august is a fever

wishlist

ok besties this blog has become really overwhelming hehe so i made a new one ! it’s still heavily under co lol but give this a like and i can send u the link <3

the smile on his face is unwavering now, eyes cast downwards to take in the sight of his hand once more. he’s careful not to touch the bandaid, smirk present when his head lifts, gaze finding her, just as it always did. “ oh, if something happens to my hand, i’ll be letting them know your fingerprints are all over this bandaid, carpenter. ” his own laughter aligns with hers, entangling in the air, and dying on his tongue not long after hers does, too. has to take a step back then, or angle his hand forward, to stop the water from dripping on him, melting beneath his touch. and while he knows that’s probably a sign to head back indoors, to make another makeshift ice pack, or even head home and take proper care of his hand there, his feet remain glued to the ground, his entire body drawing for him to stay. miller comes to realise, then, just how much he’d missed her, since tyler had arrived ─ still doesn’t think that’s a sign of jealousy, by any means, but he had gotten used to her company, to seeing her every single day. often, it felt like she was the only thing keeping grounded, these days. he probably would’ve lost his mind a long time ago, had he never sat next to her on the first day of class, never approached her at that stupid fucking party, never said yes to leaving with her. truly doesn’t know where he’d be without her presence in his life, and if the past week provided any insight, then god, that wasn’t something he ever wanted to consider. “ ah, that’s right, ” finds himself chuckling again, even as his eyes roll. “ the two people who just admitted they’re not even sure they know what love is are in love with each other. is that what we should say, the next time someone brings it up ? ” and that was only a matter of time, until somebody did, he had no doubt about it. it was the type of thing he couldn’t escape, whether it came from people they knew, or people they didn’t. there’s a small amount of incertitude that washes over him, now that he’s said that aloud ─ how she could be so sure she loved somebody, without knowing how it felt, or with having a certain idea of it in her head, that feeling of being understood and whole, but not feeling that with the person she was currently with. doesn’t think it’s his business to pry into, however, so he holds back, even if the question remains at the tip of his tongue. “ hm, so to be understood and be whole ? are we asking for too much with that one ? it feels like a lot, ” he teases, but even he can’t deny how flat it falls, not after what she’d just told him, how shitty of a feeling it currently was for her. “ it’s me, what’s that supposed to mean ? because that’s so not true. i’d have to actually talk to people, you know, other than you, for that to be true, ” another chuckle falls, though this time it comes from a place of uncertainty, packed with nervousness. but that demeanour changes soon, remembering that her night couldn’t have been easy, that she would’ve been hurting. “ i’m sorry, by the way, for what tyler said. i hope you know you don’t deserve to be spoken about like that... it’s pretty fucked up, you know ? ” lets that settle for a second, before perking up again. “ what are you... i mean, what do you think you’ll do ? i know before you said he didn’t admit to anything when you mentioned it. ”

okay,  so  maybe  she  overreacted  too  quickly,  but  she  couldn’t  help  it.  this  was  inching  closer  and  closer  to  breakup  territory.  you  can  imagine  her  surprise,  then,  when  he  informs  her  otherwise,  brows  furrowed.  “  but  it  makes  sense,  doesn’t  it  ?  ”  and  there  it  is  once  again,  her  tendency  to  self-destruct,  to  demolish  anything  good  standing  in  front  of  her,  just  like  she  had  done  when  she’d  made  the  mistake.  “  because  you’ll  just  ...  hold  it  over  my  head,  anyway.  there’s  no  trust  if  there’s  no  forgiveness.  ”  and  it  was  killing  her  that  she’d  hurt  him,  that  she’d  done  it  in  the  first  place,  that  he  wouldn’t  be  able  to  forgive  her.

jesse  can’t  seem  to  help  it,  the  way  his  mind  travels  back  to  an  easier  place,  a  happier  one.  that  period  of  time  held  a  heavy  contrast  to  now,  where  he  stands  in  front  of  her,  weight  shifting  from  one  leg  to  the  other,  barely  knowing  what  to  do  with  his  hands,  settling  with  placing  them  in  the  pockets  of  his  jacket,  for  now.  even  that  doesn’t  feel  right,  when  all  he  wants  to  do  is  reach  for  her.  somehow,  he  manages  a  smile,  aimed  in  her  general  direction.  “  uh,  right...  yeah.  i’ll  get  there  eventually,  i  hope.  ”

