Life is not a love song

“Can you people get out of my way? I have a date today.” the eye rolls in the room were unanimous. He’d expected that. It didn’t keep a smile from spreading across his features as he spotted her, head shaking, half-smile on her face. “Jude Ashmore, I thought you’d never ask.” the girl in question responded, her hand reaching out for his extended on. “Just return her in 6 months, be my guest till then.” Quincy shrugged from his spot at the breakfast nook.

There was a sarcastic laugh, “Q, you couldn’t handle a week without me, nevermind six months. My boys would be raising themselves.” mock hurt crossed Quincy’s face, as his niece upon his lap tilted her head to the side and stuck her tongue out. “Just remember, you keep mine ...I keep yours.” his arms tightened around Eleanor, pulling a giggle that still made Jude’s head swirl. “You do that. Raise your sister a second time.”

Both men’s eyes met in mock horror. It was then that Jude decided it was time to get out.

The end of May was quickly approaching and spring was finally beginning to allow summer to peak through in spurts. Jude was content with the sunshine and warming weather, even if it was happening slower than normal.

As he led Ceecee towards the car he turned up the chivalry even more than normal as Jamie watched from the front bay window. Opening the passenger door he felt the playful hit to his shoulder as she commented to him that he didn’t have to do that, “Nephew of mine’s going to be a little gentleman, just like his father and I Cees, therefore I do have to.”

A last wave and he was clipping the safety belt into place and starting the car as Ceecee poked at the roof impatiently, waiting for the top to be put down. He obliged before peeling out of the driveway just to show off, his phone would go off with a complaint within seconds.

“This is nice, why don’t we do this more often.” “...we do this every month.” “oh right”

It was easy to make Cecilia laugh these days, laughs that actually met her eyes. “I do recall last month you made me drink an entire bottle of Riesling that I special ordered for you ...and refused to tell me why.” not that he hadn’t had his guesses of course. He just was too respectful to question her then, “have I mentioned how happy for you guys I am?” “only 100 times.” “well I am.” he knew she wasn’t questioning it.

She also knew it couldn’t be the easiest news.

They were silent for a moment, “Cecilia, don’t you do it. Don’t shrink me.” it was too late for the warning, “I’m just saying Jude, if you need any space from all of this it can be done.” the dramatic sigh he pulled out was one that probably would have fit Waverly best. “Ceecee, what happened last year…” he began as he kept his eyes locked on the road. “It just wasn’t meant to be. I probably could have told you that from the beginning.” they all could have told him that.

“Weather Allison would have worked out in the long run or not, that was still your son Jude. You’re allowed to grieve and be upset.” the only problem with Quincy’s wife was her master’s degree in psychology. “Cees…” he began, casting a look her way as he stopped at a red light, “December was tough, yes, but you and I both know that I’ve learned not to linger in moments.” he’d done enough of that, it had cost him three years of his daughter’s life, he wasn’t about to lose any more time.

Silence filled the car for a moment.

“So you and Wave…” and there was the question he’d been expecting her to ask. “...are doing great with the co-parenting thing.” that was all. They hadn’t even talked about any switching gears or blurring lines. Over the past two years, they’d learned how to be friends, to be parents to a very smart and intuitive nearly five-year-old. “We’re friends Cees, I don’t know if that’ll ever change. But we’re friends.” it had taken a while to get to that point, and finally they’d somehow made it.

For nearly a year now they had been on a good track. She’d even taken his baby news last July better than he’d expected her to. Maybe it showed that they were both growing up, or maybe it was growing apart, he wasn’t exactly sure. All he knew was that their level ground had been great for Eleanor.

Waverly would always be the axes point of his world, she and Eleanor both. But whatever happened was out of either one of their controls, they both knew that. Their history was vast and complicated.

The light turned green and Jude stepped on the gas, car lurching forward a little harsher than intended. There were times when he still had trouble judging his footing post-accident

“You never did tell me how happy Q was when you told him.” they’d been trying for years for another little. He could see the lust for it in Cecilia’s eyes whenever she held Zoe. “I think he called you the second I told him Jude. Even though I warned him that that wasn’t…” she trailed off, she’d caught the glare he’d sent her out of the corner of his eye, good. “The mom in me has to worry about you Jude.” she’d been the worrier even before she’d had the boys. “Is he hoping for a girl?” “of course he is. Me? I’m good at being a boy mom, I know how to be a boy mom.”

Right before your eyes, I’m breaking

Jude didn’t wait a second after Fi had offered him the baby. These were the moments in the day that he waited for. There was something about her innocence that allowed him to pretend for a second that things weren’t as complicated as they sounded everywhere they looked.

Reaching out for the baby he held her away from him for a moment, supporting her neck in his hands and looking her over. He could see all the bits of Fiona in her and it made a smile push at his face as he pulled her closer for a moment to kiss the side of her head and breathe in her baby scent. They weren’t wrong when they said there was something about an infants scent that was intoxicating.

“Are you driving your mama nuts? Because remember what we talked about, that’s an important part of your existence now.”

           He cooed to his niece.

           This was different from being with Theo and Jamie. There was something about Zoë that made him feel almost like he had those moments with Eleanor that he’d never get. It was also all of that that made a lump in his throat tighten further, moments that he’d never get back with his daughter.

           Looking back up at Fi he smiled slightly, a saddened smile that he was having more trouble than he’d like to admit with.

“You know, she’s so much like her mother it’s scary sometimes.”

           Not that there was anything wrong with it. He’d always love Waverly, all of her shortcomings and mistakes alike. It was just breathtaking to see someone so small have such a big personality and mind. He wouldn’t have believed it possible if he didn’t see it with his own eyes everyday.

“I hate not being with her every second you know, I don’t know how you did it with this one for so long.”

           As he shifted the baby into the crook of his arm he held his free hand out for her, allowing her to play with his fingers and hold onto them as tightly as her little grasp allowed, she had a grip like her mother, the little girl was without question tough. Look at what she’d already been through in her few months of life. Including her unexpected and early entrance that he still blamed himself for.

           Making his way over to sit down on the edge of the bed a breath was harsher than he’d meant it to come out. His mind was full – too full.

“I have a date this weekend.”

           A date, Jude wasn’t sure he even knew how to date anymore. After all he’d gone from Luna to Wave without any real pause in between and he’d been so swept up in Waverly it wasn’t something he thought he’d ever do again.

           What even was customary anymore? Was he supposed to bring her flowers and open car doors? Waverly hated it when he opened doors for her. This was not supposed to be where his thoughts were. Lilly didn’t need to already be compared to what he’d done in the past with Wave. No one needed comparison to that.

“I didn’t… say anything to your sister about it”

           He hesitated, he knew he didn’t need to. After all, she had a boyfriend and they didn’t talk about any of that. Their conversations were about their daughter and that was about where it all stopped. He just wasn’t sure how to go about all of this.

“It’s probably nothing serious, she’s just been trying for weeks and I guess with Valentine’s Day being here and all…”

           Officially, he’d lost it. Here he was mumbling out the thoughts inside of his head to his best friend rather than really taking part in the conversation. At least it was Fi, he knew that if anyone would let him just talk and get his words out it was Fiona.

           God knew it wasn’t Quincy. Quincy had called them both idiots for not trying harder. Like it was something that was just easy with all of the time that had passed.

I’ll never do you no harm

“There’s my girl”

           Handing off the sleeping toddler to Charlie he found himself not pausing as he had in the very beginning. Instead, he’d come to accept the fact that Charlie was a huge part of his daughter’s life, just as he was for his ex girlfriend.

