Just one

I’m not sure. I know that I have this overwhelming urge to write books. However, it’s imposter syndrome that is holding me back. Why would anyone listen to me. I have zero knowledge on this and I’ve not gone to school for it but I want to. I have a children’s book idea and a Christian book idea. Both have me super anxious and then I procrastinate. My Christian book o don’t even know where to start so I guess I would start with prayer.

Dear Heavenly Father, please help the readers that read this to have a spirit of discernment, and to have the ability to see the heart behind the message. Please help me the writer convey what you the Holy Spirit are trying to say. I don’t want my own selfishness, or human Ness to get in the way. I want to be able to guide and answer questions to what I know I have doubts and questions about but in your way. I am anxious and feel like the devil is worshiping in my ear, that I am not good enough to answer these questions, but I can feel the spirit telling me that yes I am.  I want to fill the people reading this with a spirit of openness and clarity so they can really listen to what you’re trying to say to them. Being a Christian Whether you’re a newbie, or someone who has been a Christian for a long time, there are always questions and doubts, and my prayer is that we can find those answers together, and in a way that is helpful and doesn’t feel like judgement for those questions/doubts you may have. 

I suck at committing to something and following through - why am I this way? I’m so confused on what to do. I love my job. Love it. But we needed more and BAM it’s like Gos put it right there in my path. Even though I’m not experienced enough, they are still hiring me. It sounds like God wants me to have it. I’m just stressed that I’ll be in over my head and fail. Lord, is this where you want me? I couldn’t ask for a more perfect type of job.

Super flexible hours, totally WFH and pay is almost where I need it. The only thing scaring me is the numbers bit where I’m in charge of the numbers and doing things I’ve never done. Granted I always feel this way though. Every time I go to take on something new for the first few times I’m panicking. Then I step back and think why am I like this.

So Lord, I am just wanting it to be what YOU want. I wanna be where YOU want me. This would be a tremendous help to our family, I’m just curious about what to do. Lord, it felt like you were moving in the situation but that dream has me all in knots. Lord, please let me know this is exactly where you wanted me and that I’m doing exactly what you want. I don’t want to go against you. Lord, I don’t plan on quitting on the church unless they need me to. I want to make it work where I can do both. Typically everything they need me to do I can do at the same time / of course not phone calls but electronically I should be able to do both and get both done. Lord, what do you think? Is that true?

Dear God,

Please help me to figure out if what I’m doing is right? Is this where you want me to be. Between two jobs? I love you and even though I haven’t been servant hearted or even chasing after you, I need to do better. I need you to be first and foremost. I will make a stronger effort to do this. Lord, I need you. Please help ease my doubts. I don’t know if they are from you giving me unrest bc I shouldn’t be here or the devil whispering in my ear. Please help me. Thank you for doing that. I know my God isn’t a God of suffering and He will make my path known to me. I know He will help me unburden myself. I love you, God. Thank you for helping me. Thank you for giving me peace. Lord, Thank you for providing ways to help our families. You’re amazing and I can’t thank you enough. Thank you for calming me. I’m glad you had me do this. I will put my trust in you. Thank you Jesus for providing me a way to talk with our Father and ask Him for help. Lord, I pray the Holy Spirit can help me feel confident in your decision and help me be the best I can be. Thank you, God. Thank you to the Holy Spirit for helping me be still to feel you working through me. Thank you for being so amazing and filling me with peace. Lord, help me find the book about the Holy Spirit so I can read more. I love you all.

I’m hoping he stays at home and goes to school here. I don’t want him to leave. Why does stress of kids never go away. Worries are △⃒⃘lways there. No matter what. It’s crazy.

I wish that worked. Was I overly emotional today, yes. Was I rash, probably. But was I right to try and stick up for our players. Yes. It seems crazy to me to think that they don’t see it, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m too emotional. I dunno, I’m just glad I won’t have the stress anymore. Less than a month and I’ll be done with this. I should have waited. I hate letting stuff fester. I hate having this all knitted up inside me. I want to be a bitch back but I can’t. I don’t know how to let this anxiety stress go. I need to. I just don’t know how. Please help me. Why is it wrong to want to go all out on this banquet? Why is it wrong to push for the extra choice? Why am I looked at like the crazy one? It’s so freaking frustrating to just want to do it all and at the same time want to give up.

It’s fitting that it’s November 1 and I’m trying to do a month of positive thinking and talking. I can’t even make it a day without being so annoyed with someone and just being negative. I gotta change it. What better month than the month of Thanksgiving.

Today I am thankful that even though I’m stressed beyond belief- I get to do these things for senior night. I am praying that God helps me and helps me do it correctly.

I am thankful my husband took Rachel trick or treating. As much candy as we can get on Halloween - we only hit a few so she could go see grandma and we don’t really need it in the house.

I am thankful for my son. He’s great and such a joy. Even when being a pain the arse - he’s a good kid.

Thankful for friends who are supporting said kiddo.

I need rest and so I’m hoping God will allow me to sleep for the 4 hours like I slept for 12. Exhausted and running low on fumes.

