UNWORTHY YET LOVED.

It has been ages since I posted here I don’t even know where to start.

I have been working abroad for over a year now and “adulting” is real. I mean it is serious business. But that doesn’t mean I should take it all seriously and carry the loads myself, topping up the stresses in life.

Now, this is the part where everything goes blank as I am trying to think through what really happened for the past year and what I wanted to write here. To start off, I met strangers who eventually became friends. Unfortunately, these strangers-turned-friends became envious people and I ended up pushing myself away from them.

It is such a shame and it is frustrating because you are left alone knowing that you have been the kindest to them all your life. What happened? Is it just a conflict of personality? Or is it just because of jealousy and insecurity?

I was raised in a family where everyone showed sympathy, love, trust, respect and discipline. However, as I began to step out of my comfort zone, I learned that not everyone are raised just like how I was raised. Everybody is different. Cliche but that is reality. I began to see the reality where the world is full of hatred, apathy, and there are egoistic people who they view themselves as someone who is the best among others.

That’s when my naive and blissful heart and mind darkened. I was swallowed whole by the world which is just pure evil. I have been so positive all my life and with just a snap, my whole being turned into pure darkness and every depth of it is just negativity. Instead of looking into an opportunity, I view it as a problem.

Worst case scenario? My mind turned into the most disgusting egoistic thing that has ever been and I became one of those in the world that shows remorse in all things up to the point where I provoked myself to do something crazy - kill myself.

What happened to the extrovert, full of smile and charming young lady who has all the passion in her heart before?

It is true that when we get everything we are desperate for, everything we were asking as we kneel in prayer, crying our hearts out to the Lord, we tend to let go and live life how we want it to be.

You know when you try to hide in the dark and you enjoy doing the things you ought to do and when the day comes and you see your mess you just tend to sit in one corner and think about life. What have I done? Everything is just a mess. Everything is just falling apart. I was a light but I got defeated by darkness.

Currently, I am recovering from depression and I have been trying my best to get back to what I use to do before. However, I know that it is not just “getting back to what I usually am”. It is more of learning from everything that has happened and feed my mind and soul with all the goodness in life that I had known since I was a child.

9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10 For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. (2 Corinthians 12:9-10, ESV)

I have come to a point where I have exhausted all human resources and yet there is nothing I can do but to WAIT. I have to undergo the stages of grief and it is not easy to resolve one stage and move on to the next. It is seriously difficult to have all the saddest and gravest emotions at once.

Depression was by far the worst I have ever experienced. Yes, there was a time I cried whole day in bed and not wanting to eat. I was furious and depressed at the same time. Encouragements, motivations, and people reminding me that I am loved did not touched my stone cold heart. Fortunately, I did not want everything to end. I was still fighting and thinking of other ways to get through the hell I’ve been living in.

But when the Lord loves you, He will take you out and will deliver you from rock bottom. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10 was the verse that reminded me of three things.

First, God uses suffering to humble His children. He is saving His children from a life of pride. He is reminding His children that life itself is a reflection of God’s grace and glory and it is a shame that it is lived with pride - exalting own human effort without giving glory to God. Humility is the ultimate virtue; Pride is the ultimate sin. God loves His children and He will do everything to keep them away from a life of pride even if it means using Satan to torment just like what happened to Job.

Second, God uses suffering to draw His children to Himself. Profound suffering has a positive effect on our prayer life. Our union and prayer with God is sweetest and it is one of God's ways in disciplining His children who are slowly pushing Him away. God loves us and again, He will do everything to set our lives straight even if it means hitting us with the most painful experiences we could ever imagine.

Lastly, God uses suffering to display His grace. This life is made for His glory (Isaiah 43:7). He wants to display His grace in our lives because He finds glory in His grace. He do not remove the torment but He pours His grace. With that, it is a reminder once again that this life is never ours. This life is God’s grace itself and it should be lived in accordance and full obedience to God’s will.

God does not promise a trouble free life but He promise grace. Whatever we do, wherever we are, whatever the circumstance, we must saturate our whole being in Christ. We must embrace our suffering and always be thankful of our suffering because it is through this that God, who gave us this life, is glorified.

When all human efforts are exhausted, God’s work has only begun. We just need to be still (Lamemtations 3:19-24).