HKT48 Is My Life

As the general manager, it was her responsibility to take care of others before her. It was an unfair proposition, but with a group so large, it was an essential role. However, she felt no distaste for it. In fact, it was a position she embraced with pride and joy. She loved the group from the bottom of her heart, and to be able to stand tall and proud as the leader such a group could only be described as a dream come true.

Unfortunately, along with that fulfillment came a curse. A curse that sealed her mouth shut as long as she was crowned the leader of the group.

Only recently was she able to take her first step forward.

“This year… I want to take first place.”

Those words were the hardest for her to have ever said. There was an eerie sense of unfamiliarity with those words.

In her heart, she often heard the words “I want”.

Yet, she had never spoken the words “I want”.

And so, in a desperate last effort, she could only tighten her grip around her own fingers, praying just a little harder.

“…with a total of 137,252 votes…”

Because, she could never say that she wanted it.

“…AKB48…”

Because, she had never accepted that she wanted it.

“…Team A…”

Because, I want it.

“Takahashi Minami!”

The crowd erupted in a frenzy of cheers and screams, sending a shiver down her spine. She could feel the goosebumps that ran along her skin. Her heart throbbing incredibly fast, she stood up and took a bow.

Looking up again, tears clouded her vision as they welled up in her. Tears of joy. Tears of frustration. Tears of loneliness. Tears that she could not explain began streaming down her cheeks and she slowly made her way towards the main podium.

To say she was disappointed was without a doubt wrong. To be able to pour her heart and soul into the group, and have the fans recognize that effort and to reward her with her best ever ranking in the election, she felt truly grateful for. And as she continued to deliver her final speech, she did her best to convey those honest feelings, holding back the tears that threatened to escape her grasp.

Because they were tears she was not proud of.

They were tears that held gratitude, but there was also a sense of regret for not reaching out for more.

She thought she had abandoned all her desires, but as she gradually came to realise how she would be leaving the group shortly, the selfishness she had buried deep within her heart had slowly began creeping up again. In the end, she was only human too, and she could not help but feel a sense of loneliness, as the sole leader of the group, always trying her best to pull everyone together towards new, inconceivable heights, without anyone to fall back on.

I wonder, since when did I have these feelings…?

While reflecting on her days within the group, she wonderfully completed the speech only worthy of being spoken by the leading veteran of AKB48. She had cleared the highest hurdle.

Or so she thought.

She suddenly felt the members around her become stunned. The audience exerted an unusual anxiousness. The staff members were tense and the air became still.

And so, she turned to the source of the change.

And with that, the hollow absence within her heart that left her feeling alone presented herself in front of her.

The one who pulled everyone forward with her, the one who she always fell back on.

Before, she was here.

And now, when she needed her most, she was here once again.

She couldn’t believe it. Minami wanted to deny the reality presented in front of her. She had done so much to block out the things that she wanted, so she wouldn’t let herself delve into a pathetic state of self-pity. Yet, the one that she wanted most, at a time that she needed it most, stood beautifully in front of her.

Weak to her knees, she could help crumbling to the floor. Tears that could no longer be contained flowed endlessly. Next to her, she crouched down, and called out to her in a chocked up yet sweet voice.

“You did well, Takamina.”

Don’t cry as well… you’ll make me cry even more… stupid.

She had constantly been praised and acknowledged for all the work she had done not only for AKB48, but the 48 group as a whole. But in the end…

I really wanted to hear you say it… Atsuko.

With the last bit of strength she could muster, she whispered her reply so that the world could not hear it.

Because she wanted these words to be heard by no one but Atsuko.

“Thank you.”

And with a blink of the eye, the event had ended. Watanabe Mayu experienced an unexpected drop to 3rd place, with her teammate and partner Kashiwagi Yuki taking the spot over her by a slim margin. This left Sashihara Rino as the winner, winning her second title by a hefty margin of nearly 30,000 votes.

However, at this moment, Minami cared about none of that.

After fulfilling all her media and general manager responsibilities, she finally had some time to spend with Atsuko. Currently, they were walking silently next to each other.

There was no sense of awkwardness though. Neither of them felt it was necessary to strike up any small talk. They simply embraced the peace and tranquillity of spending time with the one they wanted to most.

However, there was an urge for Minami to talk.

