Caitriona Byrne

“Ah yeah, turns out I can look human when I ain’t piss drunk or beaten to all hell.” Leland replied back, he was looking and feeling rather fresh, though it may have also been because this weekend would spell a return to fighting if all was well. He could finally let the demons ghosting his knuckles out and released. A waiter floated over to take their orders, Leland ordering the vegan option on the menu and a bottle of wine for the both of them. He made sure it was a decent brand as well, having been single most of his life, money wasn’t entirely an issue.

He tilted his head to the side at the notion of Cait ‘disappearing’. It spoke to some sort of relation between them, some idea that there was an unspoken tether connecting the two of them. The question was, did she see it that way and if so, what exactly was the nature of that ribbon? “Is that because you wanted to stick around grumpy ‘ole me?”

“Well that means atleast I’m gettin’ some of your heart?” Leland replied, his eye brow bouncing in challenge, before he let out a small laugh and leaned forward, the two of them looking like dogs inspecting each other.

Her second question made him pause, and he rested his chin on his palm, knuckles gently wrapping the desk. He wore as always, his class ring, the metal bouncing up and down upon the wood. “Well, a good piece deserves to be rewarded. Gotta say I didn’t expect you to have such a good way with words.”

“Plus it’s a while since I’ve been in a news, so I guess I’m celebrating that too. Anyway a phone call doesn’t come with company and wine, so maybe I just wanted someone around to share the moment with. Why? You don’t wanna be here?”

Cait smiled at the waiter and ordered the vieja ropa before turning her attention back to her companion. Leland certainly wasn’t pulling any punches with his questions. Something in her told her that she should have expected this by accepting the invitation. “If I recall correctly, last time we met, grumpy ole you sent me on a guilt trip. Something about how I’d disappear and go back about my life once I had what I wanted?”

She paused as The waiter returned with the bottle of wine and poured the two of them glasses. “Rest assured that I’m not only here to spite you and prove you wrong.” She still found him oddly charming in his own way and she still liked him, though in what way she couldn’t say.

Cait gave an incredulous laugh at the audacity of his next question. “Is this your way of saying you want some of my heart?” She tilted her head at him, realizing that this was some sort of game or test or something. For being a man who could be incredibly straightforward, he also knew how to twist simple into something different. “That was a lovely rose you sent me by the way. Thank you.” A reminder that he wasn’t entirely innocent in this, whatever it was.

“I find that it’s much easier to be eloquent when you have the time and ability to write and rewrite everything. But thank you for implying you don’t think I’m very good with words,” she chuckled, not at all offended by the implication. She knew that she’d wound up rambling quite a bit around him. She couldn’t blame him for thinking the way he did.

“Not at all, I’m happy to be the person you choose to celebrate with. If I didn’t want to be here, I wouldn’t be here, would I?” She took a sip of wine, not minding coming forward with that much. He could make of it what he wanted.

“Gotta keep remembrance and all that.” Leland murmured, the smile that graced his lips surprisingly soft. Other than his usual hat, he was dressed rather primly. It wasn’t actually unusual, he always wore a sports coat, shirt and tie to work, so this was just an extension of that. He looked every part the deputy from Texas and was already getting looks. Not that he ever paid any mind. Instead his gaze was focused solely on Cait, gazing over her clothing. She’d clearly taken the invite seriously, not that he was really sure what he was inviting her for. A talk he supposed.

He let her say her piece before calling the waiter to bring another glass of water and some menus. Amusement danced in his eyes and he leaned back on his chair, continuing to embody his roots. His voice drawled with that Texan twang, though thankfully he was clearly completely sober for once. “You don’t have to be sorry. We all got our burdens.”

“Are you now? And why’s that?” He leaned forward, raising a brow in challenge. After all, while she’d admitted he was attractive, that definitely didn’t spell necessarily wanting to have a meal with him or in fact to seen him at all. After all it would have been very easy to simply have just left things as they were.

“I figured I should do the right thing and congratulate the writer on her piece. Plus you said your heart goes out to me so.” He chuckled at the last part, clearly just poking a little fun.

“You look better.” Her eyes swept over him. To be fair, that wasn’t saying much considering she’d only seen him after a fight or considerably drunk, but she did think he looked nice. He stood out like a sore thumb in the restaurant, but somehow that didn’t seem too out of place for him. It made her feel a little better about the slightly more than casual dress she’d shown up in. She couldn’t even say why she’d put that much effort into the dinner. She couldn’t even say for sure what the dinner was. She knew what it had looked like at the invitation, but Leland didn’t seem like the kind of guy that did dates, and she shouldn’t be going on dates with a guy like him to begin with. They couldn’t lead anywhere in the end.

A light blush colored her cheeks at his question, and she moved to take her seat to buy herself a few extra seconds to think. Of course the first thing her mind would go to as a reason was that kiss, but she didn’t want him to think that was the only reason. It wasn’t. “I suppose I’ve been meaning to call you, see how you were doing, but I never got the chance. I didn’t want you to think I was going to disappear on you.”

