Master Monster Fucker

Attraction: Listen, I've handled my share of anxious-avoidant people, me included, but THIIIS motherfucker takes it up ten notches. I am just as much a personality person as I am a physical looks person, but any semblance of sex appeal with this monster disappeared when they decided to be an annoying piece of shit that stabs things in multiple directions. I get that this monster doesn't want me to advance, but they don't have to get so fucking insufferable with it! I got the message, Spear Knight, you're a piece of shit AND ugly to boot.

Efficiency: The Knight wields a huge spear that will definitely turn me into a kebob if I'm not agile enough, but if you look carefully at the pictures, you will see that the other end ISN'T sharp. I don't need to get near them to experience getting impaled the right way, they're called Spear Knight for a reason. I don't know what's underneath that armor, I don't think I'll ever get close enough to find out, and I don't think I need to since most of the work will be done on the spear anyways.

Satisfaction: I might need to have some extra slippery lube on me, but other than that, I believe I will have myself a good time. I do like a knight in armor, so looking at the Spear Knight while I get speared is a bonus.

Attraction: I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S JUST A HEAD!!!!! SHE IS BEAUTIFUL TO ME!!!! I COULD STARE INTO HER EYES AS SHE COLLIDES INTO ME!!! SNAKE HAIR IS A PLUS!! DAMNNN GIVE HER TO ME!!!! ON THE CLOCK TOWER STAIRS ON THE GEARS ON THE PLATFORMS ON THE STAIRS ON THE SPIKES IN THE WATER NO CONDOMS NO LUB

Efficiency: Snake hair, whatever. The guarantee that I will be turned into stone? Whatever. At least I will die holding her down. I will die in a good position. No real obstacles with medusa head, and if you think there are, skill issue. It's just a head, I could hold it in any orientation I want.

Satisfaction: Frenching on the lips, sucking on the chest, frenching on the lips downstairs, eating the kitty, death by a thousand hickeys, choking, ganging up on me, the list will be forever. I'm saying this for the first time ever, but I'm glad Medusa Heads are located where they are, because if I died to them, or even in front of them, I'd die the happiest person ever.

Overall: So this is our first perfect. I'm expecting more of this once I exit the NES era and there's more variety.

Double Whammy! No Way! I missed yesterday, so let me make up for it.

Attraction: We watched, yes WE watched The Shape of Water and WE all wanted the fish man. The Mermen do not have sexy potential, they ARE sexy. If you still don't get me, look at their toned, muscular legs, and maybe that will convince you.

Efficiency: I hate the smell of fish, I really do, but there can be worse smells. As long as we're fucking in well-ventilated area, I think it can be manageable. I also don't know what the situation is down for Mermen, hopefully it's more man than fish. If not, I guess I'll have to get creative with it. At least the cleanup will be easy. There's also the possibility of getting shot at with a water or fire blast, but hey, there's more fun if there's risk involved.

Satisfaction: I'm walking away REAL satisfied. Free lube, limbs that'll grip me hard. Mermen are very energetic, so I can see us going at it for a while... Bonus points if he drags me underwater.

Now, to my dear audience...

ATTRACTION: Yes, it's a rotting, hungry corpse, but I've seen uglier from some cishet men. Also, have any of you considered that I can just imagine a prettier face since it's practically falling off the bone? I'm going to have to imagine things like skin and muscle anyway. What I'm saying is that the Zombie is a blank slate, and at worst, I can just cover their faces with their robes or whatever scrap of fabric I can find off of them. In the end, it'll all be worth it for the magnificent moaning and groaning noises they make, and THAT is more than a certain subset of cishet men can provide. I mean, death IS freedom after all.

EFFICIENCY: The rotting, fragile flesh and the resulting stench, plus the fact that they want to kill me are definitely downsides, but let's all remember that they're fodder. They are the weakest enemy and a breeze can knock them over. In this situation, the benefits outweigh the risk. Unless their genitals have fallen off, I can't identify any other obstacles. Either way, I'll have a really good time.

Wait... a dead man is a dead dick... Whatever I'll figure it out. I can make anything work

SATISFACTION: You all might think that the decaying flesh is a problem, I think it's an advantage. I can slide right in just fine. Their movement is steady and rhythmic, perfect for copulation. Their aggression is a welcome feature. Most of all, the moaning!!!!!! I become a human Gusher when my partner sings!!! I just KNOW the sex is gonna end well, even better if more Zombies show up.

Anyways, I leave it up to my audience now...

Attraction: I'm sorry to the furries out there, but it's a bat. Unfortunately, I'm not attracted to… non-anthropomorphic animals. Even if we take their personality into account, the Vampire Bat just flies around in the same, predictable pattern. Sorry, but I like my monsters to be a little more interesting. I appreciate the patience in waiting for me to come, but I don't know what else you have to offer.

Efficiency: I think their size might be a pretty considerable obstacle. Vampire Bats are famously not human-sized so I don't know how anything is going to work. I also do know that bats famously carry tons of viruses, so if I'm not dead from exsanguination, I'll probably die from whatever virus I get from the bat flying into my face.

Satisfaction: Honestly, I think I'd feel more satisfaction getting knocked on my ass or off a platform. I feel bad enough when the poor blind thing collides with me.

How This Blog Works

It is what it says on the tin: I rate the monster based on fuckability. I will rate them based on different categories:

Are they attractive to me?

Will the sex be efficient? Any obstacles, how convenient, etc...

Will the experience be satisfying to me?

I will then give a cumulative overall rating, and then, members of the audience: I leave it up to you. At the end of each post, lies a poll of smash or pass. I don't care about anyone's opinion of me, but it would be nice to know if our tastes align.

Monsters will hopefully be requested with asks. However, if I don't get any, I'm gonna go through the bestiaries, starting with the first game.