This was no simple conversation that she wanted to hold with a friend.

During her speech where she inevitably reflected on her 10 years within AKB, she had realised how often she disregarded her own desires. They were always there, but she simply rejected them and never voiced it out.

She wasn’t sure of it, but she believed it was the uncomfortable pain that she felt after her name was called in 4th place.

So then, why do I feel it now?

Was it something she wanted? What else was missing? Her best friend and long-time comrade gifted her with the most wonderful final election she could have imagined. Was there really anything more she wanted?

In reality, it was painfully obvious.

Was she really going to let this pain consume her once again?

“Hey, Atsuko?”

She broke the silence.

“Hmm?”

“I like you.”

“I like you too~”

“No. I love you.”

“I love you too~. Why is Takamina flirting with me all of a sudden?”

But, she ignored her playful teasing and continued.

“Let’s date.”

“Ahahaha! Sure!”

But, she stood her ground, and wavered not one bit.

“…eh? Wait, really?”

Because she wasn’t going to stay silent anymore.

“Really.”

Because she could never properly convey what she wanted.

“…Are you serious?”

But she would not make the same mistake.

“I’m serious.”

Because this was the one thing she wanted most.

“…”

Minami had no idea what she was saying anymore. She had never so directly and confidently spoken out about what she yearned. However, she believed that no matter what happened, the bond between herself and Atsuko would not be broken so easily, and so she didn’t stop.

However, Atsuko’s response betrayed all her expectations.

She completely took control of the situation, and softly placed her hand on her head, causing Minami to suddenly blush.

“Do you really want to?”

Minami gave a shy nod.

But Atsuko was stricter than that.

“Really?”

The voice within Minami was struggling to break free. Although she had been confident in Atsuko responding in such a way that it would not hurt their current relationship, it was incredibly hard to figure out what the girl in front of her was thinking of right now.

“…”

But despite Atsuko’s cold tone, she gave a warm gaze to Minami as she gently stroked her hair.

Atsuko didn’t want to make her say it. She wanted her to say it herself.

“Unn. I want to.”

Hearing those words, Atsuko pulled Minami into a tight hug. She could feel her petite body shivering, and embraced her with as much strength as she could, as she whispered into her ear softly.

“Well done. I’m glad you could say it.”

Minami didn’t get an answer, yet she felt inexplicably warm. She pulled back a little to meet Atsuko’s gaze, and she saw the eyes of a mother filled with pride and joy.

“I want you date you, Atsuko.”

“I want to as well, you dummy.”

Minami couldn’t believe her ears. Her mind went blank, and she could only continue to stare into Atsuko’s eyes.

She didn’t know when, but Atsuko had swiftly closed the distance between them.

And she felt their lips softly touch.

It was a fleeting kiss, yet the feeling of Atsuko’s lips lingered on hers.

Still stunned, she only managed to widen her eyes a little.

“See? You just have to say what you want. You might not always get it, but it never hurts to try you know?”

“But… I never said I wanted… to kiss…”

“So you didn’t want to kiss?”

At that jab, Minami quickly stammered a flustered reply.

“N-n-no! It’s not like… I didn’t… want it…”

“Hmm? I couldn’t hear you properly.”

Atsuko urged her forward.

“…I want… to kiss you…”

Atsuko couldn’t help letting out a small giggle before pressing her lips onto Minami’s again. They held the kiss slightly longer this time, treasuring the time they were connected together.

As they parted, Minami felt her heart race at an incredible speed. Yet, she felt comfortable within the rapid pounding of her heart. It was a feeling she didn’t want to lose.

“Atsuko, there’s something else I want.”

“Dummy, didn’t you learn anything? You don’t need my permission to say what you want.”

Minami let out a little chuckle when she realised how hopeless she was without Atsuko’s help.

“Sorry.”

But that only confirmed how much she wanted Atsuko by her side.

“So…?”

Again, Atsuko gently guided her forward.

“I want to stay with you forever.”

And Minami obediently followed her lead.

“I do too.”

Atsuko reciprocated her feelings with a gentle smile on her face.

“Then, please take care of me from now on.”

“Same here.”

Exchanging looks, the girls couldn’t help but laugh at the unusually formal atmosphere between them.

“I’ll have to graduate first though.”

“Then I’ll wait for you until then.”

