방탄의

( because the world needs more salt && complications. feel free to change up the context or pronouns! )

feel free to change pronouns as needed

❝ Did you purposefully order a Sex on the Beach so I’d have to say that to the gay bartender? ❞

❝ They should just let us get married, cause anyone who’s been married knows that the sex is downhill from there. ❞

❝ Drunk or not, you’re still an asshole. ❞

❝ This place is a shit hole. ❞

❝ … I’m talking hold-on-to-the-grass-so-you-don’t-fall-off-the-Earth hammered. ❞

❝ I am just as likely as anyone of this family to make something of myself. ❞

❝ I’d have to care for it to be a [ insert name ] rebound thing. ❞

❝ I don’t know how much more of that I can take without stabbing him in the neck with a broken beer bottle. ❞

❝ I’m not homeless, I told you. I have a home, I’m just not welcome there. ❞

❝ Cuz when you focus on other people’s problems, it’s a lot easier to ignore your own. ❞

❝ I’m probably biased, you deserve better than him. ❞

❝ If you don’t get out right now, I will shoot you. ❞

❝ What was I supposed to do? Was I supposed to sit on my porch knitting, hoping one day you’d show back up. You disappeared. Gone. Nothing. ❞

❝ I feel a little bit like “Pretty Woman.” ❞

❝ I prefer carcinogens to endorphins. ❞

❝ I hate myself for a number of reasons right now and I’m not going to add being a snitch to the list. ❞

❝ I’m done living the way other people want me to live. ❞

❝ Yes it’s about me! Because it’s never about me and I’m finally making it about me!❞

❝ Sort your shit out. ❞

❝ Me yelling at her? You think that’s the most traumatic thing that’s happened to her in the last 18 hours. ❞

❝ I’d be crying too if I wasn’t so high. ❞

❝ I don’t know why it took me this long to start hating myself but I got there. It’s a shitty feeling. ❞

❝ Please don’t be the guy that lies! Please don’t be that guy. ❞

❝ I want normal people problems. ❞

❝ If I had a dime for every time I heard you say that I’d have one dime. ❞

❝ I don’t mean to be an asshole, it’s just genetic. ❞

❝ Doing things you don’t wanna do is how you make a relationship work. ❞

❝ Asking him to pick me over them is asking me to change the thing I loved the most. ❞

❝ Kick ass, take names…and don’t blow anyone. ❞

❝ Why would anyone go to the zoo sober? ❞

❝ I’d trade my left nut for one more hour of sleep. ❞

❝ I made a list of the top 50 stupidest things and all 50 were when I was drunk. ❞

❝ One of my unspoken rules is you don’t fuck somebody else when we’re on a date.❞

❝ I was raised like a pack of wolves, just like you were, except my wolves went to Harvard. ❞

❝ Well if you need me, I’ll be in the bushes across the street stalking you. ❞

❝ I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is fuck you! ❞

❝ You think you scare me? Bring it, bitch! ❞

❝ I’m not my dad. You hear me? I’m not my fucking dad! ❞

❝ Did the two of us finish an entire gallon of box wine the other night? ❞

❝ Figure out that chick sitting on my sofa wearing your wedding ring and then we’ll talk. ❞

❝ Hey, if how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I’m pretty screwed, right? ❞

❝ Uh, yeah, no, I just can’t figure out, you know, what’s — you know, what’s in it for him? ❞

❝ Hey, there’s someone downstairs who’s calling you sweetheart. ❞

❝ She’s a skanky, manipulative, little bitch and you should unfriend her. ❞

❝ So thanks to me, you’ve been pistol whipped and shot in the ass. ❞

❝ Alcohol is a gift. ❞

❝ I wish I could just skip the part where I don’t know the right thing to do and get to the part where I do. ❞

❝ I never thought I’d say this but you were right. ❞

❝ Wait, we’re going to leave an angry Russian with a hard on in our bedroom? ❞

“Alright, I love you, but you need Jesus.”

“Are you done?”

“Are you reading fanfiction?”

“Can I have your fries?”

“Coffee is the only substance I drink.”

“Did you get my text?”

“Eat my whole ass.”

“Hey, don’t insult memes!”

“How long have you been playing that game?”

“I don’t know whether to be insulted or impressed.”

“I like your taste in music.”

“I said I’m sorry!”

“I think your gayness might be affecting me.”

