Aure Entuluva

Yet they don't want me and two weeks later their add for urgent employees is still up.

At my last job they were always so positive about me and I was the last employee fired before they closed.

I wonder what's wrong with me that they don't want me.

Counts for all 43 jobs I've been rejected for recently.. everytime the job seems great for me but i'm never good enough to even get an interview.

Somehow I thought finding a new job would be just as easy. It's not.

Last time I managed to send one application, got an email inviting me to an interview and got the job right away, started the same week. But only after a traumatic experience when my mom dragged me to a therapist. Because i needed one but didn't dare to go myself. The intake interview scared me so much that it became the bigger evil. I suppose it worked, but i also swore to never ever ever ask professional help again. Even though I kinda still need it.

The thought of going back to therapy now scares me so much that I did manage to sent multiple applications, but this time it's not so easy.

Most adds are through agencies and they insist on calling me. I didn't dare to pick up. A weird issue i have with phones, I'm fine if they just invite me for an interview through message. Then they ask me to call back. I haven't. I freaked out. It only got worse so after diner I went to bed where I can hide and be emotional in solitude.

Now I've been crying for an hour because of how hopeless I am.

And I think I hurt my mom by not wanting to chat with her, but everything seems so meaningless when my head is exploding with worry. And if I tell her about it she will worry too and then I'll be comforting her while I need her to comfort me. She can't help it. I don't blame her but it means I can't share my problems with her. My dad with simply say that I'm stupid, I doubt he understands how sincere my anxiety is, but I'm not a loser by choice mind you. It's not like I'm not trying, but I'm still failing even after 30 years. My sisters I think would understand but get uncomfortable when I talk about it and I have no friends left.

But then what? How can I live if I can't get over my fear.. In this bedroom, I'm don't dare to live because I'm never alone. But to find a place of my own I would have to contact people. After 7 years of trying that, I have yet to succeed.

Once upon a time I believed that everything would be alright in the end, but now i fear my luck has run out. That's ok, I don't deserve any more of it anyway. Like everyone else I must work to get what I want.

How do I do that if I'm too scared to contact people? Get over your fear they say. It's just this one step you need to get over. How can that one step be so difficult, when it seems so easy for everyone else? They are scared too but they are brave enough to ge through. Why can't I be brave?

I can't live if i can't contact people and i can't get over my anxiety. At 30 i think it's fair to say that i will never get over this paralysing fear. That means i can't get buy/rent a house or contact authorities when i need something. I don't even go to a dentist because they require a phonecall to make an appointment. I fear the day i ever need a doctor or call the emergency number. By now it is clear that i won't be able to.

The only thing that would help me now is that someone does these things for me. The few times i suggested that everyone thought it was ridiculous that i would ask such a thing. My family doesn't want to hear about it anymore and i don't want to bother them, but at this point i can no longer pretend to be happy. Because I'm not and i don't think I've ever been.

I know that it's hard to understand my anxiety. It's very selective and irrational. That's the one thing i have learned. Don't try to understand fear, it makes no sense and doesn't listen to reason or logic. Not even my therapists understood after seeing me for a year 4 days a week. Therapy helped me to feel more positive, made me try again and again, but my anxiety never got one bit easier.

Medication keeps me subdued most of the time, but i forget to take them sometimes and then i lose myself in sorrow.

I should have killed myself before i hit 20.

Of course then i would have never known i was right to do so and I would forever wonder what if.

But the few happy moments are not worth all suffering. And it does no get better. If anything it only gets worse.

Don't even start about a social life. It sounds nice when i read about it, but in reality it never feels the way anyone describes it. All i feel is anxiety, discomfort and a great sence of limitations because i can't be real around people.

I hate things the way they are..

I don't even enjoy anything anymore. Literally the only thing keeping me from suicide is the thought of my mom, who does not deserve to lose her daughter, and my sisters who don't deserve to lose their sister.

It's not even specifically me, because I'm not that great for them, but I know they will be more upset when I leave then when I stay. I can't stand that thought. My mom will blame herself, I just know that. She just doesn't deserve to feel that way.

My sisters would probably react the same way I would react if one of them killed themselves and I just can't do that to them.

So I'll suffer on 😟

Basically I wish to not feel so awful around people. So that I could enjoy company as much as other people do.

It seems so amazing, yet when I do it I only feel scared and awkward.

I feel so lonely, but I can't stand having company..

Like, I've always been self destructive, but it still hits me at random times, that in order to protect myself from loneliness, I pushed everyone away and imagined living in a fantasy world with fictional characters, because it's easier than dealing with real people.

Or maybe, I'm jut a careless bitch who doesn't actually feel any affection for anyone and therefore easily forgets them and yet always misses them, while the only they aren't here is because I (not always consciously) pushed them away or sometimes unknowingly ran away or subconsciously sabotaging yourself.

Feeling lonely while not being comfortable aroud people.. sounds funny, but it's not. It makes it impossible to be happy. Can't live with them, can't live without them, results in neglating life and living in a fantasy.

ALABAMA: Hell's Gate Bridge

The generally accepted story of Hell's Gate Bridge starts in the 1950s. A young couple driving over the bridge somehow drove their car off the bridge one night and both drowned.

There are two legends associated with Hell's Gate Bridge - one, that if you drive your car out to the middle of the bridge and turn off the lights, the couple will magically appear in your car and leave a wet spot on the seat. The other, which is how the bridge got its name, is the belief that if you drive over the bridge and look over your shoulder halfway through, the scenery behind you turns into a portal to hell engulfed in flames.

Potentially to curb ghost hunters and bored teenagers, Hell's Gate Bridge is closed to cars, and in such disrepair that walking across is strongly discouraged.

The creepiest urban legend from every state: 

:’) 

The human mind is such an incredible thing.