“Can you imagine Akimoto-san’s face if I told him I was planning to date Atsuko?”

“Hey, he might force you to graduate sooner. Then we can start dating sooner!”

“I can’t just leave the group idiot! I’d feel bad for Yui to have to shoulder the general manager role so suddenly because I got myself a girlfriend.”

“Ehhhh? Isn’t it fine?”

In no time, they returned to the casual and relaxed atmosphere they usually had around each other. They laughed endlessly while talking, purely enjoying the company of each other. However, there was something between them that was different now.

Something that was missing before.

Minami never accepted the fact that she was as humane as anybody else in the world. Caught up in the pressure and responsibilities of a general manager, she forged herself into a selfless and giving leader that acted in the interest and wellbeing of the juniors that followed her footsteps. She would never say that she wanted something, because she always placed others before her. However, there was one person who stood even with her. They had entirely different roles within the group, yet they understood each other the most. Once she left the group, there was an undeniable gap left in Minami’s heart.

But today, that gap was filled.

She finally said what she wanted most.

And now, she finally had what she wanted most.

To stand by Atsuko’s side, forever.

While writing this fic, I looked around a lot for Atsumina gifs and episodes and whatnot for a bit of inspiration, and I’m really glad I did. I was introduced to a gay af wonderful ship that I had not particularly looked into before, and exploring the relationship between the two made me realise exactly what importance these two held within the group. I’m really happy I got a chance to write this fic ^.^

“Thank you so much! I’m really happy, but you didn’t have to go so far as to gather everyone for a surprise like this…”

“But it’s for Nacchan!” Aoi chirped with her childish grin. “We wanted to make sure you’d be as happy as possible for your 20th birthday!”

“It’s better this way, isn’t it?” Haruppi added with a knowing look.

Of course, everyone knew the source of Natsu’s recent depression, and desperately wanted to guide her out of her darkness. It was already the eve of Natsu’s 20th birthday, one week since their former captain left the group. She had time to prepare for this since her talk with Chihiro a few months ago, and her promotion to captain was definitely a source of motivation. But in the end, having her most beloved person on this planet leave the group inevitably impacted the new captain greatly.

“Then, shall we start?” Haruppi continued.

On cue, the lights were switched off, Madoka brought in the cake, and the members started singing happy birthday. Natsu closed her eyes with a smile, trying her best to genuinely focus on and appreciate the effort her companions put in to cheer her up.

“Now make a wish!”

Keeping her eyes closed, Natsu let out a sigh of defeat, as her emotions thwarted her best attempt at breaking the darkness and leaving her source of depression behind. Despite her efforts, there was still only one thing left on her mind.

I wish Chiichan will never forget me…

She let out a small giggle.

…and maybe even love me.

And with that, she blew out the candle.

“I’ll be heading back to my room then.” Aoi said as she got off the bed. “Don’t get too depressed over it ok? I’m sure Chiichan wants to see you leading with confidence rather and brooding over her every single day.”

Natsu gave a slight nod.

“We’re all here for you, so don’t be afraid to ask for help.”

“I know. Tell everyone I said thanks for today. It really helped.”

Aoi gave her a gentle smile as a response before heading out the room as the last member to leave. After enjoying the cake together, the members stayed for some card games, as well as witnessing Natsu’s first drink as the clock struck midnight. The atmosphere was cheerful and lively, and helped Natsu somewhat shake off some of the gloominess she had been carrying around.

As she prepared for bed, she switched off the lights before taking out her phone from her bag to see an unread message from Chihiro. She anxiously opened the message. The screen shone brightly in the pitch black room.

“Happy birthday Nacchan! We’ve talked so much these past few months that there isn’t much left for me to say. I know how tough it can be as the captain, but if it’s Nacchan, then it will definitely be fine! Do your best, new Kyappu!”

The message was so short, yet receiving words of encouragement from her former captain stirred a new drive in Natsu. All this time, she had been hanging her head low after the departure of Chihiro, lost in a borderless darkness, unable to find any purpose in her activities. Yet halfway across the world, the one who had entrusted her to receive the baton and to carry on the duties of captain, never lost confidence in her, and was depending on her to lead HKT onwards. Despite being in another country, Chihiro was the light that was guiding her.

“So you haven’t forgotten me yet…” Natsu jokingly mumbled as she typed up her reply.

