♡

i always come to tumblr with my saddest thoughts at times like this because i know i can say & do whatever i want without being bothered or questioned or coming off as a bother because no one’s here to bother anyways. ive known amber for forever. & she was on her way to medical school. funny, pretty, smart; like practically perfect. well on her way to the ideal life. she was my best friend’s older sister & the daughter of one of the nicest couples ive ever met. seeing a bunch of people come together & mourn this loss has been crazy. seeing my best friend absolutely torn up & seeing her parents torn up is absolutely killing me. i was looking back on a very old post i had made about the supposed “death” of this kid, & reading how i felt back then versus now hurts a lot. back then the death turned out to be some sick joke. but this time the death is real & much much closer. & the feeling of god taking the wrong person has grown so much stronger because of that. & im so angry about it. i have goals set or whatever but they’re not realistic & im not working hard enough. & i still subconsciously feel very oppossed to my existence. im taking up this unnecessary space on this world & idk what to do about it. killing myself would be selfish. but why wasn’t it me? a family i love a lot is being torn inside. & i can’t do anything about it. nothing i say or do will ever be enough. i don’t know what to do.