unfortunately, it didn’t make it hurt any less, knowing they were doing the right thing. wishes they could be selfish, that the cards could be played right for them, for once. but that wasn’t the case, just as it never had been, over the years they’d known each other ─ something always got in the way. her brows furrow when he speaks, glancing up at him through her teary-eyed vision. “ i wouldn’t want him, even if he was, ” which he definitely wasn’t; merryn had made herself very clear, on where they stood, the moment grayson had left that day, after they both expressed everything they’d kept bottled up for so long. it felt pointless now, getting everything off her chest when it resulted in this. still, she nods, following slowly behind him to her door, willing to feel his arms around her once more, to have him tell her this was just some horrible dream. alas, the moment doesn’t come, allowing for her own arms to wrap around her torso, each step harder than the last, feeling as if they might crumble beneath her weight. “ yeah... you too, ” except she didn’t see how she could still see him, in any form, after this. “ you’ll be great... at the whole dad thing. i hope you know that. ”

she had a point, but miller had always been obstinate in that way. if his relationship with madison was anything to go by, then it was clearer than day ─ had been aware of all the things she’d wanted, and still, that hadn’t been enough to change on his mind. it could come back to meeting the right person, she was right, but back then, he’d believed he’d found that in madison.  now, he supposes, he wasn’t so sure, now that he’d been lead to lyanna. sadly, that didn’t make things any easier, as they were beginning to discuss, and the outline for how they proceeded forward was becoming blurrier by the second. “ oh, uh... right, yeah, ” he swallows harshly, raising his hand to rub at the base of is throat. hadn’t exactly thought about it in that way, what it would’ve felt like to see them together. “ so, what do you... ” he begins, needing to pause to prepare himself for the answer. “ so, what do you want to do ? where do we go from here ? ”

he wishes he could offer more than a shrug in response, but it’s all his body is capable of. it wasn’t really his place to overstep more than he had already, acting out the way he had on a whim, impetuous in its nature. it was the best way to make sense of it in his head, even if he had a tincture that it meant more than that, even if he can’t make sense of it in his head right now. because no, he wouldn’t have done that for just any friend, no matter how many times he tries to tell himself that was the case. he wonders if it would’ve been different, had he gotten off on the right foot with her boyfriend, had it felt like he was even given the chance to do so, but he supposed it didn’t matter anymore, when the damage had already been done. “ ah, yeah... right. i didn’t really think it through, obviously, ” his chest elicits a nervous chuckle, glancing down at his hand, at the reminder it brought. “ it’ll heal, though. so, you don’t need to worry. ” sends a smile in her direction, almost matching hers exactly, dressed in its sheepish attire. doesn’t think he’s worth being fussed over, having her come out to check up on him, to help him the way she had. roles were reversed now, as he tries to comfort her. can’t exactly tell if he’s doing much, however, having never done it before, with her. “ you are, ” he'll echo between them, as if it was a promise, desperately wanting to reach out and wipe the tears that depart her eyes, but he’s already transgressed past multiple boundaries tonight, and so he restrains himself. all that goes out the window, having her close that opening between them, feeling her arms loop around him. he can only hope it isn’t too obvious, the confusion that runs through him at first, posture solidifying, stiffening, at the initial contact. only a few seconds pass before he realises how much he enjoys having her this close, his frame easing, muscular arms encircling her torso. he’s never felt more comfortable, having somebody’s head against his chest the way hers was, though he’s suddenly hyperaware of the way his heart beings to beat faster, feeling unsettled that she can probably feel it, too. makes no effort to move, however, only arching down to rest his chin atop her head. “ promise i only laugh at them out of pity, ” light laugher weaves its way within his words, feeling another tinge inside him, this time of hesitation, lingering right above them, not wanting to move from this spot, from her, to never have more space between them than necessary again. but he does, when she does, even if reluctance weighs him down initially. can’t seem to help the way his gaze falls to her lips when he gets a look at her face again, for a brief second wondering what it would feel like to close that gap, too. shuns that thought out of his mind as quickly as it arrives, even as his gaze lingers for a second too long. distracts himself by reaching for the bag of ice again, holding it against his knuckles, focusing on the small wet patch her tears had left on his shirt. “ do you think that’s what love should feel like ? stuck in black hole ? ” understood that it could come in a multitude of ways, but that didn’t sound like anything he’d want to open himself up to. “ i think... well, i imagine the best thing it could feel like is mutual understanding. that wouldn’t feel dark, to me, ” shrugs then, vulnerability clinging to his every word. but he’s quick to shift the mood, another laugh falling into the air. “ thanks though, dev. i’d love to see that. i think i’d pay to see that, actually. ”