“So you haven’t forgotten me yet?”

Natsu let out a chuckle before continuing her message.

“Don’t worry, I’ll definitely do my best, even without Chiichan around. If Chiichan trusts me, then I just have to try harder for Chiichan.”

Natsu took a deep breath.

“For the Chiichan I love~”

Natsu sent the message and put her phone down before getting into bed. She was just about to close her eyes before she heard her phone buzz against the table. Reaching over, she picked it up, reading the reply.

“Tehe, how embarrassing~ I love Nacchan too <3”

Natsu grinned at the message before putting her phone back down. She knew this flirtatious, joking kind of love wasn’t the same love she felt for Chihiro, but it didn’t change the fact that it was enough to brighten up her mood and push her forward. 

“At least it’s one step closer towards granting my wish.”

For the first time in a while, she closed her eyes with a sense of ease. She was enveloped in darkness, but she now found a new source of light to guide her forward.

And that light was Chihiro, her light.

Author’s Note: HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY NACCHAN <33333

After seeing Natsu’s G+ post on the morning of her birthday, this idea just kinda popped into my head. I tried to get it done before her birthday ended, but I didn’t have enough time ;w; Sorry if it’s a bit rushed :<

“Uhm…” Ozaki-san spoke up. “I hope you all had a productive lesson. Thank you all for your continued hard work.” He bowed politely, to which the members reciprocated. However, there was a sense of uneasiness around the room that couldn’t go unnoticed.

“However, I have a little bad news for everyone… It seems that this year, we won’t be performing at NHK’s Kouhaku Uta Gassen.”

The air in the room was still. Some members let their jaws hang in shock. Others were clearly dejected, and a few had even started crying. Chihiro sat motionless. It felt like a hole had been punched in her heart.

“I’m sure there is a reason for this, and I don’t want anybody here to think it’s their fault. Moving forward, we can only hope to continue trying our best.”

“I’m sure some of you are unhappy.” This time, Sasshi decided to speak. Her voice was trembling. “Frankly speaking, I’m extremely unhappy. But if they decided to not include us, we just have to work harder to prove them wrong next time. Like Ozaki-san said, this isn’t one person’s fault. We have to work together.”

Chihiro could feel the burning in her throat. She wanted to let it all out, to cry at the top of her lungs. But she waited, swallowing her pain to act as captain in front of all the other members. She watched as her friends excused themselves to the bathroom, to find a place to let out their frustrations. As the captain, she knew she had to stay behind to comfort and reassure everyone. To support everyone.

Yet, she was the one who needed the most support.

And so, she waited and waited. She waited as the members left one by one, sending them off with her ever cheerful smile. Sasshi and Love-tan, polished veterans of the 48 group, knew the pain she was in. But they could only provide as much as a hopeful word of encouragement. Chihiro was grateful for it, but that wasn’t the support she had been waiting for. The hole in her heart still wasn’t filled.

At last, all the members had left. And here she was, curled up into a ball in the corner of the room. She had waited until every last member had left, before preparing to free herself from the chain she had locked on her neck that strangled back her frustrations. She was soon turning 20, and as an adult, she knew she could no longer wait for the members to support her. She had to forge her own supporting pillar, to stand firm as the captain of Team H. Or so she thought…

“Are you frustrated?”

Chihiro jumped at the sudden voice from behind her. The familiar voice of her most trusted companion.

Why is Natsu here…?

She was sure all the members had left after the lesson and…

“Nee… are you frustrated?”

…and when the news was announced.

Chihiro tried to break the silence, but the words were stuck in her throat. She kept her face buried in her knees. Right now, she didn’t want to see Natsu. Frankly, she was a bit annoyed at her. She would have preferred being left alone, having waited so long without crying in front of the members. Yet Natsu stood there, prodding and reminding her of the thing she had tried so hard to get off her mind.

Why are you even asking? Of course I’m frustrated! We weren’t invited to Kouhaku! Not to mention I’m the captain too…

Chihiro felt Natsu crouch down beside her, letting out a sigh, as if she was disappointed to see her captain so down. Chihiro felt the rush of warm air flow by her ears. Her heart started pounding against her chest at an incredible speed. She could feel her face heating up.

“Why am I even asking, of course you’re frustrated. We weren’t invited to Kouhaku after all...”