I’m thankful I get to be stressed out some women never know this joy/struggle bud. Love it

Using my 10 mins to type out a song bouncing in my head.

Fall is coming. Leaves are changing.

Red yellow green and brown. They’re falling to the ground.

It is my favorite time of year

Pumpkins, sweaters, and football cheers

Y’all Fall is coming

I like it. Three blind mince theme.

I start every 10 mins with dragging energy. I don’t want to do this though I know it helps. I wonder if it’s because the devil is the one trying to steer? Weird, I know but I think that’s true. I very much think the devil tries to slow me down and has made it extremely easy to become lazy. To be okay with lazy. It’s just not that easy anymore to be motivated. That conversation I had feels like a dream, like I didn’t even really experience it. I think I fee God saying to go back and finish reading battlefield of the mind.

That’s what I was reading at the time. So weird that it feels so long ago but was only about a year ago. In that time I’ve really started slacking. I need to get better and I’m praying I do. Lord, please help me be better. I need it and so do those around me. Lord, please watch over us and keep us safe. Thank you for allowing us to make our trip safely. Also, Lord, please let whatever is going on with Rachel be simple and easy to fix. I don’t wNt to lose any of my kiddos and I hate to see them suffer.

I know you are capable of miracles and that’s what I’m hoping for. Please

Help Cayden heal Quickly so he can play. We only have a handful of games left. Please work on his heart too. He needs you.

I love you Lord. Thank you for all our blessings and gifts you give us. Please forgive our sins and help me be stronger. I’m so tired. I’m falling asleep writing this. One more min. Not sure what to say other than thank you and I love you again. Thanks for being my Savior and Friend. You’re amazing God. Please help cayden with sports and that he continues on

It’s crazy to think that 3 months of school have already gone by. That means in less than two months my senior will be halfway done with school. There’s still so much to do it feels like. I know I’m not wasting time because he’s never here. He’s living his best life right now with friends. He’s really going 138762% to make it the best year yet. I’m so proud of him. I still need to teach him to cook and clean better and all that. Especially, if girls are going to be involved now.

I keep wondering what else do I need to do? Are there other crazy things that he’s going to miss out on because I’m not aware of what to do? What are some not to be missed things? I need to start planning his summer trip to Ireland. I’m praying we can really make that work and we can go. I miss it and I wanna do a big trip for him. I am going to miss him so much when he’s not here every day. Not that I see him everyday but I know without a doubt that he’s safe when he’s here. I know it’s a control thing but I’m going to miss hearing him. I’m going to miss seeing his shoes just walked out of in the middle of the room/hallway. I’m just gonna miss him.

Being a parent isn’t fun. It’s constant worry and stress. Yes the cute stuff and proud moments rock, but it’s mainly just stress. I hate it. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

I’m glad I have Rachel to focus on but man, it bums me out that my boys are gone. I have so many regrets and things I wish I had done differently. Sigh. I wish I had a time machine. Right now I am trying to hold it together. This one is hard though, he’s my baby. In two days he will be a legal adult. Which shouldn’t be until they are 25 but that’s me.

In just a few days my youngest son will be turning 18. He’s a senior and though I had one kid graduate already - this one means more for some reason. It’s crazy to think back when I was listening to songs like don’t blink or you’re gonna miss this - I thought they were crazy. I was in the thick of it raising two boys by myself. I was still a kid myself. I wasn’t a terrible parent - but I wasn’t the best. My patience was awful - still is - but they knew I loved them. I just can’t believe how fast it all flew by. So many wasted days it feels like I didn’t do enough, that I missed out on some great moments. I am still battling that. I hate this anxious feeling. I know they have good memories but I wish I could have done more. It breaks my heart thinking about it.

I don’t know what life will hold but man, I wish Jesus would come back so I know my boys will be in paradise and not this hell hole. That they would be safe from sickness or death. Safe from sadness or pain. Safe from all the harmful and evil things of this world. I just want to protect them △⃒⃘lways and keep bad things from happening to them. I want to control the situation and I can’t :(

I’m proud of who Cayden is Turing into and I believe he will do amazing things - I just wish I could keep him safe 24/7/365 and protect him from pain of life. I feel the same towards my daughter too. I know I won’t live forever but I don’t want them to know the heart ache of having to miss me. I pray God helps me, no makes me be a better parent. Take away my free will and just make me be a Good parent bc I’m at a lose. I keep striking out and I need someone to forcibly make me a good parent.

Life is hard and just zoning out is helpful. But then the guilt and time I wasted - I’ll never get that back. I’m praying that I can beat it. I’m praying that you can beat it. I’m praying that WE can BEAT IT!! I know this writing is just another way to spend time not focusing on the chaos around me, but at least I’m focused on trying to better me. Trying to better those around me. Even if it’s just one, that’s all that matters.

it’s 2:03 in the morning. I’m tried but not tired. Like my body is saying “WTF dude.” My brain is saying “it’ll be okay, I got this.” Ever been there? It’s almost like a restlessness that you can scratch. You can’t move past to fully shut down. It’s weird. You don’t know if it’s anxiety about something that has happened or will happen. Or if it’s bc of stress/guilt. Heck, it could be all three. All I know is it sucks and I wish it would go away bc I have to drive tomorrow for a road trip. I need to be tip top. Maybe I should take a different medication to help.