           Jude leaned in and kissed her head one more time, watching as her bright blue eyes opened for a moment before scrunching tightly as she curled up closer into Charlie’s arms.

“Wave out?”

           Placing Eleanor’s backpack down on the back of the chair he looked around casually, trying not to allow himself to get too expectant. They had said their piece and had been relatively civil as of late. The whole thing was still… weird.

“Yeah, she texted me a little while ago and said that she and Brenan were running late.”

           The boyfriend.

           Holding himself back from rolling his eyes he elected to nod instead. It wasn’t like there was anything wrong with Brenan. In fact, Brenan was probably good for her. Respectable upstanding restaurant owner who had his own four-year-old kid from a relationship that had fallen apart. In fact, Brenan had even consulted him prior to ever meeting Eleanor or starting anything with Waverly.

           And it wasn’t as if he’d been exactly a saint himself.

“For what it’s worth, I don’t like him either.”

           His look must have given too much away. Playing it off like he had no idea what Charlie was talking about he heard the other man let out a light laugh. Maybe he wasn’t that great at hiding all of his emotions anymore. At least he tried.

           Running a hand though his hair he let his eyes wander to his daughter again as she slept contently in Charlie’s arms, thankfully not hearing a word they were saying. The last thing he really needed was for Wave to think he was trying to put any sort of bias into their daughter’s head. Because that was just not something that he ever would have done, regardless of how he felt.

“Remind her that I’ll be by on Wednesday?”

           Picking up the shopping bag off the counter he watched as Charlie nodded his head and headed with his little girl further into the house to lay her down somewhere safe and warm. If there was one thing good about Charlie, it was just how much of a damn he gave about Eleanor. There was never a question if she was safe with him.

           With a final glance he let himself out of the apartment. This was the most difficult part of the day, not being able to spend more time with her, not being the one to put her to bed or comfort her.

           Walking to the elevator he pressed the button for up. With the storm coming his joints just weren’t acting the way they should have been. Since the accident he’d been a hit or a miss with when he felt great and when all he wanted to do was take a couple of pain pills and lay in bed watching stupid television shows.

           The elevator made it’s slow crawl up the floors to where Fi, Auggie and sometimes Teddy resided along with a little face that he couldn’t seem to get enough of. That was one of the reasons for his stop, because he’d seen the little onsie and hadn’t been able to stop himself. My Uncle is My Valentine was written across the little thing in red letters with a big heart. Of course, it would probably be vetoed by her mother and father but he had to at least make an attempt.

           Lifting his fist as he got to the door of the apartment he knocked on it three times before twisting the door handle and letting himself inside.

“Fi?”

           He called out, hearing her voice and following it though the sea of toys that had graced the apartment immediately following the arrival of little Zoë back to the home that she’d belonged in from the get go of things. Seeing it all now brought a tide of emotions through him, a reminder of just how quickly whole lives could change in just a couple of short weeks.

           It had only been thirteen weeks since he’d reshown up in his own life and it still seemed like just yesterday that he’d held his daughter and seen Waverly’s brown eyes up close again for the first time. Time was a funny and fickle thing.

           Nearing the open bedroom door he could hear the happy cooing from inside already. There wasn’t a question as to the fact that Zoë hands down adored every second of being reunited, not only that but how much Fiona glowed lately was infectious to him. Seeing her happy made everything else feel not as trivial.

“Sounds like someone’s in a good mood tonight. Could a visit from her favorite uncle make things better? Don’t worry, I haven’t broken the news to Uncle Q.”

           With the bag outstretched with all pink tissue and bows he let himself into the room further and walked to take a seat on the corner of the bed.

           There was one thing about seeing Zoë that got to him most though. His thoughts often tended to wander over to what Eleanor had to have been like at her age. It reminded him of how much he’d missed out on and how much he’d never get back. That was an ache that he knew he’d have to stomach for the rest of his life. One that he tended to hold against both himself and Waverly more than either one of them probably deserved.

“You said there was nothing in the world that could stop it.”

           She wondered if there would ever be an age where these things didn’t make her nervous. The best part was she wasn’t even sure why it did. Looking at the rectangle shaped box with the directions sprawled out beside it she covered her mouth with her hands and stared, a reflex she could remember doing at seventeen. One plastic applicator could so drastically change lives, a single piece of plastic that could make or break a life.

           The time on the clock ticked past slowly as she glanced up at the red apple shaped clock above Quincy and Cecilia’s fridge. These things seemed to have a way of controlling time too. They were evil little devices that were probably to some people blessings and happiness. For Wave, they were the meaning of fear typically, of moments that she preferred not to think about. In her past experiences, they were carelessness on a stick.  

She blew a dark strand of hair from her face, it was still strange to not see bleach blonde, it had been exactly the same for years, she couldn’t remember the last time it had been so close to her original hair color. Reaching up she ran her fingers through it, tucking the stray strands behind her ear.

“Are you sitting here staring at that thing?”

           Cecelia’s voice made her head turn to look at the figure who’d just entered the room, her arms full of a sick sleeping four year old. Theo had been sent home from school the day before and still hadn’t felt quite up to par when he’d gotten up in the morning. As Cecilia walked closer to the table she put her arms out for the child.

           She could remember the months before Jamie had been born, how much time she and Jude had spent with baby Theo so that Ceecee and Quincy could get a little bit of sleep before adding double the chaos to their home. Theo had been one of the reasons she’d decided to go off the pill before she’d gotten pregnant with Eleanor in the first place. Jude had been such a natural with him. His entire world had suddenly stopped to revolve around the baby every time Theo was placed in his arms.

           Not looking up at Ceecee she took Theo and cuddled him closer to her, her lips brushing his warm forehead. She’d missed so much time with the boys. So much time that in the past couple of months she’d only begun to make up for. She still had a whole lot more making up for it to do. The boys and Eleanor were her main focus for the year, to garner a little more involvement with her family.

“How are the two of you? Any progress?”

           With a sigh she pulled her eyes from Theo and looked back up at Ceecee. These were the questions she dreaded the most. Her shoulders rose and fell in a shrug as she attempted to cultivate her words enough to explain anything.

           They weren’t exactly on speaking terms, it had been since Christmas, it was just easier to not talk than to have it land them in bed where he got up in the morning and left, leaving her alone and questioning what it was even worth.

“That good, huh?”

           Instead they took their turns with Eleanor, they were cordial and careful, but there really wasn’t anything more than discussing their daughter. The whole thing killed her and she wanted nothing more than to have spent the mornings sharing coffee and discussing their day instead. But this was the hand of cards that they were playing with now.

“He’s coping with everything. I guess we both are. I honestly don’t know.”

           The amount of excuses she’d tried to make for the situations that they were in she couldn’t come up with any more, she was too tired. In time they would hopefully discuss it all. For now she’d drop it, she wasn’t about to hassle him for answers or anything else. The honeymoon phase of him being home was over, now it was time to get to the bottom of things and figure out where to rebuild from.

           She could just hope that when rebuilding it lead them in some way back to one another.

“You guys will be fine. He still looks at you like you’re the only person on the planet you know.”

           They had been the same words that her brother had uttered out, so of course part of her believed them. No one knew what went on in Jude’s head better than Quincy, at least, it had always been Quincy. They’d had a bond like no other, she’d grown up watching that.

“I hope you’re right.”