At Leland’s chosen wording, Cait knew he was poking fun at her. It was the excuse she’d given for walking out of their last encounter after all. She chuckled lightly and shook her head, “If I recall correctly, I think I said ‘my heart goes out to those men.’ I didn’t say anything specific about it going out to the fighter Dallas.”

A week went by, a week without a fight but also without booze. When Leland had awoke after his night of drunken parlay, the headache was one thing but the sick feeling that rolled in his stomach was far worse. He ended up emptying his guts for three days straight as his liver fought back and his life long illnesses urged him to stop ignoring them. Instead he spent long days thinking, which as dull as it seemed, it was refreshing. When cases came to his table, he trailed them with a new found energy, a frustration that wanted to get out and helped keep his legs going. It helped too that a couple of warrants had decided to make a run for it, and he got his knuckles wet anyway trying to arrest them.

The picture frame still haunted him however, and Leland spent as much time out of the house as he could, even if it meant sipping water at a bar. Something wouldn’t stop leaving his mind however, beyond the usual guilt. A certain kiss with a particular redheaded mess that he still couldn’t wrap his head around. Now that he was sober, the article felt a little more daunting, but he trusted she wasn’t stupid enough to put his name in it for real. Still, his story would be out there for people to read, and it was strangely like opening his chest up for examination. 

It should have been no surprise when Leland walked past a news stand in the early morning and spotted it on the front page of a local paper. 

The New Fight Club?  Inside Chicago’s underground fighting rings By Caitriona Byrne

He bought a copy of course, flicking through it. It was a Saturday and he had the day off, which meant he had plenty of time to mull over what she’d written about him. Leland wasn’t sure what he was expecting, but he doubted it’d be flattering considering all he’d done was getting beaten up and drunk around her.

…There are of course the kinds of people you’d expect to see there, adrenaline junkies, men looking to prove a point or boost their egos, but there are also men who are there for entirely different reasons. Men who have witnessed or been part of traumatic events looking for a way to cope with all that life has thrown at them.

These men, some of whom I had the honor of sitting down with, see it as their only option. The only release that makes life a little more bearable. The people that take part in this sport aren’t simply sadists or masochists, they all have reasons to fight whether it’s to find a way to cope with the past or to feel something again. 

The question then becomes whether illegal fighting is a blessing to these men or a curse that takes everything they have left to give without giving anything back. My heart goes out to those men. I can only hope they find what they’re looking for.

Leland smirked to himself softly. A blessing or a curse. It was spur of the moment, but he wasn’t the kind to resort to texting for communication. At first he figured that she was truly done with him after the kiss, and now the paper was out it was less likely he would see her again. He was fine with that, but he was curious how much she would stick true to her claim that she didn’t want him just for the story.

It didn’t take long to link her name to a business address, and so Leland hatched his little message. It was simple, he left a copy of the paper and a single rose in her PO Box, his cursive writing scratching an invite on the top of the newspaper.

90 Miles Cafe,  2540 W Armitage Ave. 8pm

Now it was her move. Leland waited just before the set time, sipping on water as he watched the cafe’s entrance. It was a Cuban joint, with easy food and close to his place. They offered vegan food which is really all he could ask for nowadays.

She’d be lying if she said she hadn’t thought about that kiss though, as fleeting as it was. It was stupid really, the amount of times she let her mind wader to it when she’d done more with other men. It was like high school all over again. More than the kiss though, she felt guilty for not reaching out. She’d told him specifically that she wasn’t interested in him just for his story, and here she was one week later, not having contacted him.

But what would she say? They story was over and she couldn’t hide behind the excuse that he was part of her job to resist letting him closer. She didn’t do this often, carry on relationships built through the job into her social life. She didn’t have much of a social life to begin with. As it turned out, the answer was decided for her when she dropped by her PO Box to find an invitation and a rose. The cursive writing and the fact that it was scrawled on her article left little question as to who the invitation was from.

As short notice as it was, Cait made plans for McKenna to stay with her uncle for the night. There was no way she wouldn’t be showing up. It wasn’t a fancy restaurant by any means, but she did put in the effort to look nice. She arrived right on time, and with the signature hat, it wasn’t hard to find Leland in the crowd at all.

“I guess you really do wear that thing everywhere except the club,” she commented as she approached him with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. I should have called you sooner. Life’s been busy lately.”

Leland’s smile fell for a fraction and he finally drew back to give her a little space. His dark eyes settled though he still wasn’t entirely sure what was holding Cait back. Perhaps that’s why he was always drawn to her, she dumbfounded him even when he always use to know the solution and not even his detective skills could helped him now. Not that the hammering hangover that was approaching helped. “I think I ain’t the only one who makes themselves do things to punish themselves.”

“But don’t lemme stop you doin’ what you think is right.” He gave a small chuckle, the sound rolling and hoarse, like an old country singer. His hand came up and brushed a hair off her cheek, fingertips falling to trace her bare shoulder and arms. The fact he knew she liked the kiss didn’t really help to let her go, but Leland had taken alot of courage just to let her in, he wasn’t the kind to force his company on someone. Before Cait, he had rarely ever even pursued a woman quite like this. 

“I’ll be here if you change your mind and….good luck with the article.”

