shion

it’s ok, nobody has to read this, its actually just to keep a sort of record. I went to pride for the first time this year. So the hard part begin when me and my buddies were discussing wether we should go or not, a few said that they were scared...bullets, police, christians, you know...the whole deal scare the shit out of them. The ones attending, well....we perfectly understood their decision. Pride was everything I dreamed of, couples holding hands, kissing each other, happy, without a concern in the world. It hit like a bus, the amout of freedom I felt during the whole thing. 

Antes que nada, y antes que todo me he recorrido cada linea, cada gesto y cada espacio de su sonrisa cada trazo de su expresión y la altura de su ceja fruncida

consciente estoy de su adicción por la culpa me he grabado cada gélido saludo cada rincón oscuro de su mente cada laberinto de su ser

Antes que nada, y antes que todo quiero transcribir su aroma a mil sonetos nadar en la fantasia de conocerla gozar de su invisible compañía en mis sueños

Antes que nada, y antes que todo me falta saborear su ingenio, su perspicacia aprender quiero del humilde suspiro de sus ojos conocer el segundo del día en que le entristece la lluvia el caer de su noche y los demonios que le acompañan

antes de siquiera beber de la sensualidad de su humanidad quiero vivir su ser, su mente quiero aplacar mi sed de conocerla escuchándola hablar

antes de besar sus labios quiero hundirme en lo mas hondo de sus miedos cubrir mi cama con sus confesiones con sus secretos

Im about to finally give a closure to this thing.

All I can think about right now is you. I can’t help it, everything screams your name and memories are coming back to me, running. please allow me to have a few minutes of timeout, without grieving our relationship, just listen.

Im really close to graduate finally, it feels important and filled with nostalgia, everything reminds me of you.

I imagined this phase of my life as it is right now, but in my mind, you were here. Helping me, cheering me up, understanding me as you always did.

You are the most patient love I’ve ever had. The resilience of your heart and the kind words you gave me, were enough to bring myself up, most of the time at least.

You were sweet, the sweetest soul, and I can hear my heart cracking right now as I say this words to you: I miss you with all my heart... even thought I ignore in what way, ...as lover, as a friend, as a sister, as a companion... all of the above?

The thing is babe, at the end of the day I DO regret many things, many of them about you, about the things I couldn’t handle that were about you.

I regret the things I missed, the things I neglected, the things I did in your name.

I know you never asked for my love, you never really talked me into it, convince me with lies or treachery, you were you and I was myself, that’s all it really took.

But right now my love, my heart is heavy with sadness, with unhappiness, with uncertainty. I do not know why why I am so sad...

But I am, I feel lonely, I feel forgotten.

SO It’s been two years now. 730 days. That’s a lot… That’s a lot of time considering I used to hate every second of the day I didn’t get to see you, So.. I thought baby, that going away was going to bring me peace, that my head would be clear enough to figure out what I wanted, what I needed. I thought that my time apart from you was going to make me realize a thousand things about myself, us and you. And frankly my dear - it did. surprisingly, it did.

What I wasn’t counting on - was... that the whole process would become as painful and excruciating as it turnout to be. I bleed, I cried, I screamed, I punished myself... However, I want to imagine it was worth it, well no... Im SURE it was all worth it. All of it. The dreams, the pain The anger, the sadness the urge, the hate...the negative thoughts... The bad, the ugly, the sincerity...the end. They were exactly what I needed. I realized after these past two years I manage to change the way I wanted I doubted myself, I doubted my motives and reasons But at the end, it was the right thing for me Im happy with the result. Just as I said, I was going to be able to change on my own, and that’s exactly what happen. I am more ME now. I have more of ME exactly how I wanted to be, I feel more in sync. I didn’t date anyone babe. Not for you, but for me...I said to myself as I cried myself to sleep as I remain awake for craving your body, I said to myself “I don’t NEED anyone right now because I will keep my word” I will I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t place a body next to mine out of loneliness, out of anger... I wouldn’t kiss someone else lips so I could shut my pain down a bit And of course a part of me knew that beside “the promise” a part of me just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even began to imagine myself holding someone else’s hand on mine. A body next to me..I couldn’t picture it. It was inconceivable for me

it was.. God, It was.

