Return Of The Axl Rose Rating System
The Fantastical Return Of The W. Axl Rose Rating System For Record Reviews!
Due to an overwhelming popular demand Buddyhead is back reviewing records! And due to the fact that we’re a one-trick pony over here plus the number of new amazing Axl photos available on the internet, the infamous Axl Rose rating system is back as well! Buddyhead certainly couldn’t be any happier to have ol’ Billy Bruce Rose back on staff nuking all the posers out there as well as handing out congratulations when needed! This new rating system will be how Buddyhead will “grade” all of the future record reviews from now on so study the images and their descriptions below so that you know what the score is when you see an Axl icons on the reviews. So, without further ado, here are the new and improved “Axl Ratings” and how they break down…
If you’d like your record reviewed send a vinyl copy to Buddyhead 106 1/2 judge john aiso st. #413 • los angeles, ca 90012
This album is legendary! It’s pretty much perfect and prefect records remind Axl of that time when he was just vibing with a dolphin at the end of the “Estranged” music video, which was right after the dolphins swam down Sunset Blvd past The Rainbow and then he just jumped off an oil tanker to swim with em’. Good times! This record transports him back to when his music video budgets were like $4 million bucks and Converse was making him custom AXL shoes. In fact Axl likes this album so much he’s actually gonna put this one right up there next to his own masterpiece, “Appetite For Destruction”. Do you know where the fuck you are?!?!?!? You’re in jungle the chilling with dolphins baby! You’re gonna diiiiiiiieeeeeeee!!!! Haha oh hell yeah!
In Axl’s opinion this album is pretty fucking killer! Kinda like how it’s pretty fucking killer that his boys Duff and Slash are finally back in the band again. Sure this could of and should of happened decades ago and now everyone’s gotta pretend to care about playing “Chinese Democracy” songs but it better than never at all. Listening to this record makes Axl forget all that tho and feel as if he’s back in his glory days between "Appetite" and "Lies", when all of his hair was actually his, Metallica fucking opened up for him and he could still pull off those killer loose mesh shirts, tight as fuck spandex bike shorts and catchers gear. Back when the worst thing people would ask was “Where’s Izzy?” Better times indeed my dudes.
Axl is totally amped on this album cuz it’s giving off a vibe that reminds him of time he wore a purple sports coat to some dinner party didn’t really wanna attend and he ended up having a great time bombed out of his mind in the basement, holding a massive lobster and telling tour stories to bunch of eager normies. Sure Slash wasn’t there and neither was Duff, Izzy or Popcorn but he did have those squares on the edges of their seats. They were nestled firmly in the palm of his hand and just hanging on his every word. It was a really good party brother… Haha oh hell yeah!
Axl thinks this record is pretty good and he enjoyed it kind of like how he enjoys riding his bicycle with cowboy boots. In Axl’s opinion this record definitely ain’t no Use Your Illusion II, but he would probably consider taking this band on tour and might even let them stay on the whole thing unless these dudes do something stupid… like try to make eye contact with him, try to talk to his psychic or try to prevent Axl from doing multiple wardrobe changes during his set. Axl’s party can not be stopped so don’t even try!
Axl said he was pleasantly surprised with this record and got caught off guard by how much he liked some of the tunes. They’re almost as good he looks holding this Mike McGill skateboard. And that's saying a lot! There are def some flaws on the album, so he's not sure how many repeat listens he'll give it, but he's optimistic that this band could put out good records in the future. Maybe one day they'll get to open for Guns N' Fuckin’ Roses and see Axl helicopter in.
This isn’t the worst album Axl’s ever heard but he knows the artist could do better and that makes him kinda mad. Honestly he’d rather be back bullying Tommy Hilfiger in the VIP area of a nightclub instead of having to listen to this slop. However, you’ll notice that hint of sadness on his face which indicates that deep down he knows this record is still better than “Chinese Democracy” not to mention his wack cover of The Rolling Stones “Sympathy For The Devil”. Reminds him of that time his actions made “yellow-jacketing” become a viral term and that shit bums him the fuck out.
Axl thought this record was BAD. He liked this crap about as much as he liked getting arrested by the pigs while they scuffed up his dripped out Versace Guns N’ Roses shirt. Axl’s not really looking to get in the ring with this band…. yet, but he’s definitely going to have his security remove them from the area if he ever sees them hanging around him. Axl liked shit about as much as he likes St. Louis or being called William Bruce Rose Jr.
This record is terrible, like when Axl was rocking cornrows, no eyebrows and baggy jerseys in the early 2000’s. Just an embarrassing experience for everyone involved. After checking this record out Axl threw a tantrum, smashed the hotel TV, called for his fuckin limo and took off, totally bummed that he wasted time on this bullshit. He's hoping whatever the limo's bar is stocked with will help him forget what he just heard cuz he ain't got nothing better to do, and he's bored. Axl doesn't ever wants to think about this record again! Kinda like he doesn't wanna think about how DJ Ashba was in the band for a minute or how while Buckethead was in the band he was allowed a "nunchuck-solo” or that reality show Gilby Clarke was on with Tommy Lee and Jason Newsted called Supernova.
Axl thinks this record is a total piece of shit! This records makes him angry like when people think he looks like Rip Taylor or when they don’t know that Don’t Cry, November Rain and Estranged are a mother-fucking trilogy. This album is so unlistenable and it’s pissed off him so bad that he lowered his shoulder and he’s about to bull charge anyone responsible… this includes band members, producers, engineers, mixers, A&R dudes, PR, etc… GET IN THE RING MOTHERFUCKERS OR RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
