* NuMb FrEqUeNcIeS * Main Character in This Bitch

thinking about le fact that we shall be back at Roo so soon literally has geekin’

- hollow graphic -

10/11/2024

knock knock

who is it

I am so broken

The constant sting of reality and the aching feeling of not being good enough seeps into every fiber of my being

My whole body is tensed up… I’m borderline shivering and shattering my teeth from the amount of anxiety, fear, anger, and pure hopelessness that clouds my entire brain

I feel paralyzed and it’s like my eyes can’t stay shut. And my brain is like over heated and it just can’t seem to load rational thoughts or even just help me get the small things I need done to get the more important things done

I’m trying… trying so fuckinh hard

I feel defeated

And depleted

It’s too hard to pretend like I’m okay

Like everything aspect of my life and my reality right now makes me want to spiral and simply evaporate into nothingness

I saw my mems from 2 yrs ago and I was actually where I am now…

When will I ever be able to actually change

Or will I be asking myself that same question for the rest of my life ?

It physically hurts to not want to be in my skin anymore

I can’t even muster up enough delusion or fantasy for my future to get me through this rough patch

I really want to believe that things will get better but my track record isn’t helping my case

I just want to feel at peace for once

I can’t even do that for a few mins without thinking about how I don’t have the money I need to take care of anything I need to, let alone myself.

The intrusive, destructive thoughts come barreling in so fast when I am already starting to spiral and it’s getting so hard to fit them off

I am so mean and disinterested towards Ricky and I take it out on him when I shouldn’t

~ I think I love this little life ~

I am more than able to achieve what I want in my life.

I wish my brain would simply just remember the silly little fact that i actually am the one for is creating this story

If I want something, put the effort in, & let go of my fear and anxiety, the universe is going to provide me with results.

I am confused why my past week has been an absolute train wreck.

My brain is like constantly on the brink of a mental breakdown.

I feel so fragile

But I know I am strong and have been through worse

I know I am capable of accomplishing a lot more than my thoughts like to tell me.

I’m sick of my brain drowning me in these dark, negative panic spirals that take so much out of me and just breaks me down eventually

They can be so loud & suffocating that I have to essentially unplug my brain & switch into a dissociated auto-pilot mode

I am trying my best but I also know that I am stuck in these paralyzing fear cycles that are inevitably holding me back from the living I want to be living

It makes it incredibly painful to wake up every morning, when I don’t like my life

& don’t believe in my own ability to create a life that would make me want to get out of bed everyday

I’m mentally exhausted and it’s affecting more than just myself.

I am deciding to believe in myself from here on out.

Deciding to take back control of my life

Deciding to love myself & treat her more kindly

As well as the people who I love the most

I can do this.