There is a lot in life going on and I’m praying God’s will isn’t to just keep drowning. The teacher is △⃒⃘lways silent during the test. Sigh. It △⃒⃘lways feels like a test.

It’ll be strange and I don’t expect anyone to ever read it, but this holds me accountable. What if all I need is 10 mins a day? And by then end of a year I have a book? It would be crazy but God works things out in His timing - not ours. Plus, writing can be VERY therapeutic. I remember my professor in college had us write in a journal during a semester. He wouldn’t read it but just wanted us to write. I thought he was so crazy - why would this work? When did I have the time? And what would I write about?

At first it was VERY awkward but after a couple weeks (every habit takes time to form and become second nature), it got easier. Then by the end of the semester - I missed it. I think it would be fun to be a teacher and have permission to read what they wrote. I stopped writing bc I felt guilty for taking time to do it. The devil is very convincing when it comes to this. Even now, I feel overwhelmed with guilt bc I’m taking time to do what God wants. Anxiety attack levels of panic. What would or should I be doing instead? Cleaning house, work, taking care of a little human. But realistically what would be happening? Scrolling through my phone or being overwhelmed by something else.

I’m praying through each writing section and asking for not just peace and for His words to flow - but I’m praying that others will find truth in the words or something to relate to. When we do God’s will - the devil will whisper and attack with fear/guilt/doubt/shame/and we need to push through. Just give God the time He needs to work on us, in us, and through us.

Holy Spirit, I pray for anyone reading this and for me writing this - fill us with your peace and comfort. Help us to push the devil away and not to hear his lies. Lead us in the will of the Lord and to hear/see/feel/sense what He wants us to gain from this experience. Big or small - help us to just stop and be with God. Thank you, Holy Spirit for being here and helping us. In Jesus name, Amen.

I’m not sure how to break out of that mindset. Reading God’s word gives us hope, it helps us try to bring about more moments of that light, but it still falls short. Why doesn’t He come back and just end this awfulness? I feel guilty as a parent bringing my children into this world. Could they possibly turn it all around? Maybe, but what if it’s all a lie and it just keeps getting worse?

It’s hard to be a follower when such sadness is around. I want Jesus in my heart so badly but my heart just breaks thinking He could solve lol this but he won’t. He wants you and I to turn around and do the work. Who are we? We aren’t enough to change this world! How dare He put that pressure on just you and me. We are just lowly people….we are just one. Not enough.

Jesus was just one. He was a lowly human instead of the King he was supposed to be. Jesus changed the world. He took his 33 years and is still creating ripples over 2,000 years later. Does that not just blow your mind? He was one. He gave His whole life to trying to make the world a better place. Shouldn’t we? At bare minimum? We are promised forever in the mansion in the sky. Where streets are made of gold. Where there is NO MORE pain and NO MORE tears. And all He asks is for us to accept Jesus as our savior, and love our neighbors as ourself. Dang.

Let that sink in. We are promised forever in heaven. Why shouldn’t we do what we can to make this place better? No amount of good works gets you in, you’re right, but what if the works we did showed someone else the beauty of heaven and now THEY get to go to heaven too. And thus create your own ripple effect?! How neat is that?? You may not be remembered personally 2,000 years later but the works you did will be passed on from person to person. Creating a tsunami of waves down the line. You could be the difference between heaven and hell for someone. You telling your story and making the world better than you got it - could help someone see Jesus.

That’s pretty powerful stuff there. You are a daughter or son of the One True King. YOU are royalty and as such comes responsibility and power. How you chose to use it tells a lot about you. How will you choose to spend the rest of your small time here? Down and out about the evils of the world? Griping and shaking a fist at heaven saying “God, why? Do something, anything.” When you stop and realize he did. He made you and me to go and be His hands and feet.

We are called to love. Love every single person. Doesn’t matter there sin or if you like them. There isn’t a person you will met or read/hear about that isn’t loved by God. You heard that right. Crazy, huh? We may not be able to fathom it but we aren’t meant to be God now are we? He calls us to just love and plant the seed for Him to water. We don’t need to judge it or rush it along - let Him make His Will known. You just love them through it.

Our good works or ripple effects could be tiny. They could be epic. The point is when God presents you with an opportunity to do His work - do it. No matter how silly. Don’t seek fame from your actions either. Don’t blast it on social media. God sees your deeds - and if you seek your reward from man - you won’t get it in heaven. This isn’t a “look at me and what I did.” This is a see a need - fill a need. Give God the glory instead of yourself.

Trying to see through the bad is hard though - especially when the devil keeps trying to attack our good deeds. Just keep pressing on - we know the outcome of the story - the devil doesn’t win. Don’t let the devil destroy what you know God is going to use for good. You are stronger than satan, even on your worst day.