Until now. Call it coincidence, but I got a glimpse of what I was missing out, the sweetness of someone else’s heart and Im hungry, of so much more.

Time is a funny thing, it made me think I was ready again, I have a certain craving, I feel love in every fiber of my being, waiting to be released Im ready to love again... and I know that so are you, You seem happy, I saw you smiling freely and sincerely You seem happy. So Im happy too.

Two years later, I found myself on an empty bed, but full of me I’ve grow up so much during this time, Im proud of what I have what I’ve achieved. the truth is babe…. I miss you still I miss all of you but babe….. after two years I know… Im sure Im certain I made the right choice these two years were shit but also the best thing thing I could’ve get myself to do. because even tho…it hurt like a bitch….truth is….I couldn’t have it any other way. Thats all we have now my love. Thats all there is to say. Im trying to push myself to get over us. Im starting over again. So, here’s to us babe, cheers.

Que bueno que no somos de aquellos que nos recordamos

Que pensamos todo el tiempo en el otro Que en las noches frías sentimos la cama muy grande Ni encontramos excusas para hablarnos

Que bueno que no somos de esos que al estar juntos Se vuelve una coreografía de manos, el cuerpo entero moviéndose al son del otro Como si el cuerpo tuviera memoria Como si supiera que debe tocar al otro Como si estuviera acostumbrado a la misma canción que como sinfonía tienen que tocar al mismo tiempo

Que bueno que no nos llamamos cuando tenemos miedo Cuando estamos felices

Que bueno que ya solo somos amigos Que no nos deseamos No queremos devorarnos la piel, ni el alma, ni lo roto Ni queremos mordernos ni arrancarnos con las uñas el dolor de la espalda Ni lamer cada rincón de lo que nadie toca Lo que ni uno mismo se atreve a tocar

Que bueno que no somos de esos amores que no se sueltan ni se estiran Que se dejan y se olvidan

TODAVIA

Hay tantas cosas que aprendí de ti, de mi pero contigo, de mi pero sin ti

Hay tantas cosas que aprendo contigo sin ti sin mi

Hay tantas cosas que desearía haber sabido tantas que hubieran evitado tantos enojos tantos sollozos en la cama tantos silencios

Hay tantas cosas que aprenderé que no las verás tantas que no sufrirás

¿De qué nos sirve conservar nuestro pasado? si nuestro presente es sangre y dolor, ¿De qué nos sirve conservar la historia? si nuestro futuro está condenado. Para qué quiero ver un gran monumento a la madre, limpio y sin mancha, sabiendo que los partos en niñas menores de 14 años siguen en aumento en América Latina, por violaciones, desinformación, abuso, machismo, no quiero un país hipócrita, que tiene limpias sus calles y monumentos, edificios gubernamentales pero corrupción dentro. Para qué quiero un transmetro limpio si dentro lleva hombres que con su mirada sucia miran a una joven estudiante menor de edad, que todos los días pasa por las calles donde le chiflan y tiene que avisarle a alguien que va en camino a su casa. Que miles han desaparecido...miles.  

I know why you’re friends hate me...

Because I broke your heart,

Because I never truly left your life,

I was present so they thought

you wouldn’t move on if I was near,

But you DID move on,

And they still hated me

They hate me because

I might seem like an hypocrite,

selfish bastard, that doesn’t want you

to live things with anyone else

But I DO want you to live your life as free as possible,

I want you to kiss, belong, have sex, make love to anyone you want, because it’s your life, 

because no one has the right to tell you not to.

They hate me because

when I’m excited over good news, 

you’re the first person that 

pops in my brain automatically,

Because in the middle of a breakdown, 

I’m drowning and the hand I hope

helps me out of the water 

is yours,

I don’t do it trying to hold on to you,

with the intention that you never leave me, 

I do it because I need you, 

but you’re free to never return my texts,

never hug me back, 

never hold my hand again, 

I won’t be mad, 

I wouldn’t even be sad_

because that will mean 

our relationship shifted 

and that’s how life works, things happen. end of the story.

Your girlfriend hates me, 

because she thinks I still want you,

she thinks I love you, 

she thinks I still yearn for your body,

your soul, your laugh, your support...

And she’s right

I do.