           As she said it the kitchen timer went off indicating that it was time to check the results on the test. To see if the future was changing or not. Reaching forward she picked the test up off of the counter in front of her with the hand that wasn’t supporting a sleeping child. She tipped the window to her view before looking up at Ceecee who looked impatient.

“Better luck next time.”

           She shook her head no, before handing the stick back in Cecilia’s direction. The other girl took it from her hand and scowled at it for a moment before wadding up the directions in a ball and getting up to toss all of the evidence into the trash.

“All I want for christmas is you”

“Oh I wasn’t going to deny that one. Only if you were Quincy.”

           A smirk cut at her features at her sister’s words as she picked up the mac and cheese and passed it right over to Fi. She’d called that one, the mac and cheese she meant. Jude had been the one who’d tried to press upon the fact that protein and everything else was important. She’d be sure to mention to him that she was right when it came to Fi’s likes.

           Was it really that obvious that relations were occurring? On second thought if anyone thought that the bruises on his neck were from anyone else they would have been sorely mistaken. She’d marked him up pretty good the night before in mental retaliation of the woman who’d attempted to sway him to meeting her at the bar Saturday night.

“We took Eleanor to see Santa yesterday and you know some woman tried to hit on him? Invited him to Yesterdays on top of it all. I don’t… a guy is coming to a line where kids are meeting Santa and just because there’s no ring on his finger you shamelessly hit on him?”

           Well so much for getting over that one and keeping it to herself. They weren’t together, why was she having such a hard time admitting any of that one? She had no rights as to what women did to him or didn’t do. Not that she was actually worried about any of that. He seemed pretty content in her bed.

“I just don’t get it.”

           She whined as she popped open the lid of the chicken and took a tiny piece out, placing it in the palm of her hand and attempting to entice Bear with it. If there was no baby for her to spoil than the puppy was just going to have to do. Maybe the puppy would trust her more with out a toddler trying to unintentionally squeeze her brains out.

“Speaking of talking to Jude all day, what did you guys talk about?”

           Fishing, she inquired, wanting to know without actually asking if anything that she’d seen this morning had come up in their conversations. If he’d said anything about the scar she’d seen on his wrist and hadn’t gotten the chance to really ask him about just yet. It wasn’t a conversation to have in front of their three year old, especially not by the way he’d reacted when she’d caught sight of it first thing in the morning.

“Through the years we all will be together”

Letting herself into the apartment she flipped on the Christmas lights,  why did everyone always forget to turn on all of the Christmas lights? She couldn’t understand. Where was the Christmas spirit? Why did they have to be shut off during the day? You couldn’t see half of the pretty ornaments if the lights were all shut off.

With her hands full of take out boxes she kicked the door shut behind her. She could hear the television coming from Fi’s room and suspected that the puppy was probably curled up beside her, probably napping after a day at Sugar Flowers. Fi had to have been exhausted. Getting back into the swing of things couldn’t have been easy for her.

“Dinner’s here”

           She and Jude had both taken turns arguing what Fi, Auggie, and Teddy would have picked at. With a mix of veggie pasta, mac and cheese with asparagus, mac and cheese sans the asparagus, and chicken marsala they’d had everything packed up and ready to be brought back.

“Jude and I couldn’t decide what any of you would want so there’s ton of food.”

           Pausing by the cupboards she picked up a plate and a fork and stacked it on top of the food containers before continuing on her way into Fi’s bedroom.

           She’d met Jude mid afternoon and they’d taken Eleanor out to do a bit of Christmas shopping, Letting Eleanor pick out presents for her uncles and aunts. They’d had to reel Eleanor in a couple of times from trying to pick Fi up a baby doll to replace the baby that she didn’t understand why was missing. But that had been about the only hiccup in the plan.

“How was work today? Did it feel strange being back?”

           Talking perhaps to herself as she walked down the hall she balanced the items in her hands as she booted the door open with her shoe, peaking her head in as the puppy raised it’s head.

           If there was ever a happier puppy she hadn’t known her. The little thing seemed to never leave FI’s side when they were in the same room together. Perhaps it was just that or having the fate of Eleanor trying to strangle her with love when they were in the same room together. Had she been the puppy she probably would have stayed by the comforting adult too.

“Come on, I need some human interaction while the other two are downstairs reading books and I swear talking in code. I don’t get it…”

           Eleanor was attached to her father, the way she looked at him was as if he’d hung the stars. Which granted on a level Wave could understand, he might as well have with how warm and perfect he was. But there was just a bond there that went above and beyond anything she’d ever seen.

“He’s on sleep detail tonight. Then leaving? Maybe? I don’t even know anymore.”

           Plopping down on the corner of the bed with the food in her lap she sighed, louder than she meant to, almost sounding like a frustrated child as she did so. That was probably more of the old Wave than she’d felt like in days.

“I will never let you fall, I’ll stand up with you forever” 

“Mommy?”

           The warmth of the bed around her started a tug of war with her as the little voice outside of the room called out. It was time to get up and adult, or at least mom. Stretching out her hand came in contact with something warm on the other side of her bed. Blinking her eyes open they fell upon him, still sound asleep and her eyes grew. Shit.

“Mommyyyy”

           The little voice whined again as the door handle was played with. Shit, shit, shit. She cleared her throat, pushing the haze of sleep away from her as she found her voice while shaking the male next to her awake.

“Hold on baby, I’ll be right there”

           She called in the direction of the door as sapphire eyes blinked open and stared at her in confusion for a moment. What was this? He was never asleep later than her, there were very rare cases of that reported and yet here he was in the middle of her bed only just beginning to come around even though it was probably after 8 in the morning.

           Oh right, vodka shots while wrapping presents from Santa. She wasn’t sure whose bright idea that had been, wait, probably hers. When liquor was involved it was typically always her fault. He’d made sure to point that one out time and time again.

“You need to leave, like, without her seeing you”

           Getting out of the bed she didn’t even give him the time to really focus his eyes on her as she grabbed his tee shirt and threw it at him, her tone hushed as she found sweatpants and a tee shirt to throw on. This was a mess, this was not the image that she wanted to put out for Eleanor, the little girl had enough confusion in her life as it was, why add any more into it?

           He was sitting up in bed and running his hand through his hair when she shot him a dirty look for not moving fast enough. She needed him to pick up the pace, there was a three year old outside the door that was probably more than ready to jump into bed and have a little more cuddle time before getting up for the day. At least that was what Eleanor had done lately.

“Wave…”

           She almost faltered at the tone of his voice as she heard the mattress in back of her squeak and bend with the sound of him getting up from it. Instantly she looked at him with her lips to her fingers as she watched him get dressed, lecturing herself for the act mentally. Had it been any other time she probably would have thrown all caution to the wind and slipped back into all old habits. But shocking even herself she stood completely firm on it.

“Don’t Wave me, you and I have a lot to sort out right now. I don’t want to make her any more confused by all of this.”

           The look he was giving her made her stop her movements and her glare softened as he stepped closer to her then. The way he bit his bottom lip was one of her weaknesses and she could feel her struggle to remain in control waning quickly. God damnit.

“I get it, I’m not complaining. I’m going to head to Sugar Flowers and see Fi for a bit anyway, I’ve got a little bit of Christmas shopping to do. What about dinner tonight? Can I pick you two up?”

           His hand was on the side of her neck and she closed her eyes as she leaned against him. They needed to talk, to really talk and get everything out. She knew that, they had a lot of learning to do considering the events of the past three years that had come up and caused chaos.