Cait could see the disappointment in his eyes, but as he moved away to give her a little space, she could finally think clearly again. At his words, she could only offer an apologetic smile. “It’s…complicated.” She wouldn’t call it a punishment so much as precaution on her part, though at the moment she didn’t completely know what the precaution was against. There was nothing wrong with a kiss or more. It was just a fling, and here she was using every excuse imaginable to convince herself not to do it. She supposed she’d rather be too safe than too reckless again when it came to dealing with men.

She smiled softly up at him as his fingers lingered on her skin. Even now, it would be so easy to change her mind. Instead of giving in completely, she rose to her toes and pressed a lingering kiss to his cheek. “I’ll see you around, Leland. Thank you for…everything.” Before she could second guess her decision, she turned and placed her hand on the doorknob.

Leland gazed down a moment as Cait word vomited again. It was kinda cute, in the way that she was so nervous about his feelings in all this regard. Sure tensions were high, but if anything, this was a way to make him relax rather than some form of emotional abuse. Still, most women thought of him as a tough guy and as such, he was never really in a position when someone thought that his soft senses needed tending to. Once she was done he brought his smile and gaze up to hers. It was hard to hold back the laugh when she called him a ‘bad boy’. He found her difficulties endearing, it was refreshing. “I ain’t gonna deny that you seem like a bit of a fixer.”

“But if I remember the past minute currently, it was me that kissed you, not the other way around. Duun’t that mean that it was me lookin’ for you?” He meant more in a looking for a connection sense than anything deeper than that, but in the moment, he figured he would couldn’t quite muddle his words as badly as Cait had any how.

“If you want the truth Cait, I’ve been wantin’ to kiss you for a while, just couldn’t hold back this time.”

In the moment, there seemed to be little worse than muddling everything up and knowing she was doing it as she did it. Cait still didn’t know if she had actually managed to articulate her thought process to him fully. At least Leland wasn’t taking it too badly. If anything, she was surprised her rambling hadn’t managed to ruin the mood entirely. She wasn’t usually this bad. She almost wished it had ruined the mood. It would make this decision easier, but for all his protestations, she still couldn’t shake the thought that she’d somehow feel like she was taking advantage of his more vulnerable state.

Finally, she let her eyes rise to meet his again. “It’s the reason that you couldn’t hold back that’s got me thinking I should go.” Which she also felt a bit bad about because she’d just made a fuss over staying. Maybe he was right. Maybe she was a fixer. “I…” her gaze flickered to his lips on last time and she shook her head. She couldn’t let herself get sucked in like that. She had to do the right thing even if she’d love to just give in for a night. “I should go. Yeah. That’s the right thing to do.”

For a moment, Leland thought he might enjoy the kiss for longer than predicted, his cheek leaning into her warm hand on his cheek. But like a candle’s that wick had ended, it came to a sudden stop, though he didn’t push against her attempt to create some space. He simply smiled almost gently his gaze still flickering faintly on her lips as he listened her babbling words.

He offered a soft chuckle, leaning half on the door as he considered Cait. There was something quite funny about being called not just attractive but very attractive. After all, he wasn’t exactly young anymore, and the gray streaks in his hair was obvious to anyone who cared to looked. Not to mention, he found her rather enticingly beautiful too. It was no doubt part of why he was so willing to keep her close to him. The greatest curse of men was women. “I know it’s what you weren’t aimin’ for darlin’, I just….couldn’t resist.”

“What’s this wrong idea I’m gettin’ and what’s the right one meant to be?” Leland whispered the words, their lips still not much further away, and though he wasn’t touching her, there was a clear air between two of them anyway.

“You may think I’m emotional, but if there was one thing I ain’t, it’s a man of whimsy.”

Despite her excuses and all the reasons she shouldn’t give in to the desire to kiss him again, Cait found her eyes wandering to rest on Leland’s lips, her blush from before still as present as ever. God, it was so hard to think when he was right there. She was beginning to think that when she’d told him she was rusty, that had been an understatement. Of course she’d been with men since McKenna, however briefly, but they usually weren’t these drawn out affairs. It was usually meeting a nice guy on her night off and going back to his place to have some fun all in the same night. She didn’t usually take the time to get to know them or ever care about their emotional state.

Meanwhile, Leland’s lips were right there and all she’d have to do was lean forward just a little… “I don’t…I don’t…” her gaze fell from his lips to her own hand that still rested on his chest. Maybe it would be easier to think straight if she wasn’t so distracted. “I don’t want you to somehow muddle everything I said earlier with this. That was true.” When she said she thought they could get along, she hadn’t meant in the biblical sense, she’d meant as people. “And I don’t want you to think I’m one of those women who look for people to fix and get turned on by…” Her free hand floundered in the air, trying to pull out a less silly sounding phrase, but finally she gave up and ended on “…bad boys.” If she kept going like this, she’d probably talk him out of it just for being too ridiculous to deal with.

Leland was quiet as Cait gave her truth. He couldn’t say he was entirely surprised, he had his own suspicions. In some ways it was disappointing, but on the other hands he could finally stop being paranoid about her reason for hanging around him, after all it all made sense now. Still he listened until she was done, smiling softer than he had ever shown once she took her breath. He could tell it had been weighing on her mind. Eventually he rasped a low, quiet reply. “I like talkin’ to you too.”

