~

i only met the man a handful of times and what i knew of him is that he was a good man who, like all of us i guess, was neither black nor white. i was always r's 'buddy' instead of ever being called her fiance or girlfriend. but it was an acknowledgement that he made in an effort at close to 80 years old because he loves r and started to change.

of course its a tuesday and we're thinking about death. my anxiety towards it gives me another layer of anxiety but kind of in a good way, seeing as for on and off portions of time i have had a more apathetic reaction. but that extra layer's newness is weird and i don't know how to sit with it. having a more concrete anxiety around death to me is emerging because perhaps i like my life more? i feel like i have things to lose?

the closer i start getting towards a life that i want, or one that feels safe or whatever, i don't trust it. no, that's not accurate.

the thought's gone.

the point being is that being is that of course thinking about death makes you think about life and how you behave and exist. you pause and, i mean hopfeully, are prompted to take stock. were you honest? were you happy? what kinds of things will matter in the end?

and i don't even believe that these questions will matter solely because of their impact on oneself, but rather that by responding to the world with some true version of oneself, you are also best serving the people around you by showing up as the authentic version of yourself. to tend to oneself worth in order to recognize and accept the the outcomes that come your way.

so that you can say, at the end, i tried my very best to help create a better world by working both towards my own happiness and wellbeing but that of those around me. and those relationships with people other than myself are worth pursuing and tending to because you also get to meet yourself through other people.

i'll be your mirror being one of my favourite velvet underground tracks and all.

i think caring about our relationships with others is also in many ways a commitment to ourselves. if you hold that you care about the relationship and its success, on some level that means you ought to care about yourself, being that the success is contingent on you showing up as the best version of you.

and i don't mean best as in the most capitalist productive active version of oneself. and that the pursuit of this is contingent first on a lot of material equality to be safe and housed and clothed and able to exist beyond just surviving. but best as in working through the unhealed and ignored trappings that we all bear.