🧸

THAT IS NOT FAIR

one thing about me is that ill do it.

when and where did i lost myself? and how do i regain her back?

the world didn’t end when you left,

but what do i write if im not in pain? or longing? or yearning?

it hurts how you don’t linger in my thoughts anymore. I don’t want to forget you, I just want to forget the pain.

my heart is so tired of loving you, but i can’t seem to stop.

why can’t i just say that ‘i loved you’ and ends there. why do i always say ‘i loved you’ and bleed, and ache, and die.

I deserve a better goodbye.

i think, i’ll forever be yours. no matter how hard i try not to be.

and after all this time, i have only been allowed to love.

you’re the biggest lump in my throat, a story im forbidden to tell

wave #1

sometimes i look for comfort in the heavy. i got so used to be weighted down by my grief that in stillness, and quiet, and peace, that i’ll tear myself down just to feel something again. this is not a cry for help, nor another expression of self sabotage, just mere instances where id rather enjoy the unexplainable peace that comes with the saddled moment before dawn than continue to live on with the gentle indifference of the world.

and when the wind bursts with laughter / when the waves start reaching for my feet / when the sun is filled with rays of warmth / when I finally morph into the ashes of my written letters / I hope by then— ill be home again