How to Handle a Money Fight
With my first wedding anniversary coming up, I thought it would be time to share what Iāve learned in 365 days of marriage: how to handle a money fight.Everyone knows that money is one of the biggest causes of divorce. So how can you prevent finances from destroying your relationship? Read below
Everyone knows that money is one of the biggest causes of divorce. So how can you prevent finances from destroying your relationship? Read my tips below.
Give Them All the Information
In many relationships, one person has all the financial control. This is only bad if during a fight, you use your knowledge against the other person. The person with the control feels incredible responsibility for managing the finances, paying the bills and figuring out how much the couple has to save.
The other person is living in the dark. They have no idea if everything is getting paid, if the retirement fund is full and if youāre ok if anything bad happens.
So if you bring up a money issue, make sure to put it in context. Saying, āweāre brokeā can put your partner on edge if what you really mean is, āWe spent $200 more than we earned last month.ā Remember that your partner may not have all the information that you do, so give that to them before saying what youāre worried about.
This is something Iāve learned to do. Since Iām the one in charge of managing our budget, I have 99% of the financial insight about our relationship. Not giving my partner the context to understand whatās going on can lead to unnecessary anxiety and confusion.
A money fight is not about numbers, dollar signs or math. Itās about control, freedom and emotions. If you tell your husband that heās overspending, heās going to feel patronized and stifled. If he tells you that youāre saving too much, youāre going to feel like he doesnāt understand what youāre doing.
Money fights can get heated quickly. If you want to bring up a money issue, take a page from my book. I often get nervous during stressful discussions, so I try writing out my feelings beforehand. This is something I do all the time since my anxiety often clouds my thoughts and makes it hard to express what Iām really feeling.
Donāt wait until your boyfriend has spent rent money on an Xbox One before you bring up your money concerns. Having a money fight is like any other fight. The longer you dwell on the issues, the more heated you will be. These fights should be as calm and neutral as possible. The faster you bring something up, the more likely you can resolve it without tears or yelling.
Choose your timing carefully. Donāt wait until the end of the night to show him a budget spreadsheet or while youāre shopping for Christmas presents. Make sure to consider his point of view before starting the discussion; you donāt want to enter it with an agenda or pre-conceived notions about why he did something.
Itās a Learning Process
Merging two lives is a beautiful, complex process. Donāt be surprised if you have some kinks getting it sorted out. And even though you both may be speaking the same language, understanding what the other person wants can take time (and many discussions).
Remember to compromise. If youāre used to being the money manager, learn that your way cannot be the only way. This is something I really struggled with. Iām a personal finance writer and blogger ā shouldnāt my opinion count MORE? Turns out, both peopleās thoughts matter in a marriage.
Honestly having my more laidback husband involved in our family finances has been so helpful. Itās helped me let go of the OCD approach I used to have toward budgeting. I donāt have to account for every dollar of our budget. He lets me know itās ok to buy something I really want and that itās also ok to save for something important, like our future rental property.
Ā (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});
How to Handle a Money Fight was originally published on Debt Free After Three