Now there was a pickle. The pickle being was that he was hovering close to her, and quickly getting more and more sober, meaning it wasn’t lost on him that he found her attractive. The dress, the done up hair, the faint perfume that whiffed between the scent of his booze. There was one thing clear in his mind right now, beyond the idea he was a good man or had bad habits, and that was that he really wanted to kiss her.

Leland wasn’t a great man at hesitating either. He leaned forward, sparing her only one word. “I ain’t doin’ this cause of booze.”

It felt good to come clean. Cait wasn’t the sort of person that did well with falsehoods. Maybe she was too naive but for all she’d been through, for all the caution Thomas had instilled in her, she still believed in the goodness of humans and so it didn’t feel right to lie to anyone right off the bat. She was so caught up in her confession and the expectation that Leland would be less that thrilled with her lies that it was only when she stopped to breath that she saw the expression on his face. Rather than annoyance or disappointment there was a smile, surprisingly soft and gentle for a man with such a gruff demeanor.

At the low sound of his voice, a light blush coated Cait’s cheeks and she averted her gaze. The low rumble of his voice was probably the last thing she should be thinking about at the moment. Though she wasn’t looking, she could feel Leland move closer, and by the time her gaze rose at his words, his lips were on hers.

For the first few seconds, all she could manage was to react. The split second of shock followed by a second of relaxing into the kiss. Her hand rose to cradle his cheek, maybe to pull him closer. There was no denying a certain spark between them, but their stolen seconds were up and Cait’s mind went into overdrive.

Her hand fell from his face to his chest, applying a light pressure as she broke the kiss before things could go any further. “I...you…” her tongue wet her lips as she looked at him, still so close. “Um,” she closed her eyes for a moment, trying to collect her thoughts as they spilled out. “You may not have done it because of the booze, but you’re emotional and they’re both affecting your decisions, and this is...this isn’t what I was aiming for when I offered to stay…”

Leland wasn’t sure what triggered him. Normally he would have just let her go, she wouldn’t be the last woman and she certainly wasn’t the first. Yet somehow, there was just something in her look, that made him cross that distance between us. He was a tall guy, and it didn’t take him long to cross the space between them when she told them his name. His hand rested on the door, keeping it shut as his intense gaze fell on her. “You…are a…you.”

“I don’t wanna keep people…you distant. I…Cait.” The name sounded strange on his tongue, though he wasn’t upset, after all he had kept his own name secret as well. But it was the fact she gave it to him, it made that image in his head break just enough, just enough for him to actually feel like maybe for once in his life he didn’t have to kick himself in the balls. Maybe she really did just enjoy his company.

“Stay, stay and let me understand why you wanna.”

Before Cait could even turn around and put her hand back on the doorknob, Leland was right there, towering over her and looking at her with a steady gaze that didn’t hold quite as much anger as she’d expected considering she’d been prying into his business under the guise of a fake name. His words came out faltered and with little sense, but she got the gist of it. Don’t go.

With nowhere to go, she pressed her back against the door, not to get away from him but more to get a better look at him as she spoke. She couldn’t say what it was that made her want to come clean or why specifically she’d wanted to stay other than she had. Maybe she saw something of herself in him: a lost soul, though she could admit he had it much worse than she ever head.

“I, uh, I’m a journalist,” she cleared her throat. The best place to start was at the beginning right? “And I’m writing an article on illegal fight clubs. Not to close them down or damn them but to understand them and why people go to them. I meant what I said when I said you seemed different than the others. I thought you’d be a good story, not trying to show off or boost your ego like the others.” And she’d talked to some of the others. Some had deeper stories too, but many were just guys looking to hit things. “You stuck. Getting to you started as just a way to get information for the article, but I don’t know, I like talking to you. And I was always going to tell you about the article anyway before writing it because of your story but now we’re here and I don’t know.” She took a deep breath, not sure if anything she’d just said actually answered his question.

“You think ‘cause you know I got shot, that you get it? I didn’t just lose her, I lost my career. I ain’t you, I ain’t got things at home to come back to. No one will let me out of this hole, so why fight it?” Leland was bristling now, she made it sound easy, as if he was just facing a wall and needed to turn around. She didn’t live his life, she didn’t watch as they tore down all his accomplishments and prevent him ever doing more than dirty work. It wasn’t just about the shooting, it was far more. He had been a boy with nothing, fighting to find his place in the world. The Deputy Mashals became that home. He saw partners that he’d been with turn their back as they were strangers and then he was forced from the state that as his life, and put in this foreign land. Filled with people who simply saw the headlines and cared for little else.

He listened, which was something for Leland. He had never been a boy to listen when he was young. Any order you gave him, he was always gunning to ignore and do the opposite. It’s what drove his father to kick him out of the house, what inspired his army commander to make his life hell and what made him a damn good deputy marshal. Once upon a time. But this time he brought his eyes up, staring at hers like a haunted phantom. What did she want from him? “Doesn’t matter if I tried my best. What matters is there is a teenage girl six feet under.”

