♡∞:｡angel dust｡:∞♡

i don't have the will to keep on living . i'm not even sure what i'm holding out for anymore . the only times im ever really happy are the few moments i get to spend with my boyfriend . i'm not sure how to find joy or purpose in life anymore . i don't like the life i'm living but i've tried changing it . that didn't help . i still feel the same, maybe even worse . i constantly feel like my mental health is so bad that i should be in inpatient . i don't even want to actually die i'm just so tired of feeling this way . i just want to be happy .

my clown ass 🤡: yeah ahahaha definitely wouldn't want that....

𝘁𝗼𝘁𝗮𝗹: 𝟭,𝟭𝟭𝟲

ah the one place i can come to and thought dump without my friends or boyfriend seeing . so my boyfriend tried to commit suicide while i was asleep last night, he’s okay now, thank the fucking stars . i cried a lot, now i’m just having my morning coffee and reflecting while he sleeps i guess . it’s scary to love someone so much y’know . i guess it’s like that one song, “and i find it bittersweet, cause you gave me something to lose” i try to keep it to myself, i dont want to be that manipulative boyfriend who puts so much pressure on his lover, but fuck he’s the biggest reason i’m alive right now . on days when shit gets really bad and all i can think of it how easy it would be to just fall asleep on the train tracks outside, it’s him thag keeps me going . not my best friend, my pets, my plants, nothing . it’s just him . i know i know, i shouldnt rely on someone so fucking much but fuck, what future do i even have that’s worth living if he’s not in it ? if i didn’t have him in my life i wouldn’t even know what to do past next year . i wouldnt have anything to look forward to . no fucking reason to keep existing for myself . selfishly, he’s the only thing . the only thing that gives me hope, happiness . and honestly, i love him too much to leave him behind like that . and honestly i kind of blame myself for it happening . i always stay awake until i know he’s asleep, that way i know he’s safe and sound asleep and wont be needing me . but last night he was singing and i was already so fucking tired, so i just caved in . i figured he’d fall asleep shortly after me since he had expressed how sleepy he was . but it didn’t happen that way . that’s all i really have to say .