Chihiro felt her heart skip a beat.

“…but just because you’re the captain, doesn’t mean you have to take all the responsibility.”

In an instant, Chihiro felt all the tension in her body go. The burden she was holding on her shoulders that couldn’t be relieved by Sasshi, Love-tan, or even Ozaki-san. In one moment, all it took was Natsu’s words of reassurance for her to feel relaxed.

“You know… I was watching you today. I like that cool, dependable, and reliable kind of Chiichan.”

Chihiro knew her weaknesses as a captain. She knew she was incapable at many things. She knew she was raised and taken care of in a wealthy environment. She knew she wasn’t the best at encouraging with words. But that only made her want to improve more. She worked as hard as she could to become the strongest captain her delicate, princess-like frame could manage, and even more. Despite all the members constantly thanking Chihiro for her hard work, she always had this unknown drive to work even harder. She could never quite put her finger on what it was. Until now.

Chihiro finally turned around and looked up. The tears that had welled up in her eyes clouded her vision, but it was enough to make out the proud smile on Natsu’s face, almost like the smile of an older sister when their younger sister learns to stand up for the first time.

Chihiro knew she was the older one, but that was all she needed to see to send her heart into a racing pace. She bit on her lower lip, trying one last time to control her emotions.

“I like this cute kind of Chiichan too.”

Natsu placed her hand on Chihiro’s head, gently brushing her hair.

“You were brave today, Chii… Kyappu.”

Chihiro couldn’t hold it back anymore. She threw herself into her vice-captain, tears streaming down her face. She bawled into Natsu’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around Natsu’s waist tightly. When the news was announced, members all around her started breaking into tears. As the captain, she knew she had to keep her composure and hold back her tears. In the changing room, members all around her were disheartened and depressed. As the captain, she knew she had to cheer everyone up and put away her frown. After the members had left, she knew she was free to let her feelings out without the label as “captain”, to cry away her frustrations alone, without exposing all the weaknesses she had as a captain. Yet, that wasn’t what she had wanted most.

“Natsu…”

I love you.

Natsu gripped her waist tightly, running her hands through Chihiro’s short, fluffy hair.

A rush of warmth enveloped Chihiro. A vanilla-like aroma wafted across her nose as she rested her head on Natsu’s long, silky hair. She melted into Natsu’s soft touch, letting her exhausted body and mind crumble into Natsu’s embrace.

This was what she had wanted. Her touch. Her warmth. Her love.

All this time, all she had wanted was Natsu.

After what seemed like an eternity, Chihiro’s tears finally came to a stop. Her eyes were dry and puffy, and her breathing had gradually regulated from an erratic pace. She felt Natsu’s arms slip away from her body, and couldn’t help but want to hold on for longer. She raised her head to see Natsu’s outstretched arm, offering her a hand. Knowing that she had to pull herself together at some point, she gladly took it, helping herself up from the floor.

Chihiro dusted off her skirt before looking back up again, only to see that Natsu had already started walking back towards the changing rooms. Chihiro skipped towards Natsu to catch up. She thought it was really ironic. Despite being the older girl while Natsu was the younger one, despite being the captain while Natsu was the vice-captain, she always felt most comfortable when following Natsu’s back, just like she was doing now. Without ever realising it, she had always relied on Natsu when she had nowhere to go. Whenever she was lost, whenever she was in doubt, the home she would return to was always Natsu.

“Natsu… thank you for today.”

Natsu replied without turning around. “No problem. Was I a good vice-captain?”

“Of course you were.”

“Say… what if I was Kyappu’s girlfriend?”

Chihiro stopped in her tracks.

“Would I have been a good girlfriend just now?”

Eh!? Did Natsu call herself my girlfriend?

“S-s-sorry? C-could you say that a-a-again?”

Natsu knew her captain heard her clearly. She continued to slowly pace forwards.

“Remember that time you posted on Google+ about making brownies? And I said that I wanted to date you?”

She finally came to a stop, took a deep breath, and turned to Chihiro.

“I wasn’t joking you know. Let’s date, Chiichan.”

Chihiro stood frozen as she felt her face burning up. Her heart was racing uncontrollably. She tried urging out a few words, but what came out of her mouth could only be described as incomprehensible stuttering. She looked down in embarrassment and tried to find a place to rest her trembling hands. They found their way to her flushed cheeks, only for herself to realise the awkward grin that was plastered to her face.