“Go home.” Leland repeated, letting his hand withdraw. Now it was time to build up those walls, he’d let her in and now he could see in her gaze that she thought she could save him. There was no saving the dead, you just had to let them pass on to the other side. “You don’t have to stay out of some pity, or thinkin’ that you’ve gotta.”

“I think, once you’re done…whatever it is you plan on doin’, you’re gonna go back to your life. It ain’t sayin’ much, it’s what anyone would do.”

Cait listened silently as Leland’s words came down on her. He was right and she knew it. She didn’t know any of what he’d gone through. She didn’t know what he’d lost, what hurdles he’d had to jump over. She still had her daughter. She hadn’t lost anything like that. He had every right to chew her out for what she said. Her words must have sounded so trivial to him. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.” In her attempts to try to give him comfort, she’d only managed to upset him.

She still felt bad for making him bring all this out into the open, but this time, it wasn’t a question on his part. It was an order. He was telling her to go home, and she knew better than to overstay her welcome in someone else’s home. She didn’t know Leland well enough to push her luck and intrude more. “Okay.” He withdrew from her and she stood, taking the piece of pie with her as she moved back to the kitchen. Without a word, she threw the slice in the trash then crossed to the door, only stopping to look at him.

“It’s not pity. That’s not why I would have stayed.” Her eyes swept over him. He was so observant. She hadn’t been able to get away with anything she’d been trying to hide from him. “You know, I think if you weren’t so intent on keeping yourself distant from everyone else, we could have gotten on real well.” She bit her lip, still hesitating at the door before opening her mouth one more time.

“What do you think I’m doin’, this is me ‘enjoyin’’ life.” What else was there to do? Leland lost all his real passions. His work load is not as it use to be, he couldn’t eat the foods he once loved, he couldn’t even enjoy a smoke. Drinking and fighting was the only things he had left, he lived a life without any friends or company and his own mind slowly just degraded the longer it went on. He was sure many people would consider suicide with such a bleak offset, but instead he just pulled his lifeless self along, like a wounded soldier carrying their own limbs across the battlefield.

Leland gazed over to where the frame sat, setting his flask down and getting up to go look at it. He always gave it a stare at the start o the day, because he was not a man to run from his sins. He would stare her directly in the eye, and accept what he had done. Accept that she was dead, and remember the sight of her, beaten and bloody on the coroners table. He tried to see what Diana saw, but all he could remember was that night, and her fearful eyes staring at him, knowing that it was all over. “I ‘suppose not, but I weren’t worthy to be called her family.”

He set it down again, moving back to the sofa. Any sense of that jolly drunken sense was gone, and instead was replaced by the sad realization of why he was doing all of this. That heavy weight returning on his shoulders. He felt her hand on his knee, dark eyes flickering to the pale skin on top of his dark trousers. Leland let her move his flask away and he let it drop, and after a moment, let his own hand rest on hers. His expression was hidden as he stared down, rolling in a deep wave of emotion he always found back to show. The mix of booze, the hangover and the memories were all bringing him to a vulnerability he never would normally allow himself to show.

“It’s alright, I asked for it.” Leland looked up, his brown eyes wavering a little as Diana tried to tell him that he wasn’t at fault, that he did his best. But he knew it wasn’t true. He let his guard down, and got cocky when he should have been focused on his job, rather than his own enjoyment. “If you saw what they did to her, you’d not be sayin’ the same thing.”

He reached up, those rough finger tips brushing across her cheeks, they were sat close, and it was clear from his voice that he wasn’t quite a drunk as he had been on their way to his place. “You got what you wanted now right? You cracked the puzzle.”

“You don’t have to stay unless you wanna, I’m sure I ain’t quite the wreck you want in your life.”

“I think you’re hiding your masochism behind the excuse of enjoying life.” She had no doubt that there was some kind of high he found in fighting similar to the kind that could be found in drinking that he equated to enjoyment, but they both came at a cost. “I think you’re holing yourself away from the world and purposely leaving yourself nothing left but your vices.” It was blunt and to the point, but Leland wasn’t the kind of person who liked minced words, and Cait figured being straightforward would be the best way to get through to him.

The mood quickly plummeted, and Cait could see that happy drunk facade fade away the longer they talked. She could see the exhaustion in the set of his shoulders as he looked at the picture frame. She hadn’t read it so clearly when she’d first met him, but Leland was so clearly a man tired of the world. Of everything in it. It was heartbreaking to watch. All that darkness, all that sadness, the self hate, the weight of it made him seem so much older than he was.

At the weight of his hand on hers, she offered him an empathetic smile. “Look at me.” She waited for his dark, sad eyes to meet her green. She needed him to see that she wasn’t just saying it to try to reassure him or make him feel better. She believed it. “People can only try their best. Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, it will never be good enough, but all you can give is your best.” It was the hard truth, but it was the truth. “I don’t know the specifics, and I won’t ask more than I have, but if you did everything you could, there’s nothing you can hold against yourself.”