“It’s a damn shame.”

“I’ll be home in five minutes.”

“I’m just gonna nope out of this situation.”

“I’m sorry…”

“I’m three feet away from you, why did you text me?”

“Let me go.”

“Like a good neighbour I’m gonna take your shit and never give it back.”

“Me. I meant me.”

“Nice voice crack.”

“Our friendship is weird as hell. But so are we. So it’s perfect!”

“Please don’t do this…”

“Suck my ass through a straw.”

“Touching leads to babies.”

“Um?”

“Wait up!”

“What are you talking about?”

“What the hell is that?”

“… What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What’s going on?”

“Why are you like this?”

“Your taste in music is shit.”

“You’re trash for her, aren’t you?”

dark themes edition. ( trigger warning for mentions of murder, etc.)

“ how long have you been doing this?”

“ and this ‘something,’ it makes you kill things?”

“ have you ever wanted to kill something else?”

“ it’s going to make you want to kill, and you can’t help that.”

“ what are you?”

“ choose what… or WHO you kill.”

“ you gimme the fucking creeps.”

“ you don’t want to do this to me.”

“ put the knife down, ___.”

“ jesus christ that hurt!”

“ and then it hits me. it’s not me, it’s you. there’s something wrong about you.”

“ i should’ve listened to him/her. something’s wrong about you.”

“ that’s the kind of shit i used to fall for when i thought you liked me.”

“ you’re connected to this thing.”

“ maybe you didn’t do it, but i’m gonna find out. and some of what i find is gonna stick to you.”

“ ___, come on. for christ’s sake, cut the shit! it’s me!”

“ i should shoot you.”

“ for god’s sake let me out of this shit and quit acting like a fucking lunatic.”

“ goddamn it. come on, ___. snap out of it!”

“ ___ should see this. s/he was right about you.”

“ of course, neither one of us could manage that with real feeling. after all, we can’t actually feel anything, can we?”

“ we’ve both spent our lives playing a part. moving through this world reciting lines and pretending we belong in a world made for human beings, and never really human ourselves.”

“ have you done any reading on monsters like us?”

“ this happened, ___. the chain saw, the flying body parts, the … blood—”

“ we both suffered a classic traumatic event. it made me what i am—and i had a thought that it might do the same for you.”

“ you have to listen and do as i say. you have to. you should know that. it’s important.”

“ it’s a terrible mess, isn’t it?”

“ open them. open your eyes. open them NOW.”

“ look. or i will cut your eyelids right off your face.”

“ i am a very neat monster.”

“ oh, what a madcap little monster i’ve been.”

“ If i am ever careless enough to be caught, they will say i am a sociopathic monster, a sick and twisted demon who is not even human.”

“ yes, beg me. that’s good. much better.”

“ i understand perfectly. you see, i can’t help myself either.”

“ can’t? i don’t think i know that word.”

“ you are mine now. do exactly as i say.” 

“ be good and you will live longer.”

“ oh, dear, are we being squeamish? after what happened?”

“ how did you know i would want to? you couldn’t really know.”

“ it’s a little bit of a shock the first time, isn’t it?”

“ killing makes me feel good.”

“ i enjoy my work; sorry if that bothers you. but there it is. and it’s not just ANY killing, of course. it has to be done the right way, at the right time, with the right partner—very complicated, but very necessary.”

“ i don’t want the cops to catch every serial killer out there. then what would i do for a hobby?”

“ there are plenty of people who deserve it.”

“ really? even after the new kill last night?”

“ imagine how it would’ve felt if i had killed you.”

“ i might have had to kill him/her.”

“ really, now: if you can’t get me my newspaper on time, how can you expect me to refrain from killing people?”

“Yeah, what do you wanna do, poke her with a stick?”

“I like him, he says okie dokie.”

“Son of a bitch!”

“Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole.”

“Ugh, the thought of him driving my car.”

“Wait, there’s no such thing as unicorns?”

“I’m not gonna die in a hospital where the nurses aren’t even hot.”

“We know a little about a lot of things; just enough to make us dangerous.”

“I hope your apple pie is freakin’ worth it!”

“They’re supposed to make you miserable! That’s why they’re family!”

“I lost my shoe.”

“You’re a great big bag of dicks.”

“I found a liquor store and I drank it.”

“Do I look like a ditchable prom date to you?”

“It must be hard with your sense of direction, never being able to find your way to a decent pickup line.”

“Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help yoga crap.”

“You put your foot on my coffee table, I’m gonna whack you with a spoon.”

“Who do you think is a hotter psychic: Patricia Arquette, Jennifer Love Hewitt or you?”

“You better take care of that car or I swear I’ll haunt your ass!”

“Always take down your Christmas decorations after New Year’s, or you might get filleted by a hooker from God.”

“Snow White? I saw that movie. The porn version anyway. There was this wicked Stepmother. Woo, she was wicked.”

“I had a crappy guidance counselor.”

“Of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we’re gay?”

“Dude, you fugly.”

“They made me slow dance.”

“I’m gonna go stop the Big Bad Wolf. Which is the weirdest thing I’ve ever said.”

“I’m Batman!”

“You fudgin’ touch me again, I’ll fudgin’ kill ya!”

“These tacos taste funny to you?”

“What visage are you in now? Holy tax accountant?”

“Hey, see if they’ve got any pie. Bring me some pie. I love me some pie.”

“You know, when this is over, we should really have angry sex.”

“I’d like to think it’s because of my perky nipples.”

“Oh, I’m not carrying that. It could go off. I’ll man the flashlight.”

“Dude, you’re confusing reality with porn again.”

“On Thursdays, we’re teddy bear doctors.”

“Oh yeah, life as an angel condom. That’s real fun. I think I’ll pass, thanks.”

“There are two things I know for certain. One: Bert and Ernie are gay. Two: you are not gonna die a virgin, not on my watch.”

“For fans, they sure do complain a lot.”

“The whistle makes me their god.”

“Details are everything. You don’t want to go fighting ghosts without any health insurance.”

“Brains trumps legs, apparently.”

“I would love to have the sex with you.”

“I have genital herpes.”

“This isn’t funny, _____. The voice says I’m almost out of minutes!”

“I don’t understand that reference.”

“Hey ass-butt!”

“Today, you’re my little bitch.”

painful

“ it’s — getting a bit out of hand now. ”

“ i don’t think i can keep this up much longer. ”

“ i’m getting tired of hiding…”

“ it sucks that i can’t kiss you in public. ”

“ how much longer do i have to keep swallowing my desires for you. ”

“ are you sure we will — ? ”

“ do you think we’ll ever… be a couple-couple ? ”

“ sometimes i’m just scared that you’re just using me. ”

“ it’s starting to dawn on me that… the reason you might not want to come out about this is because you don’t really love me—”

“ is this a joke to you?”

“ i deleted all our texts. ”

“ i can’t keep pictures of us on my phone, are you crazy? ”

“ if anyone sees us i won’t know what to do. ”

“ sometimes it feels like i am the only one doing an effort here… ”

provoked

“ aren’t we suppose to be a thing ? why are you flirting then ?”

“ sometimes it feels like i am the only one doing an effort here —”

“ you sure seem to be good at ignoring the fact that we’re together. ”

“ okay no — i can’t handle the way they keep staring at you. ”

“ if they don’t stop hitting you up i’ll end up hitting them down. ”

“ don’t you see any pride in the marks i left on you ? ”

“ is this a joke to you — ?!”

“ stop that — we’re in public. ”

“ no, not until we get home. ”

“ you know i can’t do this out here — stop it!”

“ could TRY to show that you’re a little worried about this ???”

steamy

“ d—-don’t make me moan, i don’t want anyone to catch us… ”

“ everyone is downstairs… ~ take your pants off ”

“ shhh…. ~ it’ll be fine baby, no one will hear us ”

“ so what ? ~ if they see us coming out together we’ll figure something out…”

“ i’m gonna leave so many hickeys on you… show everyone that you’re taken… ”

“ i missed your scent…”

“ it feels so good — being close to again… ”

“ i’ve been thinking — about this the entire day… ”

“ ~ sit back and let me spoil you… you went an entire day without touching me… ”

“ kiss me… and don’t let me go ”

“ you’re like a forbidden fruit when i can’t touch you ~ kind of sexy ”

innocent

“ i can’t wait to show you off to the entire world… ”

“ we’ll be the cutest couple in existence, someday ”

“ when we come out i’m going to drown you kisses every day ”

“ ~ if we carve our initials in a tree no one will know ”

“ no one will notice if we hold hands under the table ~ ”

“ one day… we’ll be able to kiss like everyone else ”