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Chapter 3: Grover Unexpectedly Loses His Pants

Confession time: I ditched Grover as soon as we got to the bus terminal.

You know, one of the things that’s often frustrating about kid protagonists is their utter lack of survival instincts. I’m glad Percy is breaking the mould here. You go, Percy! Dump that creepy motherfucker! I’m proud of you!

A word about my mother, before you meet her. 

Her name is Sally Jackson and she's the best person in the world 

Things I love about this:

1) A positive mother-child relationship where the mother isn’t dead? In MY kidlit? It’s apparently more likely than you think.

2) PERCYS BEEN DRINKING HIS RESPECT MOM JUICE BC HES A GOOD BOY

Sally has had the worst life ever and is married to an asshole called Gabe Ugliano, which is so on-the-nose I can’t even be mad. Percy calls him Smelly Gabe. (I love you Percy.)

Whenever I was home, he expected me to provide his gambling funds. He called that our "guy secret." Meaning, if I told my mom, h e would punch my lights out.

if gabe lays a fucking finger on my son percy i swom to jom what i will do to him will make all the tortures i imagined visiting upon sandy rice look like a teddy bears’ picnic in comparison

I slammed the door to my room, which really wasn't my room. During school months, it was Gabe's "study."

Gabe die challenge. The thought of not even having a space of my own gives me so much anxiety. Poor Percy :((

My mother can make me feel good just by walking into the room. Her eyes sparkle and change color in the light. Her smile is as warm as a quilt. She's got a few gray streaks mixed in with her long brown hair, but I never think of her as old. When she looks at me, it's like she's seeing all the good things about me, none of the bad.

this is so pure im dead SALLY ID DIE FOR YOU OK!!!!!!!!!!! if she dies im gonna steal rick riordan’s credit card details don’t think i wont

While I attacked the blueberry sour strings, she ran her hand through my hair and demanded to know everything I hadn't put in my letters. She didn't mention anything about my getting expelled. She didn't seem to care about that. But was I okay? Was her little boy doing all right?

fuckjvlfsdmsfddsfmm.sfmvcv/????????????????? imdsfsfsdmsf.dmvdsfsd.dsfmsdsdfioewriwuegjslf/??fs/?F?/dds/f?????????? my poor heart cant take these emotions

Sally is going to take Percy to the beach for a few days and Gabe is a fucknugget about it. I really hate that man.

I guess I should explain the blue food. See, Gabe had once told my mom there was no such thing. They had this fight, which seemed like a really small thing at the time. But ever since, my mom went out of her way to eat blue. She baked blue birthday cakes. She mixed blueberry smoothies. She bought blue-corn tortilla chips and brought home blue candy from the shop.

See, now this, THIS is the level of pettiness I aspire to. You’re an icon, Sally Jackson. Don’t ever stop.

Sally tells Percy about his dad who totally isn’t a Greek god or anything. (Talk about aiming high?)

"I wish he could see you, Percy. He would be so proud." 

I wondered how she could say that. What was so great about me? A dyslexic, hyperactive boy wit h a D+ report card, kicked out of school for the sixth time in six years.

SHUT THE FUCK UP PERCY YOURE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE I LOVE YOU

I thought Yancy Academy would be far enough away. I thought you'd finally be safe."

wait whatttttttttttttttttttttttt sallyyyyyyyyyyyy what are you DOING did she KNOW this WHOLE TIME 

"I've tried to keep you as close to me as I could," my m om said. "They told me that was a mistake. But there's only one other option, Percy—the place your father wanted to send you. And I just ... I just can't stand to do it."

*nicolas cage voice* FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

That night, Percy has a totally not symbolic dream about an eagle and a horse fighting on the beach. When he wakes up, it’s storming again and I am HERE FOR THIS!!! Rick Riordan knows me so well I’m so grateful to our lord and saviour

There was no horse or eagle on the beach, just lightning making false daylight, and twenty-foot waves pounding the dunes like artillery.

this is my AESTHETIC. Also can I take a moment to wax poetic about the writing style here? It’s so simple and to the point yet so effective and evocative at the same time. Like I’m sure that it’s simplistic in part because of the target audience but DAMN Riordan manages to paint such a vivid picture with so few words and it’s makin me feel some kind of way!!!!

Grover stood framed in the doorway against a backdrop of pouring rain. But he wasn't... he wasn't exactly Grover.

Ok, Perce, you can’t just drop "he wasn’t exactly Grover” on me without explaining more. Also GROVER BACK OFF *curls around Percy and hisses protectively*

I was too shocked to wonder how Grover had gotten here by himself in the middle of the night. Because Grover didn't have his pants on—and where his legs should be . . . where his legs should be . . .

