Buttercup

when people look back at this , they will understand I was never happy and i’ll never be happy

Most days I honestly don’t even see why or how I keep going with a lot of things in life. It’s to the point where i have checked out with this whole life shit I barely know what’s really going on anymore. I’m not even happy for my birthday it’s just another day to me honestly, and i honestly would rather be alone anyway….. i am happy that i have accepted the feeling of being alone it saves me from being used by people i know that don’t care about me. but in reality im just here and i just continue to wish things do get better or i will honestly check myself into a hospital so i can get far away from people

I have gotten to the point in life where i’m just here. i really don’t care to try and be happy i’m honestly just living and whatever happens just take’s place. if i’m happy i’m happy if i’m not i’m just not. i really don’t think it’s anything that can change how i feel. i know atp i’m no longer living for me i’m living for others , and if that’s how the rest of my life will go then so be it. i’m used to being used by people so it is what it is at this point. i’m no longer here to please others or make them happy. i will continue to just be alone stack my money and stay to myself.

so trying to kill myself didn’t work. i tried to pass out behind the wheel. and didn’t work so i broke my razor and i started to cut. this was a feeling I haven’t felt in years and I wont lie that felt so good. I see why I used to cut when I use to get sad. the burning and pulling feeling on my skin feels so good.

i’m ready

i thought i would have a good day, but i guess not

it’s that time for me to go

i just hope the water welcomes me

i am completely numb, and I knew life would get to this point. i hate this I really do but honestly it’s nothing that can change this feeling. I have checked out completely with life.

So now that I have finally moved on from the person i was dealing with for so many years, despite me dealing with others. I can honestly say this shit is beyond trash like no cap. I didn’t know that it would be hard to get over a person you was dealing with for some many years and gotten pregnant by. In reality I should have never stayed for so long but I honestly thought me staying would have made me into his girlfriend and it didn’t despite me meeting his family. I can agree that is deciding to no longer fuck with each other on that level and be friends was a great decision. I will still have love for him but he messed up some many other relationships that I had that could have had me in a better relationship than being with him, I probably would have never gotten pregnant and had to have that abortion, it still mess with my head especially now that I have my niece in my life. so it’s like everytime i look at her i think about the child I almost could have had, and as strong as i pretend to be on the outside deep down inside lord knows that’s not something I really wanted to do.

I been having the same kind of dreams over and over again. It’s really sad. Because I know what the dreams are really telling me and i feel as though I need to act on that action sooner or later or I feel like my feelings will be hurt. Or maybe they won’t be hurt. I just don’t like the unfeeling of not knowing what to do next or how my emotions will really make me feel. Like I honestly I just feel so numb in so many different situations it’s like I don’t know what to say or think. But if I act on how i really wanna act i know my anger will turn a lot of heads. And i know it’s been a long ass time since i have spazzed completely out on a person how I wanted to. I know if I do it again I won’t be liked or the same person people think I am

Hey girl, it’s me again and man oh man. I am starting to learn a lot about myself and I believe this is what i needed to start finding myself as the women I am supposed to be. I can no longer allow outside distractions stop me from being how I need to be in life. I have already been through so much and I came out each and every time. I know i had moments where I wanted to give up and days where I knew I couldn’t stop. But I continue to pray that this journey that I am on will bring me so much light and joy that I really need to be the women I was born to be. I know God has a plan for me and he will continue to guide me like he is doing now

It’s endless days where I just don’t feel like myself. Like I put on a front for those around me to try and be happy but really it’s not easy. This shit is really hard and it’s times I just wanna give up and say fuck everything, but it’s like i know i have so much to fight for and live for. I know things will change around for me once I am with the loml and my children. Because that’s really all i want in life.