The brush of his fingers on her cheek was a surprise. She hadn’t realized when they’d come quite this close, close enough to smell the stench of the alcohol on his breath instead of just on his being. For a brief second, she considered how nice the touch felt. Her brow furrowed at his words though. Did he really think she was so cold? Yes, he’d been a mystery to solve, but he was also a person, and she wouldn’t leave him a mess after being partially responsible for putting him in this state of mind.

“I don’t mind staying until you’re feeling better.” McKenna was staying the night with Cait’s brother, so there was no one to go home to. And besides that, she was worried about what other self-destructive tendencies he’d get up to if she did leave.

Leland, apparently alot more receptive when drunk, took the water and actually drank it, even though he was dreaming it was vodka the whole time. Oh that would hit the spot right now, even with the threat of vomiting, he could do with some more booze. Atleast that way he was fixing the need to punish himself. His eyebrows rose a little at Diana’s speech on taking care of himself, laughing slightly into his cup. “Darlin’, I’m already run into the ground, I’m aimin’ even lower. Maybe I’ll give the devil a little visit.”

He laughed at his own joke, but it was a little hollow, a little too true. He normally didn’t self harm quite this much, or drank this much, but without Smokey’s, he was left with little else to keep his mind off the memories. He wanted to curl up and feel that pain, drive away the guilt, feed the monster in him that just wanted to eat itself alive rather than keep going.

Now Leland knew he was inviting trouble when he let her ask questions, but he was hammered, she was pretty and he was tired of seeing the questions in her eyes and not hearing them. She wanted answers and he’d give it, though part of him was sure that once she sucked him dry of answers, she’d never wanna see him again. Still, he didn’t expect her to go straight for the heart, he paused a moment, dark eyes staring her down for a moment before he bit his pride and gave her an answer.

“She ain’t my daughter, I ain’t ever gotten a girl pregnant, knock on wood.” Even as he said it, he could feel her hand in his, he could remember dropping her off to school, going to her parent teacher meeting. Giving her money to hang out with her friends, hell he even chewed out a few boys in the time they were together. She wasn’t his daughter, but he wanted her to be. He loved her as much as any father could, even a fake, government issued one.

“She…I was her guardian. I was meant to take care of her and I..” Leland’s voice cracked then and he cleared his throat. Without even letting Diana stop him, he reached under his sofa mattress and pulled out a flask. He took a deep sip before continuing. It was hard, even drunk, it was god damn fucking hard. 

“I didn’t. Some bad men wanted to do her harm, they shot me, took her and killed her. And that was that. So yeah, maybe she’s why I gotta hard on for hurtin’ myself. Ain’t ever gonna make up for what happened to her though.”

Once again, that inner darkness came out and Cait was left to be stunned by the sheer hopelessness in Leland’s voice. She’d caught a glimpse of it when he’d joked about being a ghost, but this took it so much farther. He wasn’t dead, but he was trying to make his life as miserable as possible while speeding his way to death. “You know there are things to live for right?” If he wanted to end it all, he could have done it by now, but as reckless as he was, he still went on with life. “There’s no shame in enjoying life. Even if it’s without most of the fun stuff.” She gestured at the pie.

Cait had expected a sad story when she’d asked for information, but there was no way she could have guessed all the details. In getting the answer to the questions about the girl, it seemed she also got her answer about his job. Law enforcement of some sort. No wonder he thought himself such a failure. It was one thing to lose someone and quite another to lose someone you had been entrusted to protect.

“She looked like she looked up to you in the picture you’ve got over there.” Cait nodded towards the frame. “You don’t need to be related by blood to be family.” She’d known Leland had cared for the girl very much just from the way he’d talked about her earlier, but there was no doubt in her mind now that he’d loved the girl as a father would. He was too torn up about it for it to just be business. She couldn’t even find it in her to try to take away the flask he pulled out, knowing all the emotions she’d knowingly brought down on him.

Silently, she placed a hand on his knee. A quiet comfort. She didn’t know what else to offer. The other hand came to rest on the arm that held the flask, not holding it down, but just a steady reminder to make him think twice about lifting it to his lips again. “I’m sorry.” Her voice was soft and low. “I shouldn’t have pushed. I shouldn’t have forced you to share that with me.”

“Wise words.” Leland grumbled. He took the hat off fully now, setting it on the tea table and pulling his legs in as she gave him food. He leaned forward a bit feeling the swill of an upset stomach as he did so. He wasn’t weak enough to throw up, but that didn’t mean he didn’t feel it. There was a certain shade of white he turned in moments like this. Instead all he gave was a cough into his fist.

His gaze shifted towards Diana as he moved to pick up the fork and start eating the pie. The pie he should not be eating, considering that he was gluten intolerant now and the crust would have him nursing a pained stomach for the rest of the night. He poked his fork at it a few times, knowing he shouldn’t have bought the damn thing in the first place, but he’d been missing home and it’d smelt good in the store. “I’m gonna be brutally honest, since I can’t seem to stop myself tonight, but I ain’t meant to eat this pie, it ain’t good with my wound and all. You can have it.”

“You can ask me questions. I know you think I’m drunk, and I ain’t quite as on my feet as normal, but I know you wanna ask and you’re gonna get your best answers now. I won’t hold it against you.”