I’ll confess, when I read the chapter title I assumed at some point Percy would pants Grover as a way of distracting him or something so he could get away. This is much better though.

She grabbed her purse, tossed me my rain jacket, and said, "Get to the car. Both of you. Go!"

fdsklsfdmfsdfsdmsfdsfdmfsdfds sally what are you do i n g

Because where [Grover’s] feet should be, there were no feet. There were cloven hooves.

jdlsfmsfsdmffdslkfjsjfljfdllfjfsd im so ready for this did i ever mention im a SLUT for greek mythology by the way? no? well you’re gonna find out

Chapter 4: My Mother Teaches Me Bullfighting

"The less you knew, the fewer monsters you'd attract," Grover said, like that should be perfectly obvious. "We put Mist over the humans' eyes. We hoped you'd think the Kindly One was a hallucination. But it was no good. You started to realize who you are."

Okay I know the “keeping the character in the dark about their powers for their own good” or whatever is usually done with the best of intentions but?? I hate it. It’s just a violation of autonomy and trust, like, if I had crazy powers that were going to attract evil things to try and eat my face or whatever, I’d like to know so that I can prepare mentally at the very least. Also, you know, it’s Percy’s body, it’s Percy’s power. Not telling him is just a violation of his autonomy as a person and it’s gross. I get why Sally didn’t say anything but that doesn’t mean I have to like it /rant

 Lightning hits the car and sends it into the ditch. Man, Smelly Gabe isn’t going to be happy about that. (Good.)

"Grover!" 

He was slumped over, blood trickling from the side of his mouth. I shook his furry hip, thinking, No ! Even if you are half barnyard animal, you're my best friend and I don't want you to die!

PERCY IS SUCH A GOOD BOY also I know I’ve been shittalking Grover but I don’t want him to die either :(( he’s a furry bundle of fail but he’s trying his best ok

Some creepy linebacker goat dude shows up and is ominous and creepy. I don’t like thissssssssssssssssssssssssssss fdljsfjflsdfdjdssddsds THIS BOOK IS NOT GOOD FOR MY BLOOD PRESSURE OK

ok ok i’m cool i’m fine let’s just look at this cute gif of an adorable goat for a bit. 

ahh much bette-

"That's the property line," my mom said. "Get over that hill and you'll see a big farmhouse down in the valley. Run and don't look back. Yell for help. Don't stop until you reach the door. " 

"Mom, you're coming too."

RICK RIORDAN IF YOU FUKCING KILL SALLY JACKSON YOU’RE GONNA CATCH THESE MOTHERFUKCIN HANDS

His neck was a mass of muscle and fur leading up to his enormous head, which had a snout as long as my arm, snotty nostrils with a gleaming brass ring, cruel black eyes, and horns—enormous black-and-white horns with points you just couldn't get from an electric sharpener.

OH SHIT IT’S THE MINOTAUR

fear not gang i know just who to call

(if you haven’t played assassin’s creed odyssey honestly what are you doing with your life? that’s the real question here)

He picked up Gabe's Camaro by the torn roof, the chassis creaking and groaning. He raised the car over his head and threw it down the road. It slammed into the wet asphalt and skidded in a shower of sparks for about half a mile before coming to a stop. The gas tank exploded. 

Not a scratch, I remembered Gabe saying.

thats karma babey!!!!

She tried to sidestep, as she'd tol d me to do, but the monster had learned his lesson. His hand shot out and grabbed her by the neck as she tried to get away. He lifted her as she struggled, kicking and pummeling the air.

*whispers* hey uh what the fuck

Then, with an angry roar, the monster closed his fists around my mother's neck, and she dissolved before my eyes, melting into light, a shimmering golden form, as if she were a holographic projection. A blinding flash, and she was simply . . . gone.

ok given the circumstances i’m gonna put chances of her actually being dead at around 0% but still WHAT THE FUCK RICK???????????? WHAT THE FUCK YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME AND PERCY BUT MAINLY PERCY??????????? WHEN HE CRIES I CRY

I stripped off my red rain jacket. 

