diary of a non-binary

hey tumblr it's me, ya boi. i'm just sitting here drinking a beer next to my sleeping partner and trying to figure out why i've been so *fucking* tired this week.

oh, yeah

after i came out to my dad he told me that he doesn't believe in more than two genders and that i am still the gender i was born as. cool.

then i drove 16 hours to go be with my partner for new year's, which has been really fun but also a little exhausting. we went to a party the other night and i was dd, which meant that i stayed sober and watched my partner get shitfaced. that was fine i guess, but they kept asking me to do stuff with them that i wasn't comfortable doing in public. which included them touching me without my consent and after i said no. nothing happened, and they backed off and sobered up a little when i pushed them away. i know they never would've done it if they were sober, but i dunno. i feel bad talking about it because i know they would be upset about it, and i don't want them to freak out.

long story short, i ended the night holding their hair as they puked and then drove us home and put them in bed. they woke up with a major hangover and i had to take care of them again, which would've been fine if they weren't super cranky and short with me when i was helping them.

everything's fine, but i'm a bit frustrated and sad. i love them a lot, more than i thought i could love anyone, but i give to them so much. i care for them and hold them and, not to be tmi, fuck them and it doesn't ever really feel like they return the same amount of effort. i know that sounds harsh, and i feel bad for saying it.

but.

i want to be cared for, i want to be held, and, again tmi, i want to be fucked.

it seems selfish to say, butbi don't want to have to always be the grown-up, or the chaperone, or the top. sometimes i need you to take care of me.

hey there!

i know i haven't posted in a while, so sorry ab that. (not like there's anyone that's really keeping track.)

i took my last final of the semester today. i've been pretty numb all week, which is really unusual for me and, frankly, pretty f***ing scary. i am really good at knowing how i feel about everything 24/7, which is pretty exhausting, but familiar. i'm used to the emotional overload; it's kind of become a comfort to me.

this week has been different though. i've battled some of the worst depression i've ever had and spiraled more times than i can count. i realized that i have been trying to just push through this entire semester, and i have pushed for so long that i can't do it anymore.

it broke me.

i was so worried that i wouldn't make it through, that i never made a plan for what life would look like after.

i was laying in bed with my partner tonight, and came to the shocking realization that, without them, i probably wouldn't have made it. that hit me really hard, and i instantly started crying. i don't know what i would've done if i hadn't had them, and that scares the s**t out of me.

but i made it. i actually made it through the semester, and i don't have to worry anymore. i just have to pay bills, and find another job before i leave school for Christmas. i just have to take one day at a time and enjoy the time i have left with my partner before we both go to visit our families for the holidays.

so.

i’ve met someone. i really like them, and i think they like me. 

they make me smile, laugh, and think, which is amazing. 

we had a conversation about light and how our eyes see colors and turned it into a beautiful metaphor, which is honestly my love language. i feel like they get me. 

they’re not perfect, by any means, but i think i could see myself with them. we’ve both had very different experiences with being non-binary, and i think that’s really cool. it’s nice to talk to someone who is going through similar stuff as me. i’m currently making them a playlist, which feels a little cringe-y, but i kinda like it. 

they’ve got me talking about religion and faith when i thought i would never be able to go into a church again. it’s given me just a bit of hope, and i love it. they also know a lot about politics, and i think they’re going to help me get registered to vote.  

this week has been surprisingly hard for me. i’ve officially settled into my schedule for the rest of the summer, and i’m feeling a lot of things right now. 

a little overwhelmed. 

a little broken. 

a little proud. 

it’s weird to be dealing with all of these things at once, but i’m trying to remind myself that it’s ok. 

i realized a few days ago that i’ve been in a mild depressive episode for about a month or so, which was hard to process. i’ve been telling myself that i’m sad because i’m homesick, or lonely, or tired, blah blah blah. those are partly true, but i’ve been down for a while now and i’m going to need to get up soon. but you know what?

i’m going to give myself some space. 

there’s no need to make myself feel bad for feeling bad, that doesn’t help anything. 

i can take my time. 

to heal, to grow, to love myself.

hi! I doubt that this will be something a ton of people see, but that's not what I'm writing for. I needed a safe place to put my poems, my thoughts, and my heart where they wouldn't be judged. So here goes.

My name is Myka. I am a non-binary pansexual individual who is obsessed with theatre, Harry Potter, start wars, and many other things. I have only recently come out to myself as nb, but I've been out as a queer person for about 9 months or so.

When I came out to my mom she said that she was heartbroken that I was making that choice (her exact words). So you can probably see why I haven't told her that I don't identify with the gender binary. Here is the poem I wrote that night. A few things to explain: I mention bisexuality. I originally thought I was bi when I wrote it, and it fits with the rest of the like so I can't change it. I come from a conservative Christian background, so that is what the end lines are referring to.

***It does have some content that might be triggering for some, so please take care of yourself.***

the lips that i might choose to kiss

aren’t the ones you would’ve chosen for me.

they’re not the ones i should want to kiss,

and that means I’m broken.

legs with lines lingering

from lengthly lessons in self-hatred.

stiffen my lips and try to be strong,

but red eyes and trembling chin betray bereavement.

bi. bye to vulnerability,

to honesty,

to truth.

i cannot hope for true health for me

as long as you continue to believe I’m lost.

the path i am on is one that brings you sadness,

but my love lies on it and so i walk it.

my choice to love with openness

has been met with fractures,

closed minds,

judgements;

things you taught me were less than humans deserved.

do i deserve this then?

dare i deserve damnation dished directly

from a deity detached and daunting?