dear diary

today i went to uni on a sunday, the above images act as documentation of the time spent in university toilets at times where i am completely alone in the entire 2nd/3rd year studios. i’m terrified of graduating, everyone is coming up with plans. the other day i cried because i didn’t feel brave enough to cut up a large piece of wood. i acknowledge my patheticness. life is really bad but also kind of okay. i am so used to running away from my emotions now. i went to the cinema alone the other day and then cried at midnight on the riverfront. this was okay because the memory of that was erased the night this week that tori and i spent trying to break into boats at 2am, crawling underneath the metal barriers of a building site and sitting on the diggers. i went home home last week and it felt like christmas, but it wasn’t. it was cold and there were two dead rams in the ditch. it’s rare the rams die. we all went to the woods, it felt odd to share it. a recent note in my journal of something to make is ‘shelter with sausage string’, another says ‘black sheet floor/white figure alone’ you can imagine what these might be. i stole a fruit sticker from the university canteen to stick on my own unstickered fruit that i bought in sainsburys. sainsburys ‘taste the difference’ oranges have more pips than regular. fact. i keep buying food i don’t really enjoy because i think it’s what you should be buying.. i.e oranges.. in winter. i will still be ill. the only food stuff i have enjoyed recently is rice pudding. i like its blandness, stretching a single can out to three meals. it reminds me of a time when i would make flavourless broths to eat whilst watching tudor period dramas. i have got really into the youtube upload of medieval party music. it makes me feel semi alive when writing my brain sapping dissertation. i climbed a fire escape of an old police station. i ran through waterloo station and hit a business man with the flight of my coat. i am desperately creating situations to give me some sense of excitement, an idea, to turn into an obsession, at a time where i actually feel incredibly