Therapy and other ‘tings
For the longest time I was soooo against going to a therapist. My mother made me go when I was in middle school and I went again in college when I was in the middle of a ~crisis~ and needless to say, both were not great experiences. Now- it is fabulous... and messy, and confusing, but also great. I have a whole hour with a professional listener and helper who gives me to space to talk. Talk about mild or deep topics. Talk and be given advice to either take or leave as I wish. Someone in my life who I don’t need to worry about judging me. So much of my life revolves around what others think of me and my actions, etc. It is quite frankly exhausting. Unfortunately, those are hard habits to kick, but without therapy- I would not have been able to come to that conclusion on my own. One thing I love is that she makes me understand that my current state is not my finite state. I am not required to be the same person I have always been, nor do I need to abandon the parts of me that I have come to fully embrace in order to make positive change. I am who I am supposed to be and that is ok. It is ok to want change, but it is also ok to be fine with who I currently am. I don’t need to reinvent my whole self in order to be happy. I can learn to see things more flexibly and be ok with that as I navigate through the mess. I am sooooo thankful for the PERSPECTIVE that therapy has been giving me. Before this experience, I had been so narrow minded and finite in my thinking. Everything I did was to build a solid life that could withstand the breeze. Now I am learning that this is limiting in so many ways. I am learning that it does not need to completely go away but rather be channeled in a new way. I am learning to be kind to myself and others.
Another form of therapy I am trying out is guided journaling. This has never been my favorite thing- but I am learning to try new things. Through my first time answering a few pages of questions, I learned that the answers are not the point of the “game” but rather what I learn about myself during the process. here is what I have learned so far- I am always looking for the “right” answer to such open-ended questions. -I am a people pleasing person out of fear of rejection. -I tend to reserve my own thoughts and feelings about others because I tend to put their experiences in front of my own... I am too worried about them liking me that I don’t give myself the honest shot in determining how I feel about them. -I am crippled by my anxiety. in a very unique way... in a - I refuse to try new things because I am scared. I don't like putting myself out there for scrutiny. I think this is why I am so reluctant to ask for help- professionally, personally, etc. I like to fit into a box- this or that questions are fun for me because it is finite. Although I found myself wanting to give a justification for which side I chose. I had an easier time answering those questions because it was opposite choices- I think for so long I have lived like this to the point where I was prideful about the fact that “I know myself so well” when in actuality I was limiting my ability to just be~ I am learning that a rich life requires a lot more thinking and feeling and these muscles are very weak within me at the moment.