It was quickly becoming apparent that Leland wasn’t feeling too good, and Cait was continually feeling more and more like she was intruding on him than anything else. At the hesitation over the pie, she couldn’t help but frown at the confession. Not because she’d gone to the trouble of getting him food, but because he was so obviously beating himself up in every way he possibly could to replace the ring. She took the pie back and set it down on the table, handing him the water instead. “Drink.”

“Look, it’s really none of my business, but if you know well enough not to eat pie, then maybe you should think about getting rid of all the alcohol too. You’re going to run yourself right into the ground before long if you keep going like this.” Leave it to her to pick out possibly the most troubled person in Smokey’s to find interesting enough for her article.

At the open invitation to ask questions, Cait hesitated. This definitely had to be taking advantage of him even if he’d said it was okay. Would he sober up and be angry with her for asking the next time they saw each other? But there were so many things she wanted to know, and it was the perfect opportunity…

“I might be sayin’ it cause I’m drunk, but it’s what I thought anyway.” Leland murmured, as he walked into his place. Unlike Diana, he didn’t spare anything a glance, instead making a beeline for his old sofa and flopping onto the half-peeled leather. Most people wouldn’t expect the neatness, but the military had bent him in some ways. He spent years day in and day out having to maintain and clean his barracks and the habit never truly left him. Despite his reckless and lazy attitude at times, when he was focused and thinking, Leland was organised and meticulous, just getting his focus was the trouble.

He tilted his hat over his face, kicking his feat up on his small coffee table as Diana went around. He waved off both her questions with a small grunt, about as much as he could offer as a yes. He was still drunk, but the headache was certainly starting to come on. 

At the mention of food, he poked his hat up slightly offering a bleary eye and a yawn. “There’s some left over pie in the fridge, and some chinese I think. I ain’t really much a chef.”

Cait took the grunts for what they were and made herself at home in his kitchen figuring out where everything was. She’d always been a fairly nurturing person even before she’d had McKenna, and now that she was here, it just didn’t seem right to walk out and leave him miserable like that.

True to his word, his ref refrigerator was practically barren. It only reinforced Cait’s belief that Leland didn’t take very good care of himself. It was probably a miracle he was as healthy as he was, though she wondered if he took better care of himself when he was able to fight. After poking around a little more, Cait brought over a glass of water and a plate of pie for him to eat. “I’m thinking maybe you should give the booze a rest for the rest of the night, hmm?” She took a seat next to him and set everything down on the coffee table.

It was at this point that she began to feel a little awkward in the apartment. Leland was very clearly not up to playing host, and she’d done the responsible thing. Even if he’d said she could come up, she felt out of place. Then again, with the state she’d found him in, he’d probably wanted the company. He’d only just mentioned how much being alone could wear a person down.

“You’re a real bad liar, you know that? Don’t worry, I ain’t gonna pry.”

Leland wasn’t the kind of man to push. It was clear from her rather humorous response that he had struck gold, but a good gentleman that still lingered in him wasn’t one to rub it in. Even if you could read people well, it was abusive to keep digging into them. Everyone deserved some privacy, and red lines to not cross. “First, I would certainly not consider a date with you settling. it’s be more like a steal. Second, I’m sayin’ I can’t get younger cause I can’t, got too many greys goin’”

Normally he wouldn’t take the help, but drunk and unsteady on his feet, Leland was more willing. He let her unlock the door, half stumbling in and holding the frame to keep himself up. He hiccuped gently, the sound surprisingly human and innocent coming from Leland. “Thanks.”

“Nah, come in, I’ll get ya a drink. More drinks for everyone!”

The awkward smile died and Cait couldn’t stop herself from worrying her lip nervously when he called her out on being a bad liar. Whether he was going to pry or not, he knew now without a doubt that there was something she was hiding, and that made her nervous.

“You’re just saying that because you’re drunk and I’ve just walked you home,” she brushed off the compliment and hesitated in the door when he invited her in. She didn’t feel like she was in danger, and he was far too drunk to consider doing anything other than passing out, but it almost felt like an invasion of privacy to come in when he couldn’t make rational decisions. At the mention of more drinks though, the decision was made, and she stepped in, closing the door behind her.

“Maybe we should get you some water instead, huh?” Compared to the outside, the inside was surprisingly clean. Well kept even, though the air was musty and there looked to be quite the array of drinks. She’d been joking before, but now she wondered if he had a bit of an alcohol problem. “Do you mind if I open a window?” The fresh air might help however slightly, in sobering him up. Already, she was crossing to the nearest window when something stopped her. Sitting on a counter next to his stash of alcohol was a picture of Leland with a young redheaded girl still in the midst of her teens.

She only stared for a moment before averting her gaze and going back to her task of opening a window. Leland and the girl had looked so happy in the picture, she’d felt like she was intruding on a precious memory.

“Maybe I’m just a ghost eh?” Leland replied with a chuckle. It was a joke, but rang with a hollow truth. After all, he had died inside that day, and really was just a husk of his old self. Once a man existed that was cocky, filled with energy and more charming. He patted his stomach lightly, still remembering when that very touch would cause amazing amounts of pain. “Well I’m a man full of surprises.”