“I’m proud of you, you know? All of this…”

           When he leaned in and pressed his lips against hers she deepened the kiss, morning breath and all. All she wanted to do was to pull him back into bed and let Eleanor snuggle between them for a little while longer. She didn’t like the day until it was afternoon anyway. Sighing as he pulled away she started to turn her head before he’d removed his hands from her hair.

           It was in that simple second that she caught sight of something she hadn’t seen before. Grabbing onto his arm in both of her hands she dragged it in front of her so that she could get a better look. Looking up at him he met her eyes for a briefest of seconds before looking away and pulling his arm away from her.

“Jude…”

           Grabbing his jacket off of the floor he avoided her, she could tell that was exactly what he was doing which only made her more concerned. The scar there merited a conversation, granted they couldn’t very well get into it when she was in the middle of kicking him out to go take care of their daughter.

           But the white line stood out prominent against his wrist. A married mark that didn’t look to be an accidental scar across his wrist. But before she could say another word the little wrapping sound was back at the door, waiting impatiently to begin her day.

“We’ll talk, I love you. Go distract her so I can get out of here.”

           With a pit in her stomach she listened to him, regaining herself the best she could as she opened the door and feigned a smile, picking Eleanor up and pulling her away from the door. There were questions swirling through her head, a wonder of what had gone on exactly in the years that they’d been apart.

           Was this her fault? How was it not?

“Good morning baby girl. Did you sleep okay?”

           Whisking Eleanor into the kitchen she glanced up only quickly to catch Jude as he rushed out the door before Eleanor could notice him too, shutting the door quietly behind him.

“Don’t make me fall in love again if he won’t here next year”

           She’d refused the thought of jeans and a sweater. Instead, Eleanor had elected for the peacock blue dress with the scoop back and bow sleeves. They’d brushed through her curls and tied them back with a matching bow and her favorite Mary Jane shoes. There was no question that Eleanor had been raised both girly and proper. Her daughter was quite something else.

           Looking over at the little girl she looked both frustrated and perplexed as she turned around in the line to see Santa, searching the crowd not for the man in red but for the man that mattered most to her. Her adoration for her father was entirely something else. Wave couldn’t help but wonder if it was the bond that Fi and Richard had had when she was little, or if this was something entirely unique to Jude and Eleanor’s situation.

“What’s going on baby?”

           Reaching out she pulled at Eleanor’s curls, brushing them back from her bright blue eyes as she studied the little girl.

“I just want daddy”

           Her heart squeezed for a moment. Separating the little girl from her father was nothing Wave had intended to do. But they both needed to learn how to be better FOR her. She couldn’t imagine how confusing the past three months alone had to have been for Eleanor more so than anyone else.

           Leaning down she kissed the top of Eleanor’s head, placing her hands on her shoulders for a moment. What exactly could she say to the three year old? She’d probably already confused her enough as it was. The perky little girl had soured today, acting far poutier than she had in the past.

“Uncle Charlie’s annoying in the morning. I miss daddy.”

           She wasn’t wrong, B’s Christmas songs in the hallway bright and early at eight AM were enough to make her want to strange him to death. She’d forgotten that he was both a morning person and a night person. He didn’t seem to have a button that ever shut off and it was obnoxious.

           At a loss for what to say to Eleanor she looked at the line in back of them again, checking to see of any sign of Jude. It wasn’t like him to be late for things. Clicking the side of her phone she checked the time again, she’d told him fifteen minuets ago. Her worry was beginning to increase. That was probably something that wouldn’t ever change for her, worrying when he wasn’t there. She was just trying to get used to it.

“Daddy’s gonna be here”

           Turning to look at the line of kids and parents who stood waiting for Santa at the Macy’s on the Tuesday before Christmas was just about as long as she’d expected. This was new to her, taking a child to see Santa, waiting in the long line, somehow it seemed fitting to her.

“DADDY”

           Turning her head immediately she spotted him, still deep in conversation with a blonde beside him on the escalator. Though as the little voice hit his ears she watched as his head turned hers and Eleanor’s way without a beat being missed. A smile etched across his face as he ran a hand through his hair.

“So I couldn’t help but notice you don’t have a wedding band on”

           Though before she could smile at him she caught the words of the woman beside him and she found herself creasing her brow in interest of the smoky toned stranger beside him.

“No, not married”

           Tightening her grip on Eleanor’s shoulder she kept their daughter from running right over to him. Instead she let him have his space, yet listened intently to whatever was going to come of this whole conversation. She could already feel herself gearing up while she attempted to remind herself that she had no right to interject or say anything. They weren’t together, it wasn’t a thing, she needed to respect that.

“Listen, my ex husband has our son Saturday night. There’s a bar in the city, Yesterdays… friends and I are going to some Christmas party that night…”

           Their eyes met then as the blonde in front of him mentioned it. Well maybe Oliver needed to start scanning the guests that came through the door, maybe she’d make note to enforce that one. Maybe she needed to stop being so petty with everything.

           Taking her eyes off of Jude she decided to be better than that and block it all out. Instead of wondering what the reaction was going to be she reached down and pulled the three year old into her arms. Leaning forward and kissing Eleanor’s forehead as the child tried everything to get away from her, anxious to be in Jude’s arms instead of hers, trader, her preference was clear.

           It was a second later that the three year old was out of her arms and nose-diving into another set of arms.

“DADDY”

           Well if she was worried about no one knowing who Jude was to them before she surly didn’t have to give that the slightest of thoughts now. All was right in the world again for Eleanor as she cuddled herself into his arms, happy for the first time all day. Perhaps her expressive child had their best interests in mind after all.

“Are you excited to see Santa, baby?”

           As father and daughter interacted she looked around to find the woman from the elevator, making a mental note of her face to potentially water down drinks if she needed to. So much for being the bigger person in the situation. She couldn’t help it if her jealousy clawed through.

“What’s the matter Beautiful?”

           Not that he even had to ask, he had a plain as day smirk across his face. Putting Eleanor down on her feet he let her run over to the line as she stood watching him for another moment instead of following after the three year old right away.

“Are you meeting a girl at my bar this weekend?”

           She questioned, working on keeping her tone even as she asked the question. Her miserable failing couldn’t have been lost on him as her words came out snappy and bothered.

“If by girl you mean you, possibly. Depends on a certain brunette…”

           Reaching out to her, he adjusted the necklace she’d put on in the morning so that the clasp was behind her neck, Eleanor’s name on a single gold bar with her birthstone at the end of the lettering, a present that she’d opened up along with the mistletoe the night before.

“She’s with Papa and Gigi Saturday night”

           She’d promised Viv that they’d get her for a day before Christmas, so that whatever Christmas traditions they wanted to pick up with the child could be started. She knew that Vivian had been buying books to read with her for days.

“Who’s that forward with a guy just because he doesn’t have a ring on?”

“And it’s just the same mistakes that I’m watching you make”

“Hey Jude”

           Sitting on the swing set in the back yard she watched the cigarette between her fingers burn out. She’d spotted him the second he’d set off the motion sensor light. Back to help Quincy pack of his things and move out on her. She supposed at 22 it was something they were supposed to be doing, yet she couldn’t find it in herself to not be just a little bit angry with the both of them for leaving her there.

           Her words had stopped Jude’s motions of walking in the house. Instead, he’d turned around to face her, a brow raised as he landed on the cancer stick in her hand. His head shook as he walked closer to her and took a seat on the swing beside her.

