Rules, punishments, and rewards in BDSM relationships
Some followers as well as a few others in the BDSM community have asked me a few times about how I come up with rules within my relationships. So I figured I would write some of how the process works for me, as well as some examples of rules. Now please keep in mind that within any relationship, or dynamic the biggest part of all of it is communication. You need to talk with your partner, and together figure out what works for you, and what doesnโt. Rules should be reviewed over time. They can and should be changed if they arenโt working for you. Sometimes they may even be tossed out the window entirely. But all of that needs to be talked about between you and your partner.
So now on to how I do things. When ever I am with a partner and we have gotten to the point of making rules I always try to take a few things into account.
1. What kind of time constraints do they have on their daily lives? I never want to make a rule that will cause more stress, or negatively impact someoneโs day to day life. Do they have a busy work/school schedule? Do they have children? Do they have major recurring appointments?
2. What are the persons hard limits? What are their soft limits? Both of these have to come into play when making rules, you cannot in good faith put someone you care about in a situation that forces them into a scenario that will cause physical or psychological harm.
3. What are the Submissives health constraints, this is both mentally, and physically. Again you cannot ask someone to do advanced calculus if they donโt have that skill set, and you cannot ask someone to kneel if they have a broken leg. Think about not only what their kink limits are, but the health constraints. You are their protector, and guide, and in this you cannot fail them.
1. Goal oriented rules - What are the Submissives goals? And I am not just referring to how they grow as a submissive but as a person. Do they want to loose weight? Do they want to be more proficient with a certain skill or language? Do they want to eat healthier? Examples: Submissive must remember to eat three meals a day, and drink X amount of water. Submissive must work out X amount of times a week. Submissive must read to Dom X times a week.
2. Psychological rules - Are there certain behaviors that you both want to change? Are there certain words or phrases that you both want to put a stop to? Does the Submissive want to be better at speaking in front of others? Does the Submissive want to be better about time management, or staying on top of deadlines? Examples โ Submissive must not say โwhateverโ to Dom, Submissive must read to Dom X times each week, Submissive must share major Deadlines with Dom so that they can help set reminders for them.
3. Finally we get to the kinky rules. Those fun rules like no playing without permission, no orgasms on certain days, no underwear on date nights, etc.
1. Punishments must be agreed upon by both parties. Again you cannot give a punishment that crosses and soft or hard limit.
2. Ignoring your Submissive is not a punishment, and is unacceptable. There are a million other ways to correct someoneโs behavior that does not include ignoring them.
3. The punishment must fit the โcrimeโ If your submissive forgets to say please or thank you, that doesnโt mean you go straight to whipping them. Likewise the punishment needs to take into account the Submissives schedule. Giving them 100 lines to write when they have no time to actually do that only sets them up to fail. And yes I know some people will say โthey need to make the time!โ Guess what, part of your role as their Dom is to take that into account.
Yes folks I do rewards, I have found more often than not encouraging positive behavior, with rewards will go miles farther than a punishment will. Some examples would be if that a Submissive remembers to send me one positive thought they have each day they get a gold star. Now I keep track of the gold stars and the Submissive can then redeem them for special things like trips to build-a-bear, trips to the zoo, special movie nights, etc. Again take into account what your submissive likes, and wants, build your rewards around things that will foster and reinforce positive behavior that can be turned into habit.
