still lost

Manila’s own Flatiron Building - El Hogar - in all its rugged glory.

to bury that very self-incriminating post, here’s a few gems I saw while strolling through Escolta, Manila on a hot, sticky weekend. 04-16-18

I’ve been feeling some sort of way ever since I turned 20, like literally on the eve of my birthday. That night I remember getting drunk off my ass and despite throwing a huge party with tons of people invited, I still felt so so so alone after it. That night was one of my lowest points. I was crying uncontrollably and felt so disgusted with myself to the point where I felt the need to hurt myself physically cos I hated who I was. Until now I still don’t understand why I felt/feel that way. I have a loving boyfriend who was on the phone with me during that whole meltdown, I have friends who love me, but I still felt so disgusted, uncontented with who I was at the very core. And I still feel that way to this day. I don’t understand how I can be so at peace with some aspects of my life such as my relationship with my friends and with my partner but somehow I can’t translate that feeling of peace to myself. I’m not sure if I ever will. I don’t really know what this means for me and at this point, I’m too scared to find out. I just don’t know.