Bryce Quartz

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse

Children laid in their beds knowing St. Nick was near They were bundles of joy filled with Christmas cheer

The internet was quiet, hardly a soul searched for porn

They went to sleep early, awaiting Christmas morn

Like a large, bearded burrito, I laid wrapped in my bed  While visions of corgis danced in my head

But then on my roof, I heard a strange sound  Like a bunch of hoof-steps and then a great pound  I rose from my sleep and put on some pants  I missed one of the leg-holes and did an awkward dance

I heard a loud rustling and thought it was looters With my bat’leth in hand I patrolled for intruders

I saw a dark figure who held a large sack I sneaked in behind and planned my attack I swung and I punched with all of my might But this dastardly fiend hardly put up a fight

I jabbed with my blade, he was pinned to the wall Then I realized he was no intruder at all  This startling discovery gave me great pause For I had just pummeled dear old Santa Claus 

I surveyed his wounds, he was out like a light There was no way he could finish his job on this night I couldn’t ruin Christmas for all the girls and boys  This was my fault, so I would deliver their toys.

I got to the roof and saw Santa’s sleigh  The reindeer were waiting to get underway I hopped aboard and then grabbed the reins  I suddenly realized I had forgotten their names  Now Steve! Now Dave! Now Lenny and John! On Pete! On Phil! On Darryl and Ron!

The sleigh did not move, and they gave me a scoff  I googled their names, I was WAY off

Now Dasher!

Now Dancer!

Now Prancer and Vixen!

On Comet!

On Cupid!

On Donner and Blitzen!

The eight magic reindeer took off in a rush I hurried them on as I shouted, “Mush! Mush!”  We flew ‘cross the moon and jingled our bells  We flew past the ocean and its midnight swells

I slipped down chimneys and delivered the toys  I ate all the cookies left by good girls and boys

Christmas was saved, and I let out a sigh If the children had known, they surely would cry

So yes, I beat up Santa, but he is doing just fine He’ll be back to normal in the nick of time The elves picked him up and treated his wounds  He’s doing very well and will recover quite soon I said a jolly, “Ho ho ho!” when I heard he was alright  And I shouted from on high…

“Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!”

EPILOGUE