But tell her she doesn’t need to hate me,

because I won’t come one day and steal you away from her because now I understand, 

one should never steal anyone away from someone.

Because I won’t try anything as long as you’re with her 

Because I need you to make that step on your own,

because it will mean that you and her have many problems and too little solutions for your love. 

I won’t mingle into the relationship because I believe we’re free to choose, and right now it’s her. she’s your choice.

I won’t steal you away because one should never fight like that for love, love shouldn’t be that painful, painful for more than 2 people at the time, not like that, not AGAIN. 

I love you and I understand why they hate me, 

but they don’t know everything about our story,

they won’t ever,

It’s impossible.

Maybe my friends hate you too,

but they don’t know you.

We love each other in whatever level,

whatever measure, I know we do, 

and it goes beyond romantic, friendship and love. 

It goes deeper and that’s all we know.

and that’s how life works,

it is what it is,

things happen. 

Tengo miedo como aquella canción de Fernando Delgadillo, que su amada no tiene miedo porque sabe de lo que es capaz, pero le tengo miedo yo a hundirme de lleno en todo lo que eres. Todo lo que sos.

Yo podría no hablarte otra vez porque me dijeron una vez que yo no veo escala de grises, para mi es blanco o negro, para mi es todo o nada, pero “NADA” sería vivir en miseria y “TODO” es solo un sueño.

Podría vivir sin verte otra vez,

Me gusta eso que es secreto, que no he hablado, lo que te escondo sin haberlo desenmarañado yo, me gusta ese no sé de las cosas, tejiendo instantes que no pasarán, inventarme que nunca te conocí. Me gusta el perfume de lo incierto, me fascina el “supongo” de mi vida. Me restriego entre los pétalos de aquellas rosas que no te voy a dar por egoísta, porque las quiero yo, que sean mi “nunca”. Solo escribiendo puedo decirte lo mucho que te quiero bien. Que se quede así, para mí será eternamente suficiente.

No recuerdo muy bien la fecha en la que nos conocimos, tampoco el mes ni nada. No recuerdo muy bien qué fue lo que hablamos ni qué nos dijimos la primera vez que tuvimos una conversación. Pero siempre te recuerdo platicando, siempre tuviste una sonrisa reservada para mi a eso de las 5 de la tarde. Nos decíamos mucho con poco y siempre me gusto platicarte y que me devolvieras los piropos como tantas veces lo hacemos hoy en día. Siempre me dabas un minuto para reír y esperar verte se volvió en una rutina como aquel que se espera a la hora del café para sentarse y suspirar el cansancio del día entero. Me gusta pensar que comenzó todo porque yo encontré un confidente en ti. Hasta convertirte en un amor de mi vida, no cómo los que había tenido sino uno que no tuvo que romperme el corazón para enamorarme o dejar huella en este pechito. Me inspiras tanta ternura con tus gestos y tu manera tan dulce de explicar lo que quieres decir, siempre tienes sumo cuidado de tus palabras dándolas poquito a poco porque en tu boca jamás ha estado alguna mala intención, aunque haya gente que se haya merecido escuchar verdades viniendo de ti.  

Me siento como con familia cuando estoy contigo y ese es el piropo más grande y significativo que te puedo dar.

Si por alguna razón no estamos juntos para toda la vida, hoy lo que siento por ti, cuenta y cuenta mucho, ojalá puedas volver a estar carta y recordar los chistes, las risas, las chelas, las canciones, los besos, las bailadas, las confesiones y sobre todo el amor que sentimos. Sos una belleza de hombre Pacheco, estoy tan honrada de tenerte en mi vida. Poco a poco se hace más real aqueo del hombre perfecto. Definitivamente cada vez estas más cerca. Para siempre mi contramaestre navegando sobre este barco de malas desiciones sobre este ancho y basto mar llamado vida.  

The thing is babe, at the end of the day I DO regret many things, many of them about you, about the things I couldn’t handle that were about you. I regret the things I missed, the things I neglect, the things I did in your name. I know you never asked for my love, you never really talked me into, convince me with lies or treachery, you were you and I was myself....that’s all it really took. But right now my love, my heart is heavy with sorrow, with unhappiness, with uncertain. I do not know why I’m so sad....