“You know, for some reason you’re the only one who can get away with that without pissing me off”

           A smile crossed her lips for a moment as she brought the object back to her mouth and took a pull from it before tilting her head back and exhaling into the deep night air. A laugh slipped from her then as she looked over at him as the motion sensor went off and they were left in the darkness with only the moon to see.

“What’s on your mind Beautiful?”

           Beautiful. Jude had been calling her that forever. Even as she felt out of place and awkward in her own skin. She couldn’t understand why, but she accepted it. It was comforting to know that at least his words were there to pick her up when she wasn’t quite feeling like herself.

           She bit on her lip a moment, gathering her thoughts as she took another drag from the cigarette. Whatever she said would probably go directly back to Quincy and she wasn’t sure she wanted to deal with that fallout just yet. She was supposed to be his innocent baby sister. The word innocent couldn’t have been further from her.

“Have you ever slept with someone and then regretted it a week or so later?”

           A serious look tightened his jaw for a moment, as if he were willing himself not to play the big brother card and lecture her she figured. Then, a moment later he put his hand out for the white stick in her hand which she gave him a confused look about for a half second as he took it from her and took a drag off of it. She wasn’t going to question it; instead she watched the cigarette as he held it between his fingers, looking at it pensively.

“My first time was with some girl at a party whose name I don’t even remember”

           He confessed and she was taken aback for a moment. Jude never struck her as that type. He was gentle and kind, not exactly the makings for hit it and run. Then again, that was probably why he’d taken the cigarette from her in the first place she figured. The tough things to talk about weren’t exactly the ones people could do without something to even slightly occupy their minds.

“You slept with Charlie”

           His jaw was locked again as he exhaled another breathe of smoke to the side of him.

“Just another number in his book I guess”

           A shrug fell from her shoulders, she’d expected more of him, she couldn’t explain why. And yet the moment they’d gotten back from Paris he’d gone directly to Heidi and it had pissed her off. Yet for some disgusting reason she found herself pissed at Heidi for existing instead of B for screwing her over. She wanted to hate him, she did, and she just couldn’t.

“Wave…”

           She held her hand up to stop him as she reached for the cigarette simultaneously. He took another puff from it and handed it back to her. The warmth of his lips was still on it as she held it in her mouth for a second before looking back over at him again.

“You don’t have to say it Jude. I’m a kid… blah blah”

           Beginning the lecture that she knew both he and her brother would probably line up to give her when the truth of the matter came out it was only as she looked at him that she silenced herself. His eyes didn’t hold the disappointment that she’d expected them to hold. Instead it was pure concern and maybe a hint of something that she couldn’t put her finger on.

“All I was going to say, is that you’re better than Charlie. And I know that that probably sounds like bullshit to you. But I’ve watched the way that he goes through girls and doesn’t even notice it himself. If he hurts you Wave, he’s going to be answering to me.”

           Dropping the cigarette into the grass she crushed it under her shoe before reaching out and putting her hand on Jude’s back. He was golden, that was for sure. Luna had found herself one of the best ones.

“Also, do me a favor? Don’t smoke. Those things are disgusting. I feel like I just licked an ashtray, it’s nauseating.”

           With a slight laugh she leaned her head against his shoulder, Jude had always been such a comfort to her, and she knew that he was her brother’s other half, that had been obvious for as long as she could remember.

“You do me a favor and don’t ever go anywhere Jude. I think that I might need you around more than Q does.”

“The minute you let her under your skin then you begin to make it better”

           Struggling to open up the door with the toddler in her arms Waverly finally managed to get the thing open without dropping a sleeping Eleanor on the ground. It was a small miracle as her bag clattered to the ground instead.

           Of course all of the commotion made B rush to the doorway to greet her and she couldn’t have been more thankful as he took her daughter’s warm body out of her arms and leaned down to pick up the items from her dad for her birthday. So maybe it was one of those moments she was relieved that he’d inserted himself into her life and made himself a bedroom in the apartment as well.

“Why didn’t you call me? I would have carried her down here”

           Placing her things down on the couch she watched him as he carefully took Eleanor’s coat off of her and cuddled her little body to his chest as if she were precious gold that he knew he needed to protect. It was moments like that that assured her that what she’d done hadn’t been the wrong thing.

“Elise is here, I wasn’t going to disrupt you two.”

           She shook her head at him, walking closer as she started to remove the Mary Jane shoes from Eleanor’s feet. The little girl never once waking from her spot now curled up in B’s arms as she took the blue ruffled trench coat and floral dress from Jack and Janie off of her. They worked as a team to change her into the warm pajamas on their way into her bedroom.

“You are a disruption… she is never”

           Her laugh was quiet and genuine as he placed Eleanor in her bed and pulled up the pink ruffled comforter around her, tucking it in close by her body and surrounding her with pillows as she turned on the nightlight and dehumidifier before making her way back to the bed and pressing a kiss to her daughter’s forehead.

She couldn’t help but wish he was Jude with every move that he made. She’d gotten so accustomed to crawling into bed beside the two of them that the night before had been hell and she was almost positive that tonight would be the same exact way, some birthday she was having.

“How was your night?”

           Almost as if he’d read her mind she huffed out at him in response as she lightly closed the door, leaving it cracked just enough that Eleanor could get out if any nightmares were to occur and she needed to get out of the room in the middle of the night.

“It was nice, spending time with dad and Fi. I don’t know if we’ve ever actually done that.”

           She’d never missed a birthday with Fiona, and she’d also never spent one with just the two of them (and Eleanor). They’d surprised him by dragging him to dinner and to look at Christmas lights. It had been a calm and peaceful day all and all, a relaxing evening. But she couldn’t help but feel like something had been missing all day. She’d probably checked her phone well over a hundred times to see if that missing thing would change.

“He didn’t forget Wave”

           He really needed to stop doing that. Lifting her head she rolled her eyes at him. She knew he didn’t forget, Jude had always remembered her birthday and he’d always gone way above and beyond. Not that she’d expected him to do that this year, not after what the day prior had turned into. But she’d at least expected a text message from him.

           Before she could take a step away from him his hands were on her shoulders as he pushed her forcefully down the hall to the master bedroom. She didn’t feel like doing this, if he was grounding her to her room to mope for the night he could have at least let her…

“Your boyfriend was here. I let him in and put his prints in that damn lock so that I don’t have to again.”

           Her bed was littered with gardenias; their white peddles covering the top of her bedspread. Passionflowers sat in a vase beside her bed with a purple bow accompanying them with two small boxes and a card.

           Walking further into the room she ran her hand against the white flowers there.

“There are also chicken nuggets and espresso drinks in the fridge from me but I guess that doesn’t count for much now.”

           With a wave of wrist she attempted to tell B to go away. Which she heard him huff for a moment and instead of retreating right away walked closer to her. His lips catching the side of her head.

“Happy birthday Snow. I told you he loves you, now if you’ll excuse me, my girlfriend and I were watching some blonde haired god who has some thunder power she can’t seem to stop mooning after.”

           Girlfriend. Well that was a nice change to hear him say, it was about time he said the word and she didn’t feel any resentment or herself cringe in the slightest over it. She liked Elise, otherwise she wouldn’t have hired her to work at Yesterdays. Boy how they’d grown up from the days that she would have done anything to scare his hookups away.

           Hearing his footsteps retract from the room she finally reached for the card: Beautiful, I’m sorry for the way Saturday went. I guess we both have some thinking to do. I hated not spending today with you. I don’t regret her, not for a single second. I don’t think I could love you more for giving her to me. Don’t interpret anything I said Saturday to mean anything different. You mean everything to me, so does she. I love you Waverly Rose. Happy 27th Beautiful –J

“I should playing in the winter snow but i’ma be under the mistletoe”

“So what are we doing now? Does Richard have you turning into a pumpkin? Or are we going back to the hotel to hit the bar for a few hours?”

