I agree with everything @amysubmits says here, but I wanted to add that thereâs a popular culture persona of a âdominantâ that, like many generalizations and stereotypes, is pretty inaccurate when studied closely, but comes from a true place.
J, my husband and dominant, is a very STOIC man. He doesnât SHOW feelings outwardly very often. Part of this is just general Person in America, Man in Particular socialization, which is largely harmful bullshit. You knowâŚâboys donât cryâ and âbe a manâ and shit like that. But part of it is who he is. Heâs naturally very controlled and reserved. And to some people who havenât taken the time to really know a stoic, controlled person, this can easily read as, âHe doesnât careâŚnothing ever affects himâŚheâs so cold/hard/tough/disengaged/checked out/heartless/whatever.â As a submissive even, in person, I am a pretty mysterious, stoic person too. And Iâve heard those same adjectives and assumptions often used to describe J (and dominants in general) to describe me. But theyâre all untrue. At least in my case, and Jâs as well.
J cares super deeply for me. He is constantly thinking about me, our family, our life together, our relationship, how to make the best decisions for all of us to survive and thrive and succeed. And in order to do that, he HAS to care about my needs and desires and feelings (and my sonâsâŚand whatâs going on in our extended family/group of friends/community and world at large). D/s in general, and dominance in particular, in my opinion, CANNOT be practiced by people who donât care. Kink sure can. But D/s =/= kink. There are people who practice D/s who never touch kink and there are people who practice kink who never touch D/s. And all of thatâs fine if thatâs what youâre into. But a person using a âdominantâ label excuse cavalier and hurtfulâŚmaybe even abusiveâŚbehavior toward another person by claiming that dominants are âsupposed toâ act insensitive and unempathetic to submissives is trying to sell a vulnerable submissive on their own selfish, shitty motives while eliminating guilt.Â
Like Amy said, if you are into degradation/humiliation/objectification type kinks and want to practice that with your partner, go for that. Cool. Not my personal cup of tea, but you do you. The thing is though? I know people who are into those kinks from both sides of the D/s slash, who are of varying genders, and all of them, to a person, want (maybe NEED) to know their partner cares about them and need their partner to know they are cared aboutâŚBEFORE that play ever happens. Thatâs what makes it âplay.âÂ
Dominants do not have to be or even act insensitive to their submissives. Ever. J is not insensitive to me. Ever. In fact, he is the person most caring and sensitive to me in my life, and has been since the literal moment we met.Â
He doesnât cry with me when I am crying. He doesnât beat the shit out of people who have hurt or wronged me. He doesnât shower me with gifts. Heâs not huge on grand gestures and public displays of affection. Heâs a stoic, controlled man. But that doesnât mean heâs insensitive and doesnât care about me, and it doesnât mean he doesnât have feelings, needs, and desires of his own. Thatâs mythology about dominants that I will admit perhaps comes from a place in reality. But itâs NOT reality. Dominance is a grand act of care and emotional sensitivity. It just may not LOOK LIKE a Byron poem or a bed of roses.Â
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