bunnytron Dreams

I got you. I’m so proud of you. So proud to own you, your mind, your desires, your body. I might hurt you, but I will never harm you. I love that you are mine and I am equally yours.

When I first started researching BDSM and D/s, every single source I ran across came with a laundry list of warnings attached. There are blurbs on consent, safety, differentiating healthy relationships from abusive ones, gaslighting, identifying faux-Dominants/submissives, how to meet people, how to vet them, aftercare, safewords, health risks. There was one warning, however, that was never really mentioned that I think is probably one to lead with. I think it came in dabs or dashes – and I see it come up every once in a while…

But let me just officially state the biggest warning that was never explicitly stated:

D/s is mounds of painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work. And the best part? It never stops being painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work (if you’re doing it right).  

This doesn’t mean it won’t simultaneously be the most purposeful, wonderful, beautiful, soul-fulfilling, worthwhile work ever done.

It will require a level of commitment, openness, vulnerability, and willingness that feels impossible until you’re standing knee deep in the muck with no where else to go.

And no one warns you.

I just wish someone lead with that first. It’s going to require you to reach deep within yourself and open up to places and spaces you’ve run away from in the past. It’s going to ask you to take every fear, weakness, and demon you struggle with and place it on display in an intimate dance that you don’t know the steps to and you have no idea where it is going and when it will end. Further, you have to lean into it; you have to stand toe to toe with every insecurity and hope you don’t break. As wonderful as it may be, it’s not just about spankings, sex, bondage, and “do as you I say.” It’s not about the kinky fuckery. It’s about summoning strength from deep within your soul that you didn’t know existed. It’s about following through on things you’ve always been scared to do. It’s about doing when you really don’t want to or are too tired. It’s about trusting another person and putting your life in their hands. It’s about growth. It’s going to push you. It’s going to challenge you. It’s going to hurt (and sometimes not even the fun kind).

And that’s just the beginning… You have to keep going. It doesn’t stop. Ongoing, every day, every moment you have to make the conscious decision to turn towards each other. You have to maintain, you have to grow, you have to tend and nurture. It has a life of its own. It’s a living, breathing being. It doesn’t ever stop. You can’t just “step away” from it if you get bored or “don’t feel like it.”

(Crossposted from https://jukeboxemcsa.wordpress.com/2022/02/10/enjoy-your-fantasies/)

(This post has been brought to you by the efforts of my 187 important and special Patrons! Visit my Patreon page to learn how to become one of them.)

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I know that someone does - right now, in fact - so I say it every once in a while. Fantasies are morally neutral. They are private, personal safe spaces for exploration of your desires, and whatever happens in there, it’s happening to imaginary people who can’t really be hurt. Fantasies are just like emotions, they’re you feeling whatever it is you’re feeling in that moment.

And just like emotions, what you do with them is important. If you’re feeling angry and you channel that into an extra-long exercise session that works out that emotional energy through exertion, that’s good. If you channel it into punching someone in the face, that’s bad. Fantasies are morally neutral, but if you let them lead you into actions that are harmful for you or others, then that’s not a good way to express those feelings or desires. It’s important to interrogate your fantasies (this is different from an interrogation fantasy) to find out what it is you’re feeling and what it means, so that you can find healthy ways to express those desires.

You may find that there are no safe or healthy ways to express those fantasies in the real world. That is okay. You can let them remain fantasy. Not every fantasy needs to come out into reality, and not every fantasy can. Some involve genuine non-consensual scenarios, some are not physically possible (hello, monsterfucking!) and some may just be a lot more fun inside your head where they’re not actually happening to you. That’s fine. One of the biggest mistakes you can make is thinking that fantasies need to lead somewhere, when they really don’t.

And fantasies don’t have to say anything about you. You can be a feminist who fantasizes about bimbification. You can be a cis man who fantasizes about dressing in traditionally female clothing. You can have fantasies about people you’ve never met, and that’s fine so long as you distinguish the fantasy person from the real human being who is not a part of your daydream and deserves to be recognized as an individual. (Yes, this probably means never ever ever telling them you fantasized about them. That is part of handling your fantasies responsibly.) What turns you on is sometimes very different from what you believe in, and that’s okay because fantasies don’t have to lead anywhere.

My fantasies help me understand other things than what I’ve said so far. I need to get into all of that but only say that paying attention to your fantasies can be as good or better than going to a therapist every week. Ok

There is something missing from this post, too. Fantasies can be very healing and cathartic. Often they can help you understand what you are experiencing. I recognize that when my life felt out of control the dominant in my fantasies was extremely harsh even sadistic even extremely sadistic. These things turned me on but I didn’t want any of them to happen. The fact that the fantasies were is occurred told me that my life was spinning out of control and that I could do something about it. On the other hand, when the dominant in the fantasy was gentle and loving and kind, my world was at peace. It was okay to come out of the bomb shelter to come out from behind the protective walls.