           As they stood up to leave the small Italian restaurant her brother held out Cecilia’s coat for her to put on, like the gentleman he was. Ceecee’s face was flush from the white wine; as he’d thrown his arm around her in a jovial mood, ready to spend the rest of the evening celebrating his baby sister’s seventeenth birthday. She loved having them all in the city.

He’d picked the restaurant; they’d had pasta and salad with a candle in a far to large slice of tiramisu. She’d picked at everyone else’s dishes and brushed the sauce from her chicken parmesan. There was hardly a single complaint that she could muster from the evening other than the tease it had been to sit across from her brother and Cecilia with Jude’s hand neatly placed on her thigh when it wasn’t folded on the tabletop.

“tanti auguri at te”

           The waiter smiled at her as he handed her a bag of leftovers and what she suspected to be another piece of the tiramisu. All things that she wouldn’t complain about. She smiled back at him, bowing her head slightly in acknowledgement.

“Grazie”

           As she turned back from the waiter and the table Ceecee and Quincy were already on their way out of the restaurant as Jude lingered behind for her, placing a gentle hand on her back as they started to head out of the dining area following the other pairing. With Quincy and Cecelia’s backs to them she felt him lean down enough to kiss the side of her head.

           They were almost out the door when an older woman stopped them. From the looks of her she had to have been one of the original owners of the small restaurant. Probably the reason that it was still open, a family heirloom and a tradition. It was things like this that Waverly loved exploring whenever they were in new places. The reason that she never complained when it came to trying out menus she knew she probably wouldn’t enjoy. Because it was all someone else’s passion.

“baciarsi… baciarsi”

           The woman stressed as she motioned above their heads to the leaves that hung above the doorway. It was that that made Cecilia and Quincy both turn around in front of them. Jude’s hand dropped from her back automatically as she turned her head enough to look at him before looking over to her brother.

           This was an interesting turn of events, one that she knew was probably not going to go over all that well. But by the determined look on the woman’s face as she commanded them to kiss they probably weren’t going to get out the door without doing so.

“Nonna, you can’t just shout at customers as they leave.”

           Looking at the man who had to have been the woman’s grandson, she watched Jude’s face turn into a smile as the pair spoke to one another. The woman still seemed completely animated and insistent as she spoke words that Wave only caught bits and pieces of. Her Italian rusty from the lack of use.

“Well I for one don’t plan on walking out of here with any bad luck”

           Jude cut in, she could tell he’d picked up every word of the conversation that had been had in front of them. She watched as he looked over at Quincy for a moment, offering a shrug before turning back to her.

           Before she could question anything or sneak another look at her brother Jude’s hands were at her neck, pulling her closer to him carefully as he leaned down and pulled her into a kiss that made her eyes shut instantly. His tongue begged entrance which she more than gladly humored as everything around them melted away from the busy restaurant to her brother and his girlfriend standing only feet away from them.

           It was Quincy clearing his throat that made her come back to reality as Jude pulled back from the kiss, dropping his hands as she blinked her eyes open and ran her fingers against her lips, cleaning them up some from the messy kiss Jude had surprised her with.

           She wasn’t sure what had made him that daring but she also wasn’t about to complain about it as he turned to the grandmother and said his goodbyes in the foreign tongue that she wasn’t even about to try and make heads or tails out of with her head spinning. Instead, she walked on ahead of him to catch up with her brother’s disapproving look and Cecelia eyeing her more so than she had before they’d left the hotel room.

“Cees do you mind sitting n the back on the way back to the hotel? I don’t know if I trust the two of them to sit together. I’m not quite sure what’s gotten into my best friend tonight.”

           Jude’s laugh came from behind them now as he walked to catch up, his arm automatically going around Quincy’s shoulders, pulling him into a headlock as they got out to the parking lot, the pair horsing around for a moment as they made it closer to the car that Quincy had rented for the stay in the city.

“Oh come on Quince, it was mistletoe. You’re just jealous you weren’t standing close enough for me to kiss you aren’t you?”

           The boys continued to horse around and she heard the smack of Jude’s lips against her brother’s cheek and she couldn’t help but laugh as Ceecee looped an arm through hers, pulling her back slightly from where the boys fooled around by the car.

“I’d put a little more makeup on your neck before your brother puts together where you got those hickies on your neck Waverly”

“I thought I did my best, it was nearly good enough” 

Fi’s tears made her own eyes fill up, there was something about seeing strong Fiona in so much pain that pushed her to the edge of things. Fi was the strong on, she wasn’t, she was the one that pretended to be half as tough as Fi and yet still failed. This entire thing was over her comfort zone of seeing her little sister being hurt.

There was a part of her that still wanted to go back in time, to stop Fi before she ever made the decision to carry the baby for these strangers. But she wasn’t about to start on that again, that point was nothing now and it was just the repercussions that they needed to deal with and get through. She needed to be the adult for once in her life.

“You have nothing to thank me for”

          She shook her head, Auggie had been the one who’d been put through the bunt of everything. He and Teddy would have had the house fall apart around them if they hadn’t though. She needed to figure out some way to thank the both of them for everything. He’d gone from little brother extraordinaire to the rock they both needed more than anything else.

“I…”

          Trailing off trying to find her words she couldn’t. She and Jude really hadn’t talked about anything. She watched him with Eleanor like he’d always been a part of her life. The two of them were something else, cut from the same fabric, it was incredible. Everything that she’d never expected to watch or be a part of.

          Even she and Jude had been great since the night at the house. He was his same old gentle and warm self that held open doors and called her Beautiful. The same guy who’d made her change her mind about needing to chase after something that wasn’t good for her. Yet she couldn’t help but wonder why, why now had he decided to walk back into their lives. Only she didn’t really know how to broach that question. She wasn’t sure she wanted to know where he’d been or what had gone through his head.

“I think I’m still in shock over the whole thing.”

          That was without a shadow of a doubt true. It had been a week and yet she still felt like it was part of some strange dream that she’d wake up from at any moment where things would be exactly the way they were before and all of her guilt would come blazing back to her.

“My only question is why now? And I know I probably shouldn’t even be asking that. I should just be taking what I get. He’s here and that’s all that matters. But I just… why? And the fact that he kissed me yesterday…”

          Now she was talking far too much and only about herself. That was one of her biggest problems, always turning all of the worries in the room on her when they shouldn’t have been. There were bigger things going on, bigger problems that had come up and made themselves known. She needed to focus on something else that wasn’t just about her.

“So I think that when things are a little bit better Auggie and Teddy need a vacation. I’ll take over his shifts at Sugar Flowers. I’m sure between Jude and B and school Eleanor will be just fine. But I think with all the two of them have done they deserve it.”

“They’ll judge it like they know about me and you”

“Wow, since when do you actually bundle up in a coat?”

           Hearing her brother’s voice as he opened his hotel room door to her she rolled her eyes, pulling the green army bomber jacket closer around her tighter. His eyes looked her over before he put his arms out, pulling her into the tightest bear bug that he could manage. She puffed out a dramatic strangled sound, teasing him as he pulled away from her finally.

           As he pulled away he reached in his pocket and pulled out a small box of which he placed into her hands with a perfect gold bow tying it together. She smiled up at him holding it.

