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Give into cravings and eat shit 1100000 cals and then mope about how weak I am.

I wish I looked as small as I feel.

I've done it again. I've let myself pile on weight without even considering the consequences. Consequences like my father seeing me after he was so proud id lost the weight. Consequences like moving to a country where being fat is a disease. Consequences like how I feel when I bend over and feel the rolls forming. I'm a disgusting human being who does nothing but scoff food and whine about what happens next. I really need to stick to the salads and run off the extra weight.

This is my second full day of having nothing but 1 Apple to keep me going. I'm already down 4.5lbs. That's the only good thing that's happened to me. My final piece of work was one mark off of what I wanted and my friends are discussing my life and acting like its ridiculous of me to be angry.

I've put on weight again. I was so close to 130, and now I'm 139 and I'm so fucking disgusted with myself. When did I start measuring my worth by my weight?

For the small price of a lifetime of self loathing, pain and starvation, you can have the body you thought you wanted without realising you've ruined your life and your body. You don't hear it enough, but perfection isn't a thing. There is no body type that is the best. Being thin isn't life. Being happy is life. It's not the easiest thing to achieve but you'll damage yourself so much less by trying to achieve it.

I'm slowly losing again. I'm hoping that by freshers I'll be 7 stone 10. I've got a month and a half to lose 2 stone and six pounds. I'm capable of losing a pound a day, but only if I'm brave and stick it out with no distractions.

I'm going to see a professional at some point about my ADHD and I'm debating whether to discuss what could potentially be an eating disorder. I don't know what to do, but I don't know whether I can deal with this. I've got no support, be it negative or positive.