“That cause you ain’t really alone. I noticed it before. Y’all always looking like you’ve got somewhere to be, something to go back to. You learn to notice fear in people’s eyes, or maybe I look at too many people.” Now ordinarily Leland wouldn’t just spill his observations, but rum was a powerful talker. It was true either way, when you were a cop for as long as he was, you learnt to read people. You could sense things with instinct that could help with how to approach a subject or deal with them. It wasn’t always correct, but that was why you went to find evidence to back it up. 

“I ain’t that much older than ya you know, and I couldn’t find a younger fish if I wanted one, so we exist.” The deputy murmured, before coming to a sudden stop, he slipped away from Diana, stumbling over to a door. It was to his apartment. It basically shouted out grim without saying as much. It sat above a two-bit Chinese takeout and had the sort of door you could imagine had been bashed in by cops multiple times. It was a craphole, but it was home.

“This is me.” He knocked on the door with a laugh, ignoring Diana’s further mentions of his former charge. He didn’t want to talk about that. He reached into his pocket to pull out his keys, but of course dropped them on the floor.

“Gosh darnit, where did they drop..”

“I don’t know, you feel pretty solid to me.” Cait gave Leland’s waist a light squeeze where she was still holding him up. It was nothing more than a reminder that he was there. He was alive. He really was a man with a lot of darkness hanging over him. Cait didn’t want to say she pitied him. That felt too gross a word, but she did feel for him. She could tell he was stuck in whatever dark tunnel he’d dug for himself. “You’d have to be pretty resilient to last as long in the ring as you do every week.”

In the realm of things Cait expected from tonight, being faced with this examination wasn’t on the list. She stiffened involuntarily at the observation. Yes, his words were vague, but that didn’t register. All that registered was that he was seeing through her into the life that she was trying to hide from him. “I don’t…what to you mean? I don’t know what you mean.” A nervous smile made it’s way to her face in an attempt to act natural, but it was anything but. She’d never been the best at lying.

“Are you saying you’d only settle for me just because you couldn’t get younger if you wanted to?” She joked, trying to use it to distract from the earlier topic of just how alone she may or may not be. She was so caught up in her own head, that she only just noticed Leland stop and slip away from her grasp to a shady looking door. Cait’s brow furrowed in confusion, but she couldn’t say she was surprised he’d let himself live somewhere like this. He reeked with self-loathing.

She was just debating whether she should say goodnight and go on her way or not when it became very apparent that if she left him here, he probably wouldn’t make it through the door or up the stairs on his own. “Let me help you.” She reached down to where the keys had fallen and stood to unlock the door for him.

“I fought the law and the won.” Leland sang in his deep rolling voice, laughing to himself. Of course it was a joke, but he was drunk and he could barely keep this thoughts straight, let along give serious thought about the origin of the wound, especially when the reason was the exact thing that was causing him to drink so hard. Even his hazy cause could see her shock and he sniffed softly in the cold air. “Nasty thing isn’t it? Ain’t nice to touch.”

He hummed to himself as they walked, getting closer to his place in Logan square. He had to say he knew what it was like, despite his drunken outbursts (likely to be regretted), Leland was not a trusting sort of guy. After all, when you’ve been nearly killed by a Mafia boss that knows you’re still alive and all your comrades abandoned you in your time of need, it didn’t leave much space in your heart for being open. For a small moment in the twilight, his dark eyes gazed at her in the moonlight and there was a flash of earnest care. “Just don’t stay rusty forever, ain’t nothing quite like being a lone ranger. I wouldn’t recommend it.”

Leland dunked his head to let her place the hat back on, letting out a soft breath, his eyes fluttered shut at the feeling of the wool against his hair. He could mistake those fingers for someone else’s and his hand shook.

“You’ll be a real cowboy now, no one messes with a man that can wear a hat.”

“If you say so, kid.”

“Love? I guess you could call it that.” She had given him something he never knew he wanted. A family, a place to call his home. A reason to fight and work when he didn’t know he needed one. But more than that, she needed him, and he had pledged to keep her safe. A pledge he failed. “It didn’t do her any good though.”

Cait rose a brow at the singing, musing again on just how wasted Leland was. No doubt he’d have a hell of a hangover the next morning. Either way, she wouldn’t be getting a lot of answers tonight. “It’s…” she wouldn’t call it nasty, but it was definitely shocking. “I have to admit, I’m…I didn’t expect it. I’m surprised you’re still alive. It felt like it did a lot of damage,” she answered honestly. She hoped she didn’t somehow react as if she was repulsed by it. That wasn’t the case. She’d just been taken aback.

“I don’t know, it’s not so bad. Being alone.” Alone in the sense that she was single and unattached. She could never really be along with her daughter. Of course there were times she wished she had more interaction with adults her age, and of course it could be hard to see families with kids all the time dropping McKenna off and picking her up from various activities, but there were great things about being just the two of them. Maybe she used her daughter and her work as an excuse not to get back out there all the way, but she was happy with the way her life was.Why mess with a good thing? “Besides, I think most guys who are my age have already settled, aren’t looking, or are looking for younger fish.” Certainly fish that came with a lot less baggage.