Brother X

By Brother X

A few months have passed since the Great Sigep Shitfuck of 2015 and it’s time to spill the beans, friends. My old friend Johnnie Walker has joined me for the recounting of this tale and he insists that I get it out for the benefit of the world at large. So I’ve dusted the cobwebs off my keyboard and after a long summer (spelunking in Buenos Aires, fist fighting to Barry Manilow songs, etc.), I’ve decided to give you the red pill, Morpheus style. So fire up a stogie, pull a loved one close to you, and get yourself settled in as I tell you just what happened to the good ol’ boys earlier this year.

It all started spring of 2015. FIU Sigep came out of the Christmas break like a soaring falcon, that is, if the falcon was the greatest amongst all the other falcons and was the dominant force in the falcon community. The first week of school, Sigep threw their first ever Dean’s List party, a party that shattered previous attendance records of any FIU Greek party and shut down at least 5 city blocks. The semester continued on a blazing note as they recruited about twenty-five promising young men for their spring new member class. As of March, the brothers had secured another intramural sports championship, and pushed a chapter-wide effort to raise $20,000 towards the Buoniconti Fund for spinal cord injury research. They subsequently threw a huge military themed bash, and followed with the ever-famous Si Te Cojo Te Mojo, a party that can only be described as Project X during the day and with a lot of water. Brotherhood was at an all time high within the chapter. We would later learn that Sigep ranked third academically amongst FIU’s fraternites (including the intercultural ones). They were the Roman Empire. But Rome did fall…

Enter the Chaplain. “Chaplain” is a position on the executive board of every Sigep chapter across the nation. The Chaplain’s job is basically to ensure that the chapter is not getting into trouble, and that they are living by the standards of the fraternity’s ritual.

For discretion’s sake, I will not reveal the Chaplain’s identity, but if I had to describe his personality, I would say that being with him was like sitting through a Twilight marathon—all sparkles and self-loathing. The young man had previously built a reputation as a simple gym freak and found a new sense of stability with his shiny new position and apparently a new relationship. The boy was out to redefine himself.

The Chaplain began his path of self-discovery by graciously taking in all the new members under his maternal wing. He began taking each one to the gym or to lunch individually and getting to know each one of them on a personal level. Out of nowhere, a beautiful mutually beneficial relationship bloomed. The Chaplain found a new support group to help him on his mighty quest for righteousness, and the new members found a new mommy who was actually nice to them amongst a fraternity that was otherwise challenging them on a daily basis. The Chaplain was seen less and less by his brothers. Eventually, he felt that the poor new members were being challenged in the wrong ways. I can only speculate that he wanted total control over the fate of his new homies. He decided to take action. Several meetings, emails, and phone calls took place between Sigep National Headquarters and the young Chap and soon, the brothers received word from nationals that there would be a full membership review, conducted by nationals, because they believed the chapter had alcohol and hazing issues.

The proverbial shit started making its way towards the fan. When the chapter found out what the Chaplain had done, they unanimously impeached him and booted him from all forms of communication with the chapter. During an emergency meeting, the Chaplain stood in front of his chapter and expressed his sincerest apologies for what he had done, and told how he deeply regretted his actions. Days later, he was spotted having lunch with representatives from the national fraternity, with much gusto.

The membership review hit the brothers like a diarrhea hurricane. The reps from nationals interviewed every single brother individually, pressuring each one to give up names of brothers that could be potential threats to the standards of the organization.  Nobody budged. When the process was over, nationals sent out expulsion letters to roughly 80 percent of the hundred-man chapter. Most of the brothers that were invited to return declined. All that was left was the Chaplain, his posse of new members, a couple of brothers, and a deep, deep sense of “what the fuck just happened.”

FIU Sigep’s executive board, including the new president, is now composed of those new members with the Chaplain very comfortably reinstated into his position. If you see pictures of them at their Sigep events or campus events over the summer, they all have smiles from ear to ear, arms around each other’s shoulders with the greatest sense of accomplishment in their demeanors. I would say to the new members what Sigep brother John Goodman said in The Big Lebowski: “Shut the fuck up, Donny. You are out of your element. You are like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie.”

I heard that the brothers went underground and go by the name of “Sigex” now, supposedly. It’s a damn shame about what happened, but they really will be just fine. It’s not like they forgot how to college, and trust me, they stick together.

Upon reflection of the matter, there are some things that could be considered noteworthy, especially when looking towards the future. Firstly, the actions taken by the Chaplain should be considered. There is nothing wrong with having issues with the way things are being run, but take the issues up with your own brothers that shared their friendship with you, like a man. I do not hate the Chaplain, nor do I think anyone should. No really. I see him more like a known Shakespearean archetype, the “innocent babe.” She is a tragic character, an agent of malignancy, whether this causes—or, in comedy, seems to cause—death. She is young, often very young, and knows nothing. Is this a comedy? Who knows.

Now let’s take a look at how the national organization handled the situation. What exactly does Sigep National preach? If you do not see eye to eye with your brothers, stage a coup? If you are in doubt, it’s actually best to report straight to nationals first, rather than try to solve a problem amongst your fellows? It is best to terminate an entire majority of a group of college students’ most treasured experiences because you think they might potentially pose a problem? Deception, secret meetings, and lies should be rewarded? These are not exaggerations, but what actually happened. If this is what Sigep really stands for, then the brothers are better off. Their individual characters are a testimony to that. By the way, what great precedents have been set for you guys still in the chapter! If something goes wrong (and something always goes wrong), all you have to do is backstab all your brothers and Sigep will have your back. Good luck.

With a five-minute interview for each brother, they kicked to the curb a group of men that had given their hearts and souls to that organization for a long time. For an organization that prides itself on building “balanced men,” you could not find a group more balanced than the men at FIU Sigep. If you looked at the short list of brothers that were invited back for membership, it looked as if they were picked out of a hat. Sigep Nationals, you had no idea who the group of men at FIU Sigep really was.