Like A Reclaimed Bad Part Of Town

I am so frustrated with trying to hang out with the two women I’ve been in contact with on and off for the last two years (who bizarrely have the exact same first and last names) and I’m just giving up and moving on to putting myself out there the old fashioned way. On the internet.

I am relieved that she didn’t cancel today, and that she wants to move forward with doing EMDR. I feel like the only way I’m ever going to get out of the habit of ignoring, burying, or silently bearing the weight of all of my trauma is to just… face it. Work through it, and reprocess it. It’s a deeply overwhelming thought, because even she seemed stalled as to where to begin. I have a traumatic and emotionally abusive childhood to face, bullying and sexual trauma as a teenager, and sexual abuse as an adult… But the truth is, it’s going to be hard no matter where we start. I’ve been in and out of therapy my entire life, and I’ve never had a roadmap with someone for tackling it all…so I feel good that she is at least putting the pieces together and forming a plan of attack with me.

I can’t be the kind of wife or mother I want to be until I deal with this. I’m not saying that I’m bad at either of those things, but I want to feel good… And I just don’t. I think a lot of us millennials make a practice out of being externally successful adults while suffering internally. When there is a child involved, there is really no excuse for not making every effort to be your best, and set the example of taking care of yourself and facing your demons.

This is especially relevant on the heels of my recent raise. I can’t really detail out why, but suffice to say the above is the way I handle interactions with my boss, and it’s yielded me a surprisingly good review (he doesn’t seem to like any of his employees) and a higher % raise than average.

I also have a neurology appointment I’ve been dreading, because the guy likes to wax poetic about what a good patient I am since I’m “teachable” and I “listen to learn” aka I tell him what a good doctor he is, claim never to google anything, and placate his request that I use only specific terminology he has approved to describe my symptoms until he gives me what I want.

Spent almost all day in my bathing suit, which makes it the first day since the temps turned in May that truly felt like a classic RI summer day.

Dealing with the absolute horror that is budget season in a new system that is broken by posting unhinged close stories on IG instead of interacting with any of my friends or family because i simply have nothing left for real world interaction.

I’m fun.

We stayed out until after midnight. With the child in tow.