VENTING I GUESS

Out of nowhere

I’ll just get hit with a wave of

All the little things I do

I have to trust them on this

Because

It’s impossible for me to see

At least right now

Maybe someday, I’ll be able to look at me and see someone cool. Someone accomplished. Someone who can go out and do things, instead of waiting and watching others take care of problems. Someone who can point to things I’ve done, myself, as reasons that I’m strong, instead of just what I’ve endured. I’m not strong because of what other people did to hurt me.

the real worst part is

And it. SUCKS. It was my goal, my dream, everything I was working for. I threw all of me into being a warrior, a Guardsman. And that’s all gone now.

Everyone in my timeline, except for my brothers, hate me. They think I had Undyne killed. I’ll never be in the Guard because I’m as good as a traitor. Hell, sometimes I think the only reason I was never arrested was because I didn’t try to take the job, myself, so the new Captain had me let off.

“But you could join the Royal Guard of a different timeline!”

No, I can’t. I’m not strong enough in other timelines. They’re more powerful than mine is. And what if I don’t want to move to a different timeline and try the same thing with some other Undyne? I wanted to prove to mine that I could do it. That I was enough. Instead, I got her killed. I proved her right. I don’t have what it takes.

I still wish I could be a warrior. I wish I could be the ones out fighting. I wish I could join a group in a big, dramatic battle. I wish I could have been in the actual fighting when we got Pippap back. I wish I could do something when people I  care about are in danger, and they have to tell me to stay away because they have to worry about how badly I might get hurt.

Sure, I can find other things to be. The guy that gets everyone together. The guy that makes dinner for the real warriors to come back to. But it’s still never going to not suck that I’m the one that has to stay behind. And it still hurts that I will always be the one that has to stay behind. And just be told to just do the thing like it’s easy. Like it’s possible and I’m just whining, just being lazy, just

I miss when it was fun

I miss when I wasn’t certain how it was always going to end

I miss the feeling of progression of getting a little bit better, a little bit faster, a little bit stronger

I miss the sense of accomplishment

I miss working toward a solid, tangible goal, even if it still seemed like I was getting roadblocked.

TRUST ME, I'M A BIT FLUSTERED WHEN ANSWERING THEM, I JUST... TRY NOT TO PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION TO IT, NYEH HEH