felt like love & drugs

seen it all before ¬ bring me the horizon

I’m trying, Cam! I really am! I just can’t do it… But that doesn’t mean that I’ve given up trying! I don’t want to be like this! No matter what I do I’m miserable so so what if I drink and fuck a few people, that makes me feel better even if just for a little bit. It’s better than nothing. Shut the fuck up, alright? Just shut the fuck up. It’s my choice whether or not I tell my dad, I love him and that’s exactly why I don’t want to tell him. You didn’t know Harry, you have no idea what he’s like, I don’t want him in my life in any more! I don’t want to bring my dad into it, it’ll only mean I have to face him all over again. Nobody wants to hear it! Tell me of a single person who wants to have every single one of their flaws and every single one of their fuck ups repeated back to their face? You think I don’t run over each of them already? They run through my head over and over again I don’t want to hear it from someone else as well! So what? I thought you didn’t care about anything… you’ve told me before - multiple times - that you’re going to die young so what does it matter if you’re on the streets? There’s no use for you here and what use will a rehab centre do for you? 

No, you're not fucking trying! Don't tell me that bullshit because I'm not buying it. I'm not them. You're not going to convince me that you're fucking trying when you're so clearly not. You're still here. You're still fucking here and we both know that Olympus doesn't help you get better; being here talking to me doesn't help you get better because the moment this fucking conversation is over you're gonna drink just like you always fucking do. So no Jasmine, you're not fucking trying. You're gonna keep drinking and screwing guys and feeling miserable for the rest of your life because you like feeling that, because that's what normal feels like for you and you don't know how to feel any other way.  Like I said, you're scared of him, like you've always fucking been. He walked all over you because you fucking let him! Instead of standing up for yourself and do something about it, you just settled and accepted that that was going to be your life. And now he'll only walk back into your life if you let him. But what the fuck ever, don't fucking tell your dad then. I don't even fucking care.  I know they don't like to have their flaws pointed out, but that's what they fucking get from me. People always complain about getting lied to-- their husband lies, their boss lies, their parent lies, the fucking government lies-- but the moment someone tells them the fucking truth they get offended because I'm blunt? Oh, give me a fucking break. Who's the hypocrite then? If they don't want the truth then fucking stop complaining every time someone lies to them. Make up your fucking minds because you can't get both things. People can't get a lie or the truth depending on when it's convenient for them. If they want to live a fucking lie then they can be my guests but I'm not going to lie to them just to make them feel better.  Drugs aren't free, or even cheap. And during the nights I do sleep, I like sleeping in a bed. And I was a spoiled rich brat so I like comfort. I like showering and having a phone, buying shit that I probably don't even need and just waste my family's money so they know I'm still alive and haven't died.  I know rehab won't do me any good, but try to convince my mother of that. She's determined on sending me there, especially now with the new oh-so-perfect kid around. I can't go home unless I'm drug-free; something about me having to be a good example for the little brat.  So since I don't wanna go to rehab, I'll just stay here for as long as I can. Once I turn 21 then I'll figure something out.

You think I don’t know that I have a problem? There has to be a problem! I wouldn’t fucking feel like I do all the time if there weren’t a fucking problem. Drinking makes me feel better, drinking makes everyone feel better… There’s no reason why I can’t drink! And who said I can’t sleep around? Why does it have to be a problem? I like sex… Sex is fucking great and I’ll fuck whenever I want to, whoever I want to. I’d love fucking regardless of my past. My dad doesn’t need to know about what happened, why would he? He’s happier not worrying and I’m happier not making him worry. Oh shut the fuck up you do! So what you’re not “fake" but you’re a fucking asshole, and by choosing to be an asshole you’re choosing to hurt people! You could say nothing, but instead you’re blunt and offensive. What is it? Are you truthful and "don’t sugar coat things" or not serious? because you can only be one and I’m sick of being treated like I’m supposed to know which one you’re choosing to be on each day of the week. So what I come back to Olympus, I don’t see you going anywhere. Why is it you stay here, Cameron? If you don’t care about anyone and don’t want anyone to care about you why aren’t you alone? Why don’t you find a shitty apartment and buy yourself a netflix log in and never have to face anyone at all? I wouldn’t bother you… Nobody would bother you. So, why aren’t you alone? If you don’t care about humanity then do it, shut yourself away… Make us all better off. 

There's a line between drinking with your friends once in a while or getting wasted when you have a bad day, and doing it on a fucking daily basis. Same with screwing around-- sex makes everybody feel better but doing it with a different guy every day just adds up to your misery.  You say you have hope but you don't even try to get better. You have been this way since I met you and you'll continue to be until the day your liver stops working and you fucking die! Old habits may die hard, but I think you're just going to die with yours, like I'm going to die with mine-- we're really not that different.  "He's happier not worrying". You're such a fucking amazing daughter, aren't you?  Let's be honest, the real reason you don't tell your father is because you know he'd do something about it like you should have done but you were too fucking scared of your ex-boyfriend.  So what if I'm blunt and offensive? I can only offend people if they care about what I have to say. When you call me blunt and offensive you're also being blunt, just not offensive because I don't fucking care about what you have to say about me.  I don't lie so I guess I'm serious, but honestly I spend 23 hours of my day high so I don't think anyone should take me seriously. But they do and then they get offended and take it out on me by calling me offensive instead of minding their own fucking life and trying to fix their shit.  Because I don't have anywhere else to go? I thought that was pretty obvious. I don't stay because I like it, I stay because it's my only option. Do you really think I can just leave Olympus and go wherever the fuck I want? I have a fucking family who's counting the days until I turn 21 so they can send me to some rehab clinic in fucking Europe because the further I go the happier they will be. And I'm already fucking disowned, erased from all their fucking wills, and money doesn't grow on trees. While I stay in Olympus my bitch of a mother will send me money, if I leave I'll get cut off for good.  Not everybody has a really good family with a really good father and a really cute little brother who will welcome you home if you decide to leave.