"Hey!" I screamed, waving the jacket, running to one side of the monster. "Hey, stupid! Ground beef!"

i’d die for this boy

I thought about how he had squeezed the life out of my mother, made her disappear in a flash of light, and rage filled me like high-octane fuel.

fldsdffsdlfds if percy spends the rest of the book thinking his mother is dead i’m gonna be so upset!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you can’t do that to my son!!!!!!!!!!!!!! he doesn’t deserve this suffering!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Percy YANKS OFF ONE OF THE MINOTAUR’S HORNS, because he is a tiny badass, and then STABS HIM WITH IT. This boy. This fukcing boy. Incredible. Absolutely outstanding. 10/10

I was crying, calling for my mother, but I held on to Grover—I wasn't going to let him go.

lskjdsflkfsdmfnbsdlf fd;A;;;;A;A;A;A;A;A;;A;;;;;;;;; PERcycyYyyyycyYCYCYCYycy

im sobbing im so upset what the fuck 

The last thing I remember is collapsing on a wooden porch, looking up at a ceiling fan circling above me, moths flying around a yellow light, and the stern faces of a familiar-looking bearded man and a pretty girl, her blond hair curled like a princess's. They both looked down at me, and the girl said, "He's the one. He must be." 

"Silence, Annabeth," the man said. "He's still conscious. Bring him inside."

Upside: ANNABETH! I don’t know anything about her except everyone loves her and also she’s Athena’s daughter or something but Athena is gr8 so yaaayy

Downside: HEY WHAT THE FUCKIN FUCK RICK HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO MY SON >:((

turns out grover wasn’t the one who needed to watch out after all, it was ME because rick riordan STABBED ME IN THE FUCKING HEART

Chapter 1: I Accidentally Vaporize my Pre-Algebra Teacher

Honestly? Not even a sentence into the book and I’m already kinning hard with Percy. What I wouldn’t have given to vaporise my Y7 maths teacher. Pro tip: if your teaching methods include yelling at kids until they cry, you’re probably a bad teacher.

ANYWAY.

Look, I didn't want to be a half-blood.

Oooh, fourth-wall breakage. I like fourth-wall breakage, as long as it’s done well. It can make a story more memorable and intriguing. Nothing to draw you in like the narrator talking to you personally. It makes me feel special okay ;a;

Also I guess a half-blood is like a god... kid... person? Half-god? Demigod? God-blooded? Regular human with god powers? Oh shut up, me, and keep reading.

But if you recognize yourself in these pages—if you feel something stirring inside—stop reading immediately. You might be one of us. And once you know that, it's only a matter of time before they sense it too, and they'll come for you.

I mean, if you have super special god powers that make you a target of ~them~, wouldn’t it be more dangerous to have them and not know? At least if you know about them, when ~they~ come for you, you can be prepared, right? Or is the implication that your powers only become active/sense-able when you learn about them? Hmm.

Also if I were a half-blood, I wonder which god would be my baby daddy. Probably someone super lame, like Deipneus, god of bread. Though I do like bread.

My name is Percy Jackson. 

I'm twelve years old.

We learn that tiny baby Percy goes to a school for troubled kids and is currently on a school trip to a museum to look at cool Greek shit.

[Grover] had a note excusing him from PE for the rest of his life because he had some kind of muscular disease in his legs. He walked funny, like every step hurt him, but don't let that fool you. You should've seen him run when it was enchilada day in the cafeteria.

Grover is me. Enchiladas are fucking delicious. I have IBS and am gluten and lactose intolerant and I will fucking SCARF that shit down #worthit

Mr. Brunner expected me to be as good as everybody else, despite the fact that I have dyslexia and attention deficit disorder and I had never made above a C— in my life.

Overhead, a huge storm was brewing, with clouds blacker than I'd ever seen over the city. I figured maybe it was global warming or something, because the weather all across New York state had been weird since Christmas.

Ohhhh oh oh ooh I LOVE when characters subconsciously control the weather with their emotions!!!!! It’s one of my fave fantasy tropes!!!!!!! And they don’t even realise it and they get grim satisfaction out of storms because they’re like “hah the weather is as shitty as my mood” and they DON’T KNOW??? Excellent. Rick Riordan knows what I’m about.

Percy uses his superpowers to push Little Bitch Nancy Bobofit into the fountain outside the museum, which gets him in trouble with Big Bitch Mrs Dodds the substitute teacher.

I turned to face Mrs. Dodds, but she wasn't there. She was standing at the museum entrance, way at the top of the steps, gesturing impatiently at me to come on. How'd she get there so fast?

GASP. Is she one of ~them~???

" We are not fools, Percy Jackson," Mrs. Dodds said. "It was only a matter of time before we found you out. Confess, and you will suffer less pain."

GET AWAY FROM MY SON

All I could think of was that the teachers must've found the illegal stash of candy I'd been selling out of my dorm room. Or maybe they'd realized I got my essay on Tom Sawyer from the Internet without ever reading the book and now they were going to take away my grade. Or worse, they were going to make me read the book.

