What Would I Want? Sky

chicago has been a home, but it has not felt like a home. I know my neighborhoods, I can traverse around the city at will via bike, transit, car, or walking (none of which are particularly quick), and I know what the city has to offer. but while it’s comforting knowing what’s here, it hasn’t been a comfortable stay. it’s not home. nothing, nowhere will be “home” like what I could call home growing up for 19 years, and that’s okay - I accept that. and I know nowhere will be a “home” for the foreseeable future. this is fine. but I can stay somewhere more comfortable. and I’m going to do that.

I’ve been grappling with a “return” of sorts to the state I grew up in, and the perception of failure. the passing remarks of, oh, he didn’t make it, oh, the big city was too much for him, oh, we knew he couldn’t handle it, etc. it’s bullshit and I know it but it still bugs me. I could stay a few more years and establish a “home” here, but why? why would I want to make roots here? what reason did I have, other than an okay job with a hope of cultivating my own scene? this city is expensive, difficult to do things in, with little sense of community. there’s not a passion for work, not a passion for my friend group, not a passion for any other extracurriculars I’m doing. it’s not worth being here. 

moving to minneapolis will be a positive change. or, at a guaranteed minimum, an opportunity for a positive change. i’ll be around the majority of my friend group. I have a job lined up that will pay more than i’m making now. my rent will be cheaper. I can drive my car around the city at any time of the day without gridlock. I’ll have a good friend for a roommate I can hang out with whenever I want. I can find a lake or a trail or something relatively peaceful, still within the city, in under a mile. or, I could say fuck it and drive to somewhere even quieter in the suburbs in fifteen minutes. it’ll be easy. I’ll be able to do the things I want to do. I’ll be around positive people, who will hopefully influence me to be more positive.

and, god forbid, I start making art again? one of my key desires in moving to chicago was to try my hand at being an artist with a day job, and try to break into the art scene. I paid for a studio and barely used it. I moved and set up a studio in my apartment. i’m currently staring at my easel, no canvas, which has been utilized more to hang clothes than anything else. I have nothing to show over the last year, other than a couple rolls of film. 

but, at the end of the day, it’s on me to quit fucking up. I could keep doing nothing after work. I could just go home and stream some sportsball game that I think I care about but I usually don’t. I could keep eating shitty foods and exercising infrequently and drinking copious amounts of beer. I can keep a lot of this negativity with me. it won’t be hard to stay in my same habits.