Dispatch and Alacrity

the butter knife of life has been scraping me over a burnt ass bagel lately.

Look if I ever become a mad scientist and I ever accidentally make a sapient being in my lab, I'd be a mom. That's just how it works. By law.

before we go inside i have something i need to tell you. dont try to lie inside my house. i know its an annoying rule but i need you to promise to take it seriously. there are truth shrews in the walls and if you fib even a little bit they will chew through the electricals in retaliation and its fucking expensive to replace. metaphors are okay but i need you to swear that everything you say from the moment you set through that door will have an essential sincerity to it or the shrews will fuck me over. call an exterminator? no can do, truth shrews are a protected species in this neck of the woods. plus i introduced them myself. to take care of the deceit spiders, you see

when its getting bad again but you can‘t talk to anybody about it so you lowkey just sit there and let your thoughts consume you

Among the sizeable portion of humanity who would believe the Eridian footage to be faked, I wonder if “yeah, and Dr. Grace went to live on Erid in a beautiful biodome” becomes the new “we sent your dog to live on a farm upstate”

if your animal is lying on the floor, furniture etc, it’s important to take a picture of them. then, if they move or shift in any way, it’s important to take another picture. with this technique, you can take many pictures of your animal

I can’t be the only person who’s ever wanted to film myself sleeping to see if I do anything weird