Despite being nervous herself, Natsu couldn’t help but giggle at the flustered state of her captain. In fact, Chihiro’s reaction calmed her down. Seeing as Chihiro was probably incapable of holding a conversation right now, Natsu did her the favour of speaking.

“So… I take that as a yes?”

Chihiro looked up slightly, and her gaze met Natsu’s. Immediately, her eyes started darting around, eventually settling at her feet again. She fidgeted with her hands behind her back before finally mustering a small nod in response.

Natsu couldn’t help having her heart flutter at the cute ball of mess that was in front of her. Returning to the younger, spoilt girl she usually was around her captain, she playfully hopped over to Chihiro, pulling her into a hug.

“I love you Chiichan!”

Chihiro was stunned at first, but giggled at the childish behaviour of her partner. Although she knew her feelings for Natsu were clear to both parties, she couldn’t help but want to directly tell Natsu. She nervously nibbled at her lower lip before finally gathering her courage.

“I… love you too, Natsu.”

Natsu pulled back in shock at the fact that her captain managed to confess her feelings so directly. However, her sweet smile, with her eyes crinkling into two dazzling arcs, immediately returned. It was her most genuine smile, for the person she most genuinely loved. Unable to hold back, she dove into Chihiro for another hug. She wanted to claim the captain as her own.

Chihiro was somewhat embarrassed, but nevertheless happy for the affection Natsu showed. However, looking around the quiet, empty room, she worried at the time it was. She regretfully pulled away from Natsu’s embrace.

“You know Natsu,” Chihiro said as she pulled out her phone and checked the time. “We should be heading home soon. It’s getting pretty late.”

Natsu looked at Chihiro with hopeful eyes. “About that, I called your mom to tell her that I would be coming over for the night…”

“EH!?”

“…and she said that it’s okay.”

“What about your parents?”

“They didn’t mind.” Natsu put on a mischievous pout. “What? You don’t want me to come over? I thought you loved me…”

“Y-yeah I do…” Chihiro couldn’t help but get flustered at Natsu’s act. She hit herself mentally for always losing her composure and falling for Natsu’s obvious traps.

Natsu’s pout slowly turned into a playful grin. “Then I can come over, right?”

Chihiro didn’t want to lose to Natsu, but she couldn’t deny the want to spend a day with Natsu at her place. Giving in, she nodded softly in agreement. However, a little issue crossed her mind, which made her cheeks go pink. She had considerable trouble trying to voice her not-so-appropriate thoughts.

“But… my family will be there… so we won’t get to… uh… do…”

Natsu was intrigued by how far the usually innocent Chihiro had already thought ahead. Of course, those things were already in Natsu’s mind, but she didn’t expect her new partner to come to terms with it so quickly. However, Natsu already had a plan in mind, and silently thanked Chihiro’s mom.

“Maybe I should also mention that your mom said your family would be leaving for a sudden family trip early tomorrow morning. Something about really last minute plans…”

“HAH!? But I won’t get enough rest to enjoy the trip… wait, why would she say okay to you coming over in the first place…?”

Natsu’s grin grew wider.

“Oh, she didn’t buy you a ticket.”

“…Eh?”

Chihiro’s dumbfounded look only prompted Natsu to stretch her grin even further. “Your mom said that she ‘understood the circumstances’, and told us to enjoy our day off tomorrow.”

“EH!? MAMA?”

“Your mom knows a surprising amount about you.” Natsu smirked knowingly. “I’m looking forward to going through that photo album you have of me.”

Chihiro turned bright red in embarrassment. “Wait! You can’t… MAMA!”

Natsu burst out laughing at how easy her captain and partner was to tease. Chihiro, on the other hand, was much less amused and turned away, pouting.

“Stop joking around, Natsu!”

Natsu calmed herself down, wiping tears from her eyes, before she once again put on that smirk. She quietly approached Chihiro from behind, whispering into her ears.

“I wasn’t joking, you know.”

Chihiro jumped at the breeze across her ear and blushed uncontrollably, before realising she had fell right into Natsu’s trap again. She turned around, only to see Natsu running away, sticking her tongue out at her, and still wearing that usual, child-like grin of hers.

“MOU!”