It hasn’t even been a chapter and I’d die for this sassy child!!!!!!!! Protect at all costs!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs Dodds turns into an evil bird thing and Mr Brunner comes in like a knight in shining wheelchair and tosses his pen to Percy, whereupon it turns into a sword. Mrs Dobbs gets kebabed and disintegrates. When he goes back outside, no one remembers Mrs Dobbs. Dun dun dun?

I saw Mr. Brunner sitting under his red umbrella, reading his book, as if he'd never moved. 

I went over to him. 

He looked up, a little distracted. "Ah, that woul d be my pen. Please bring your own writing utensil in the future, Mr. Jackson."

Who Is He???? I need answers, Mr Riordan!!!!

"Percy, there is no Mrs. Dodds on this trip. As far as I know, there has never been a Mrs. Dodds at Yancy Academy. Are you feeling all right?"

Okay, confession: when I read the chapter title I pictured Percy getting really angry and accidentally vaporising a teacher by making them get hit by lightning or something and then getting expelled or sent to jail whereupon he gets contacted by People Who Know Things BUT this is so much more confusing??? What is going on??? I wasn’t expecting to do the time warp again!!!!! If Mr Brunner knows but is just gaslighting Percy I’m gonna be mad!!!!!!!

Chapter 2: Three Old Ladies Knit the Socks of Death

THAT CHAPTER TITLE CAN ONLY REFERENCE MY FAVE GALS, THE MOIRAI!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM!!!!!!!!! Man this book is combining my love of good literature with my love of Greek myth and I’m such a hoe for it.

Percy explains that for the rest of the school year, everyone insists that Mrs Dobbs has never existed and that Mrs Kerr has always been a teacher there.

It got so I almost believed them—Mrs. Dodds had never existed. 

Almost. 

But Grover couldn't fool me. When I mentioned the name Dodds to him, he would hesitate, then claim she didn't exist. But I knew he was lying.

WHAT IS UP WITH GROVER HMFMDFMFSMFMFDMFDFM???? Is he another half-blood??? Is he In The Know???? I need answers Rick!!!!!!!

The freak weather continued, which didn't help my mood.

Finally, when our English teacher, Mr. Nicoll, asked me for the millionth time why I was too lazy to study for spelling tests, I snapped. I called him an old sot. I wasn't even sure what it meant, but it sounded good.

Honestly though Percy is a whole entire mood??? I’m always insulting people by calling them words I don’t know the meaning of but which sound satisfying to say mlslfmfsmmsfglkjssjfd

I was three steps from the door handle when I heard voices inside the office. Mr. Brunner asked a question. A voice that was definitely Grover's said ". . . worried about Percy, sir." 

LKSFJSDFLJF!!!!!!! SHENANIGANS ARE AFOOT!!!!!!!!!!!! WHAT IS GOIN ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

".. . alone this summer," Grover was saying. "I mean, a Kindly One in the school! Now that we know for sure, and they know too— "

Are the Kindly Ones ~them~??? Because that is one hell of a misnomer if so?? 

"Sir, he saw her. . . ." 

"His imagination, " Mr. Brunner insisted. "The Mist over the students and staff will be enough to convince him of that."

So he IS gaslighting my son!!!!!!! Goddammit Brunner you asshole I thought you were cool

The only person I dreaded saying good-bye to was Grover, but as it turned out, I didn't have to. He'd booked a ticket to Manhattan on the same Greyhound as I had, so there we were, together again, heading into the city.

THEY ARE INFANTS THEY SHOULD NOT BE TRAVELLING ALONE IM SO UPSET

Turns out Grover is something called a Keeper and it’s his job to protect Percy. That don’t impress Percy much. Then the bus breaks down... IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

There’s a fruit stand, and three old ladies knitting a giant pair of socks. Grover freaks the fuck out.

The old lady in the middle took out a huge pair of scissors—gold and silver, long-bladed, like shears. I heard Grover catch his breath.

I thought the Moirai were like... chaotic neutral? I guess here they’re evil? Or at least scary?? They get back on the bus and Percy starts feeling like shit, so I’m guessing evil? 

"Always sixth grade . They never get past sixth."

ARE THE MOIRAI CHILD-KILLERS IM SO UPSET

"Grover—that snipping of the yarn. Does that mean somebody is going to die?" 

He looked at me mournfully, like he was already picking the kind of flowers I'd like best on my coffin.

Oh Percy, my sweet summer child. BUT ALSO LEAVE MY SON ALONE????????????? lfdssfdjfdjdsf whats happenignngngng riiiiiick