“Happy Birthday Princess. How are you already 17? Where did the years go?”

           With a tug to the gold bow she pulled the ribbon off of the small jewelry box. A small lion pendent lay in the box on a necklace. She smiled at him as he pulled it from the box and pulled it around her neck, fastening it without questioning if she even liked it.

           Soon as it was clasped around her neck she turned around to face her brother, leaning up on tiptoe just to kiss his cheek. Quincy was always on top of everything, he always had been. He pulled her into another hug, kissing the top of her head as he pushed the door open in back of them.

“Go say hi to Cees and Jude. He might have a present for you too. I’m not actually sure, he’s hiding things from me. His neck is marred from some girl and he won’t tell me anything about her.”

           Quincy missed the glint in her eye as she stepped past him into the hotel room, the way she bit her lip to silence her smirk from shining through. This wasn’t the time for any of those truths to come out. She just wanted to enjoy her seventeenth birthday without the third degree of her protective big brother coming through to haunt her.

“Quince, don’t be so dramatic”

           Jude’s voice made her chest flutter tightly as she rubbed her hand against her neck before turning to spot him. They shared a look for a moment before she went straight over to him, a usual move that Quincy wouldn’t be suspicious of as Jude wrapped his arms around her, picking her up in a tight hug.

           She’d missed him in the couple of hours she hadn’t seen him between Quincy arriving and her going out to lunch with Richard and Fiona. She clung to him tighter than normal as he placed her back down on her feet, knowing that she couldn’t just kiss him like she so badly wanted to. Not with Quincy in the room just yet, that would come.

“Beautiful, I believe this is yours”

           As he took a step back from her he reached into his pocket and produced a red Cartier box. Shaking her head at him, a smile broke across her features as she took it out of his hand and opened it up to the silver bracelet that she’d had her eye on as they strolled past the shop just days before.

“I can’t keep up with you people. Your gifts cost more than my rent for a year”

           Ceecee and Quincy began to shamelessly flirt behind her as Jude took the box from her hands and took the bracelet out of the box to put on her.

“Also, that is an unfair advantage Jude, take it back, she’s supposed to like my presents best.”

           Quincy had pulled himself away from Ceecee to look over their way and whine yet again. As her eyes got caught on the bracelet now around her wrist the sound of Jude’s laugh filled her ears as he glanced in Quincy’s direction again.

“Quince… I always win when it comes to her and birthdays. One of these years you’ll face that.”

           Well she couldn’t defend her brother with that one this year, that much was for certain. Jude had won all the way around so far.

“Well watch out because I don’t want your new girlfriend getting the wrong idea about you and my innocent baby sister”

“For the first time in forever at least I’ve got a chance” 

           Hearing the footsteps clattering from the hallway back to her she figured that Eleanor hadn’t gotten a response from her aunt. She put her arms out expecting to end up with the child and puppy and was surprised to only find the child. Lifting Eleanor up she squeezed the child to her chest for a moment. She’d taken all of the advantages lately to do that that she could. She’d missed enough time with her.

“Woah, you clearly have the magic touch baby”

           Kissing Eleanor’s cheek she placed her daughter back down on the ground and pointed to the table where the coloring books and crayons sat. B had been working on the alphabet with her lately, and for a three year old she was getting it surprisingly well, it had to have been the Jude in her.

“Why don’t you go color Auntie a picture?”

           Just as she was told Eleanor scampered away without protest. She was so good about everything. So good when she had no reason to be, when she could have acted out and it would have been perfectly understandable for everything that she’d been through.

“I’m not trying to cause trouble with her I just…”

           Looking at the puppy in her sister’s arms she didn’t know exactly what to say suddenly. How had she exactly thought this was a good idea? Was she seriously trying to numb her sister’s pain of giving up her daughter by placing another living thing in her arms? If there was one thing Wave was simply too good at it was trying to buy things better when it wasn’t possible.

           She felt like an ass now when she thought about it all. In the moment it had all seemed like a good idea. Give Fi something to look after and take care of, try to put a smile back on her face. But like all other moments it was something fleeting and she just felt like a jerk now.

“She seemed to be in a pretty bad predicament at the shelter herself. I don’t know, I guess I thought that you two could help one another.”

           Walking forward she rustled the puppy’s fur, carefully. The little thing’s big brown eyes drew her in again and she found herself melting for a moment. Okay so maybe the puppy was too cute to really regret. She could only hope that that was the way Fiona felt about her too.

“I just thought before she became that Christmas present that was enjoyed for a week and then cast off to the side she could maybe keep you some company?”

           Taking her eyes off of the pup she went back to cleaning up the mess that had once been their living room before the myriad of people had taken up residence in it. She was never sure anymore who was there and who wasn’t. Not that she was complaining, it felt comfortable to have the ever revolving couch.

“Did you ever have that live cam installed at Sugar Flowers? Because our darling brother and my… and Jude are currently running your bakery.”

           She probably shouldn’t have told her that. She was supposed to be taking away the stress not adding to it. God, she wasn’t very good at this at all. She was just good at adding disasters to everything rather than taking them away.

“Not to worry though, Q assured us this morning that he’s got everything under control. I don’t know exactly what that means… but Ceecee said that he’d be fine and I sort of trust her.”

           On second thought now she probably should have sent Jude home with Eleanor and taken over the shift herself. Only, the last time she’d done that (three days ago) she’d burned a couple of dozen cookies… something that she was NOT about to tell her sister about. This was why Fi was the baker and she just… wasn’t.

“How are you actually feeling? Are you still sore?”

Right before your eyes I’m aching” 

“So he’s going to take her today and tonight and bring her back in the morning”

           As she walked out of her bathroom with a towel wrapped around her body and one in her hair she let out a long sigh and nodded her head. She’d only been up an hour and already she was exhausted. The day had hardly begun and already she could feel it dragging on.

           B lay across her bed expectantly, waiting for her to get dressed and be ready to go out with him she was sure. Christmas shopping. Because the days were dwindling down and she was running out of time to get everything set and ready to go for the big day. This year it meant something, this year she had a little girl to put first and foremost. Faking a smile needed to become second nature, she was working on it.

“I also talked to the building owner, the penthouse is up for grabs. Spiral staircase, library, four spacious bedrooms…”

           Dropping her towel and walking into the walk-in closet she paused and stuck her head out to roll her eyes at him.

“B… you’re the one that owns this place.”

           It was a secret that she hadn’t quite shared with anyone else. One that he’d arranged and she’d gone along with because it just seemed better to shut her mouth on before Fi could tell her what a bad idea it was or anything else of the sort.

“Exactly, and I think that it’s time that you and Eleanor have a little more space. You’ll be right down stairs for them. That’s less than a phone call away. If something major goes on up here you can be up in a matter of seconds.”

            He wasn’t entirely wrong. She did need the space to spread out, it was a lot keeping Eleanor in the room with her or with whoever took over couch duty for the night. It wasn’t that she wanted to be apart from her siblings, but with the chaos it might have been the better option.

“Can we just table this discussion for now? We can start setting things up later. I get it, it’s the right idea…”

           Eleanor needed her own bedroom, knowing B, it was already set up downstairs with all of her favorite things. There’d just been a part of her hoping that she’d be going home instead of to yet another different space. She craved the house that he’d bought, craved something normal for the first time in years. Maybe if she hadn’t opened her mouth the day before she would have had that.

           Pulling clothes from the closet she threw on her favorite ripped jeans and an old tee shirt. Not fully caring to put in any extra effort. She needed to snap out of this, she knew that. Before it was all handed back in her face.

