"Dreams getting worse. Usually in nightmares you see what you're scared of."
The past few weeks with this novel has caused me some trouble, especially at night. In regards to Johnny's quote about nightmares, I want to share my troubles.
It started last week. Shortly after beginning this project, once I had to really figure out what was going on. It was little things at first. I would feel claustrophobic in my own shower, feeling like the curtain was going to wrap around me any second. The shower felt too small. Then it became bigger. I would get up in the middle of the night, walk down the hall, and have to run back to my bed, simply because the dark hallway terrified me. If I left my closet door open, I would stare at it until I fell asleep, making sure it was safe. One night, I dreamed about nothing. Just darkness. Then, a voice called out to me, "I'm coming to get you." I woke with a jolt. After, it just became hard to sleep at night. One night, in the comfort of my boyfriend's arms, where I never have nightmares, another one came.
We both work together in an assisted/independent living home. We had work the next morning, so naturally my nightmare took place here. It was the same building, only the dining room was bigger (we serve the residents), but the sections were still spread out the same. I went out into the dining room ,seeing my section filled. The only problem was the tables were filled, yet there were residents in wheel chairs not at any tables. I walked up to one of them, a resident I haven't seen in months who wasn't in a wheelchair last time I saw her. She looked up at me, and her eyes caught my attention. They were bigger than normal, and they were looking in different directions. I immediately walk away, but another resident, again one I haven't seen in months, stopped me, her dementia had completely taken over her mind. I went and found a CNA and told them they could not leave residents just sitting wherever, they had to go to a table. Confused, she asked what I was talking about. I repeated myself, but she was still confused. I took her into the dining room to show her, but it was completely empty.
The worst part, it took me halfway through serving these residents breakfast to remember this dream. It hit all at once.
Sunday morning, my favorite resident passed away. I can barely open this book without being scared of more death, more puzzles. This has all become too much.
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