Furyās Hot Takes: Paul Phoenix
Okay - Tekken fangirls and fanboys ( or do the kids all say āboizā now - whatever)ā¦ Letās get right down to it.Ā
Take a good hard look at the image belowā¦ Yeah - that one, right there. Nope - youāre not done - linger a few more seconds than youāre comfortable with.
Now ask yourself: āIs THAT thatās the best they can do?! Try as they might - no one can make this moron look cool or even mildly interesting.
Weāre talking about Paul Phoenix and wondering aloud - is there ANYTHING about this star-spangled goof-ball that is even remotely appealing??Ā
I could save you a lot of time and just say:Ā āNo.ā But letās break it down.
We can start with the elephant in the room and just go straight to the hair. I donāt know exactly how muchĀ āproductā this douche uses to make it stand up like that, but it has to be on par with everyoneās favorite fancy lad, Lars.
All I know is that if you needed to defeat Paul Phoenix in battle fast - just flick a match into that mess on the top of his head and itāll go up like a fuckinā roman candle. And when it does it, would literally be visible from the international space station.
But itās the contrast that makes it so perfect - lemme explain what I mean kids. When you look at Paul - he has this sullen and slightly confused expression, permanently fixed to his doughy face. But his hair stands straight up in cartoon-ish alarm. Like he was on an episode of Scooby-fuckinā- doo and saw a ghost.
So combine the glum and confused mug - with the standing straight up doo and you got Paul shuffling around in a perpetual state of what looks likeĀ ādull surprise.ā Which - is kinda accurate.
Dull surpriseā¦ our boyās one size fits all emotion for every occasion.
While Iām sure you all know plenty about ME(Bryan Fury - you know the guy thatās writing all this!) - youāll also know I go back a few years. Thatās a nice way of saying Iām OLD. I remember some of the early renderings of Paul from back in the 80s and 90s.Ā
Back then, his āpeopleā were trying to play him off as some kind of punk rock dude. He was a lot skinnier and still looked like a dork - that is his most timeless quality - but at least handlers were trying to do something with him.Ā
Now - theyāve beefed him up and stuck a beard on him and drapped flags all over his ass, until heās heās just a star-spangled freakinā mess. Maybe theyāre hoping he can do a guest spot as a celebrity announcer at some monster truck rally in Saskatoon.
He really should be working on his fighting style because - news flash - that sucks too.
[Get used to this kind of thing happening a lot Paulā¦]
Okay - Iāll give him this much credit - Paul Phoenix has this spiffy little fire-punch thing he does. But it takes him so damn long wind that shit up, that he gets clobbered before he can deliver the goods. Heād probably be really good at interrogating some poor slob thatās tied to a chair - but in a straight up fight - TOO SLOW.Ā
Maybe he could wipe the floor with Xioās disturbing as fuck - pet panda (more on that pervy-ass thing in another post) or Liliās dainty, old as the hills butler - whatāsisnameā¦ But even then - that old dudeās still breathing - sooo, itās really anybodyās guess who would win that snooze-fest of a battle.
[Actual picture of Paul trying to think - itās kind of unsettling when he does thatā¦]
Finally, I shall (mercifully) end this entry with a quick comment about Paulās mental capacity. In short - I think heās been hit in the head WAY too much to be effective.Ā
Iāve got a brown recluse spider that lives above my sink (her nameās Rosie and sheās beautiful) but the point is - Rosie can problem solve and and apply tactics much more rapidly and effectively than Paul could ever hope to achieve.Ā
He just barely fulfills the requirements for basic, linear thought.Ā
Case in point - at the last Tekken tournament, I ran into him in the ready room.Ā
Phoenix was focused like a laser on his phone. He was wagglinā his big eraser shaped head - scowlinā and mutterinā away. I watched as he jabbed his big stubby fingers on the screen, and swiped at shit. Then he inexplicably held it flat in the palm of his hand and held it over his head for a momentā¦ just sort ofā¦ waiting. Of course, nothing happened. Then heād shake his head and start jabbinā and swipin again.
After watching this sad little scene for a few minutes, I finally thought Iād help the the poor slob (Hey - Iām not ALL bad). So, I went over and asked him what the fuck he was doing.Ā
Turned out this genius wanted to get some aerial pics of the tournament and was putting his phone into (I shit you not) āairplane modeā so it wouldā¦ fly.Ā
Classic Paul - you canāt make this kind of crap up.
I considered humanely euthanizingĀ him right then and there - but instead - I patted him on the shoulder and told him he was real close and to keep trying then, just walked away.
So thatās the hot take on Phoenix. When you see me beating his ass in the tournament - donāt feel too bad. He doesnāt really feel it - his nervous system isnāt advanced enough.
Bryan Fury here - I was horrified and deeply insulted to see this old post got no reactions. So Iām re-blogging it. Either it was buried in a flurry of other posts - or - there are WAY more Paul Phoenix fans out there than I expected. Iām puttinā my money onĀ āpost flurry.ā Now back to beatinā up people...