“You know that you guys will be fine right?”

           Straightening out her hoody she shrugged her shoulders as she made it back into the bedroom and took a seat beside him on the bed, her head resting against his shoulder. She didn’t want the pep talks for once. They weren’t the thing that she needed.

“I trapped him into having a kid B. I slept with you… I walked out of the hospital while he was still alive…”

           She could have kept going on, god knew she had enough issues to speak of. They’d gone through enough in the past couple of years. All she wanted to do was move past it all, to put it all behind her.

“Come on, you’ve been in this room long enough. Get out”

           There was a very good chance that he wasn’t right, that she shouldn’t have been leaving the room, or the house. But she also knew that all she was going to do would be to linger on things if she didn’t just go. Slipping her heels on she took her black leather jacket from him as he held it and the door open escorting her out.

“We’re doing lunch, RH Rooftop? I made a reservation already. Figured that, some ice skating and a bit of shopping and then get you back to look at the new home.”

           As the cool air hit her face she reached for his arm, lacing hers through his as they hit the busy sidewalk. Regardless of what was going on at home and in her head she couldn’t linger on it. It was time to do a better job with herself and her daughter. Nothing else was more important than that.

“Did you already put a tree down there?”

           His hardy laugh told her all that she needed to know, she should have suspected it from the moment he’d started on it. The apartment downstairs was all set up and ready for her to walk down with her clothes.

“I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing”

           As of late she’d been struggling and she couldn’t even begin to explain why. Sure, Pax and his parents dragging her around and forcing her to act like the perfect couple for the past week had been a handful (one that would continue with a Christmas show in the city later on in the day) and juggling trying to figure out how to finish Christmas shopping hadn’t been completely fun either. But regardless she should have been happy. The love of her life had been back for almost a month now.

           Yet there were just things that felt unsolved. Something was off and she couldn’t put her finger on what exactly it was. It wasn’t because she wasn’t happy that he was alive, god no, her favorite place in the world was lying in bed beside him. That she couldn’t have denied if she tried to.  

“When did you get up?”

           His sleep filled tone filled her ears as he crept out of the bedroom and closer to the dinging room table. She felt him kiss the top of her head and yet she didn’t move or tilt her head to kiss him. Instead, she stayed exactly as she was, completely still.

“I don’t know, hours ago”

           Eleanor had slept over Quincy’s the night before. Separating her from the boys on weekends was difficult. The way she idolized her cousins was completely unparalleled. The way they all should have been from the start.

           As Jude sat down across from her she stared directly at him, she still felt like if she looked away he wouldn’t be there anymore, like this whole thing was only temporary.

“What’s going on in that mind of yours Beautiful?”

           He picked up one of her hands and she felt herself jump at his touch. The movement was completely involuntary, her whole mind frame was actually. If she could have just continued to ignore it she would have. Would have crawled back into bed with him and lost herself until the afternoon came. But her brain hadn’t shut off in hours and sleep was a lost cause, being beside him just made it grow louder. She needed to say something, she knew that.

           Biting on her lip she looked at him, her words attempting to formulate in her mind. Why was this conversation so difficult to have? They’d always had the easiest time talking. He’d always made her comfortable with saying what was on her mind.

“You’ve been in the city for months… you’ve been alive for years. Jude you… You’ve watched me and yet you couldn’t… if Eleanor wasn’t here would you have come out of hiding?”

They were both quiet instantaneously. Both lost in different thoughts she was sure. Part of her knew she shouldn’t have been questioning anything. That having him back should have been enough for her. For the most part it was, she just couldn’t prevent the burning questions from ganging up on her.

“Waverly…”

           It was the tone that he started off with that made her regret her question. Before he could get another word out of his mouth she’d gotten up from the table and started to head back to his bedroom unsure that she really wanted to hear the words that were going to come out next.

           Sure, running may have been something she was good at, but it was because she never knew exactly how to deal with things or the truth. That had been her problem from an early age. Here she was now opening up Pandora’s box and still trying to get away from the things that she herself had started.

“Waverly stop… Wave…”

           Before she could reach the bedroom to either grab her coat or slam the door, she wasn’t entirely sure which she would have done, he’d grabbed her wrist to stop her. Making her stop and look at him without running away like she so badly wanted to do at this point.

“No Jude. You just said all you needed to say.”

           Holding up a hand she attempted to yank her other wrist away, but he wasn’t having it, she could tell that he wasn’t about to let her walk away from their conversation. Part of her grew more frustrated by that fact. That he’d always tried to be the one to make her get to the bottom of things rather than just glossing them over.

“I actually didn’t Wave. This isn’t going to be just another one of those conversations you get to bring up and then walk away from. That’s not how we’re doing that this time around.”

           The words out of his mouth made her stop moving then. She neglected her need to get away from him and instead she stood there completely still and silent looking up at him. This time around. She couldn’t even say that he was wrong for any of the other past times because it was exactly what she’d always done and what he’d let her go along with.

“No, I don’t know if I’d be back. Without me you grew up Wave. You’ve done better than you ever did with me. And I was afraid, I was afraid that coming back would have set you back into old patterns.”

           Snatching her wrist away from him finally she crossed her arms against her chest defensively. Her anger with him only rose instead of dissipating as she stood there staring at him. At the ghost that had walked out of her life without saying a word, the one who would still be dead on all accounts if there hadn’t been a baby between them.

“Old patters”

           She echoed, more of a question as to what exactly he meant by it than anything else.

“You cheated on me Wave. You cheated on me and pretended like it didn’t happen till you got caught in your lies and couldn’t get rid of it.”

           There was no defending herself. The words out of his mouth were too entirely true that she dropped her eyes down to the floor. Two weeks of freedom that they’d been living in had fallen away and reality was suddenly setting in and causing them to deal with the issues that had only been dormant instead of dead.

“I… I did”

           Her voice fell quieter then, with no trust in it to get any louder when the fact remained that he was completely right. Every word out of his mouth was true.

“And what about going off of your birth control? After I asked you… I begged you not to do it. I told you that it was something we’d discuss after we got married. Yet you did it anyway. You made a decision about our life without me.”

           The mixture of anger and hurt in his eyes was unmistakable. These were the things that he’d kept to himself, the emotions that he hadn’t been able to express to her in three years unfolding like a wild snake that was about to murder its prey.

“I know”

           What else was there to say? He was right. All of it, every word about it he was right on.

“I can’t… I don’t have a single excuse to make Jude. What I did… all of it… I…”

           He walked away from her then, perching on the arm of the couch as he dropped his head into his hands in defeat. The words that had come out of his mouth she could tell had taken just as much of a toll on him as they had on her. Frustration emitted from him as he leaned there and she knew that there was going to be no simple fix to any of this this time.

“So no, I don’t know if I’d be back Wave. As much as I missed you, I missed all of you, I just don’t know.”

           That was all she needed to hear, all she could take for the morning. While he sat there with his face dropped into his hands she grabbed for her jacket off the door handle. She wanted to get away, needed to get away before any of this got any worse. Not that she thought it actually could have.

“Look, I’m not walking away. I’m giving you space and time to figure out what you want Jude. I’m not going to stick around just because we have Eleanor, we can figure that one out. But right now, right now I’m leaving. I just… I need to go.”

           The words were coming out of her mouth but she wasn’t thinking, she had no idea what she was actually saying as she walked out of the apartment and shut the door behind her, taking a second to lean against it as she willed herself not to break down.