidentally brush your thighs.

her being older wouldn’t matter to you, but it did to your parents.

can you picture an extremely religious household? well you could, because you lived in one, your best friend always invited you to do stuff and you were almost locked inside your house 24/7.

she had invited you to an party, but you politely said no, knowing that you couldn’t go even if you wanted to.

well, she didn’t listen this time, and now you were staring at your window, in panic.

reneé climbed an fucking tree.

she was outside your fucking window.

you were so fucking screwed.

“what are you waiting for?? open this up!” she whispered loud enough for you to hear and almost freak out, as soon as you opened the window, she slowly entered your bedroom

“what are you doing were?! it’s 10pm i need to sleep!!” you said, extremely paranoid that your parents would hear something, you felt your body burning around her, as she stared at you up and down with an smirk

“you are going to that party, its my eighteen birthday, you have to go.” she said with an whiny tone, almost begging for you to go

“ren you know that I can’t…” you said breaking the eye contact, feeling embarrassed

“hey, look at me” she gently touched your hands, holding your pinky finger “i will bring you back in less than 2 hours okay? pinky promise.” she said looking deeply at your eyes, her gaze always made your heart race and you didn’t understand why.

“okay.. but i don’t know what to wear, and i know your friends would make fun of me if i showed up with any of my pink dresses.” you knew that reneé’s friends were the cool kids, you truly couldn’t understand why she even sticked by your side.

“do you think i didn’t thought about that?” she said with an cozy smile, giggling as she handed you an pink top with a little bow, delicate lacy details, and some of her pants… “mastermind here babe.” she says in an cocky tone, giggling. but you just blushed heavily with the nickname, she would normally just call you ‘bunny’, ‘darling’…

“do you bought this top just for me? its not something you would usually have in your wardrobe…” you giggle shyly, she was usually with baggy clothes, nothing that feminine and delicate.

“yep, im not such a princess like you are, now go get dressed, i cant be late to my own party” she giggled pushing you to your closet, as you dresses the outfit she gave you… the top was tight, tight enough to make a little bit of your chest show.

you really wanted to wear it so you put an white jacket on top of it. as you walked out of the closet, reneé just stared at you.

“you’re gorgeous bunny” she said getting closer to you and grabbing your hand “ready to go?” you quickly nod your head as she helps you jump your own window.

— 1 hour after.

she didn’t leave your side, but you could feel all the looks her friends gave you, it made you want to cry. as soon as you could, you locked yourself in the bathroom.

“what’s wrong with me?”

that’s all you could think, until you heard an knock on the door. “bunny? are you in there? let me in” you opened the door to find reneé with her messy blonde hair and her deep blue eyes staring at you.

“what happened? did someone said something to you? are you okay?” she said feeling your sad gaze, she stared at you with genuine concern. but you didn’t say nothing, you just look down as she surprises you by wrapping her both arms around your sides, hugging you tightly.

you couldn’t do nothing but hug her back and shiver with her warmth… you felt your heart racing, your body trembling, your legs slightly shaking. you finally stared at her, but not in an usual way, you couldn’t control yourself, you just followed your instincts. you were tired of holding back what you craved for years.

“bunny? what are you doin-“ she tried to say before you interrupted her with your lips on her mouth, she was surprised but she kissed you back. you didn’t have any experience in this, the kiss started in a sloppy way until she started to control it. reneé’s hands started to go down your sides, landing on your waist.

the kiss was slow, soft, passionate… until you back down and stared at her in disbelief. “i-im sorry” you said as she stared at you with an smirk “stop it bunny, you don’t imagine how long i was waiting to do this” her smirk disappeared as tears started going down your face.

“this is wrong, i need to go, i need to go home” you said frenetically, almost having an panic attack.

“w-wait, what?” she says not understanding why you were so freaked out

“i can’t be like this, i-i can’t be a lesbian, i literally can’t, i am a good girl i-i need to act like one… f-fuck why i feel like my skin is burning”

you walked out of the bathroom, leaving her alone there as she tried to follow you, you started almost running. “y/n! please come here!” she says tearing up as she runs towards you, when she can finally catch your arm she tries not to cry.

“i-i can take you home, please don’t do this to me bunny, please.” she says tearing apart as she could feel your denial.

“m-my parents were right.. i c-can’t be your friend ren… i-i dream of eternal life, i can’t end up going to hell… i c-cant sin like this.” you said sobbing, backing off as she tries to walk towards you.

“bunny i love you, please, loving someone can’t be the wrong thing to do, right?” she looked at you forcing an smile “right?” she started sobbing as you kept quiet

“god wouldn’t approve us, h-he didnt made me to do such things…. religion is almost the law.” you said sobbing less then before

“love will always be the law, religion is taught.” she says, trying to make you stay.

“i can’t do this, i-im sorry ren.” you said as you continued to walk away from there, with tears rolling down your cheeks. You looked back, seeing her staring at you from a far, like she was waiting for you to come back and hug her again, tell her its okay and you can still be friends. but it didn’t happened.

you came back to your house, sleeping on top of your soaked bible… you cried yourself to sleep that night. the guilt was inside of you, you felt dirty, gross, unlovable. Why you felt like this? why couldn’t you be like her and love who you want to?

you just couldn’t let yourself be like this, you had to be “perfect”, and perfect girls don’t kiss other girls… right?

— 4 years later.

For all these years, the only thing you did was fighted with all the thoughts that made you believe that you need to be “perfect”… one of those things was leaving your parents house and moving to college.

You still remembered her, i think the only thing you couldn’t remember is anytime when she wasn’t in your thoughts. You stalked her on social media, you knew that she had a new girlfriend, you were truly happy for her, besides the thought..

“what would happen if I didn’t runned away that night? what would happen if i didn’t ghosted her? that could be me?”

but the hardest one was thinking that shes right, she deserves someone who had always been ready to show the world what they are… someone unlike you, someone better. that was what made you cry to sleep almost all night.

your college was an really good one, you had a wonderful roommate and you were following your dreams, isn’t that beautiful? well, now you were free from your household and from yourself… but something brought you back there.

“y/n? is it you?”

you heard her voice, reneé’s voice;

and you felt your heart racing just like before;

you’re so fucking screwed.