Classpect Related Self-Reflection (Sylph of Life)
TW: Mention and discussion of self-harm
Hi all. This post will be a bit different.
It’s been a minute, huh? I started this blog (wow 6 years ago??) for fun, and my enthusiasm outpaced my capacity to actually follow-through on my plans, as is often the case. Wow, we’ve had the Epilogues and Homestuck^2 since then??? Crazy. Classpecting has popped into my mind every now and then, and today it was especially on my mind, particularly pondering whether the system is a helpful or limiting way to actually analyze and frame my own life. As with anything it’s a tension and there’s nuance to both sides, but tonight I’m inclined to bring this system back into the forefront as a genuinely helpful tool for making sense of my own life.
The following post wasn’t planned by any means. I was journaling my thoughts after watching the first batch of Stranger Things season 5 (no, I do not anticipate thinking about their classpects or writing an analysis, but BOY is Will a Page!), and what I’m going to share with you suddenly came up in the midst of my reflections. It’s going to be more personal and take a different direction than the rest of my work on this blog, but I wanted to share it regardless. I hope it does some good.
As for the future of this blog, I may post on this blog more in the future, but on an occasional whim. Might make posts or answer random asks, or might not. No plans whatsoever at the moment.
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The inverse of the Sylph of Life is the Prince of Doom, who destroys Doom around them and in themselves. Is that not what I do at my worst? I mean, when I was ideating serious self-harm this past week, wasn’t that the motivation? [I have been talking with my counselor about this, and if you experience thoughts or actions of self-harm, reach out and get the help you need.] I was so bitter about my condition and my inability to do anything productive or healing about my circumstances that I wanted to hurt myself to get rid of the big feelings. To destroy the Doom of despair that was weighing me down. My motivations at their core weren’t to hurt myself because I believed I was a bad person or that I deserved it or that I needed to die—at the core, my motivation for self-harm (be it the ideating cutting myself or the hitting myself that I’ve engaged in several times this year) was to get rid of feelings attacking me. To destroy the Doom. To release the tension. To stop the downwards spiral. To find release. And, in a twisted, one may say inverted way, to find healing. My motivation to act was a twisted version of a true, good desire I have—to restore Life. To create healing. To fix it. You could call it being focused on myself (after all, as the active prince inversion the action of the class is by nature more self-directed), but you could also frame it as [My Real Name] trying to be a Sylph of Life for [My Real Name] by fixing the problem and doing whatever he can to make the bad feelings go away and facilitate rest, and physical good for him. It was a kind impulse.
Now, my gut instinct response to this would be a diagnosis of, “Well, don’t act when you’re inverting. Stay true to your classpect.” But that’s going to be hard in the moment where it feels like hell—that’s part of why I was inverting in the first place, because my other strategies had failed me! But maybe, the answer if I’m truly running with staying true to acting as a Sylph of Life, is to facilitate the creation of life, to inspire healing, to help others create life. And I think the way to do that is by letting others in. Now, I do that already by making phone calls and reaching out when I need help, but leaning more on my supernatural help. I believe in a God who creates and sustains all life, who is the ultimate healer. I want to let him do his job and be the Life-giver to me that I can’t be on my own. After all, it is his divine impulse that flows through me into action.
Earlier today, I was reading out of the book of John, and this passage of scripture jumped out at me. I even boxed it in and drew little life symbols around the first bolded section below.
So Jesus said to them [The Jewish leadership], “Truly truly, I say to you, the Son can do nothing of his own accord, but only what he sees the Father doing. For whatever the Father does, that the Son does likewise. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all that he is doing. And greater works than these will he show him, so that you may marvel. For as the Father raises the dead and gives them life, so also the Son gives life to whom he will. For the Father judges no one, but has given all judgement to the Son, that all may honor the Son, just as they honor the Father. Whoever does not honor the Son does not honor the Father who sent this. Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgement, but has passed from death to life. Truly, truly, I say to you, an hour is coming, and is now here, when the dead will hear the voice of the Son of God, and those who hear will live. For as the Father has life in himself, so he has granted the Son also to have life in himself. And he has given him authority to execute judgment, because he is the Son of Man. Do not marvel at this, for an hour is coming when all who are in their tombs will hear his voice and come out, those who have done good to the resurrection of life, and those who have done evil to the resurrection of judgement…You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; and it is they that bear witness about me, yet you refuse to come to me that you may have life.”
(John 5:19-29, 39-40 ESV, brackets and bold emphasis added by me)Â
I’m sure there’s a lot I could say about this. But for tonight, my comfort is that the Life-Giver is on my side. While I don’t consider myself an Heir of Life in the Homestuck sense, I’m told I am a Co-Heir with Jesus, and therefore have granted to me the Life of the Father and him, the Son. I have God’s life within me. Because of Christ’s sacrifice, my hope is that I will be one of the chosen to be resurrected to the resurrection of life, and not the resurrection of judgement. Because Jesus died for me, I am credited his goodness, and I will forever be seen with his status—one who has done only good, and has done no evil. Life everlasting.
I’m going to continue to fail to come to him again and again. But I want to come back more. Because he is Life itself. He’s my Creator who invented the whole system (…of the universe, not of the classpects! I’ll give Hussie some credit and won’t wade into that theological debate—that isn’t exactly what this tumblr blog is for, anyway.)
Now that’s all really vague and idealistic and hopeful. What can I say, Propsit’s my lunar sway. I know I’m probably going to get frustrated at myself later trying to figure out how to apply this practically when I’m at my wit’s end. For now, I feel a deeper sense of trust in my higher power, and I want to surrender to him to let him create life for me more when I feel like I can’t.
That’s the onward march of positive progress I like to hear. And an answered prayer of a deeper trust and love for my God.
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I pray this post is an encouragement to you. If you’re someone who needed to hear something I said, I pray you would be healed and hear the God of Life’s invitation to you to come further in.
If you would like to send a message in response to this post, I cannot promise you I can engage with your message, but I’d certainly be more likely to respond to your thoughts than a typical ask.
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