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is the cannibalism a joke……

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When I get desperate and I read shit back, it almost feels tender.

Bruised and swollen and leaking

Am I driving you away?

I’m so selfish to want to hear you say it,

Over and over and over.

If I could feel it against my lips

I’d let you do anything to me.

I love you.

I want to make you say it.

I want you to make me say it.

I want to get so far out of my head,

Float above my walls,

Let you coax it out of me.

imkwitty777

ᗢ

tankhall

ethel cain live at red rocks, photographed by enoch chuang

brokenbloodynails

She’s fucking back, this feels like repairing a time rift to my fucked up queer ass.

Ascending

Would you look over the photos they take when I turn my own body into a crime scene???

What will it make you feel, closer or further from me than before?

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Haven’t cried in months and I fucking want to so badly.

Everything aches, I can feel myself scrounging for something, anything that feels real, wrestling the reoccurring rejection.

I never learn I never learn I never learn I want to bang my head into the wall

I can’t be fucking normal about you. I almost resent you for your obliviousness, because I take it as a rejection. Fuck, I claw at any piece of you I can get, I have to try to not check your every available movement and you know it, don’t you?

I’m so fucking good for your ego.

#Spotify recents #I’m talking to you #this man gave me his location 24/7 #I didn’t ask #enabling behavior #but fuckkk gimme

Genuinely how does anyone ever get over anyone ever.

This is not rhetorical, I feel like anyone I’ve ever been attached to I have never actually stopped aching for. It feels inhumane to not retain love for someone I cared for, why is so much of life forming yourself into cruelty. What the fuck do you mean they’re dead to you. How do you do that.

#actuallymentallyill #actuallytraumatized #vent #complex ptsd #help #dreamed my ex made me pizza rolls #we’re on good terms still I think #but he is phone adverse so idk

Eating my lips raw and bloody and getting myself off for hours to try to knock some tears lose- but now I still haven’t cried and I just feel like shit and want to isolate away from everyone because it’s all a mess and I fear the desire to kms is on the rise again.

I can’t fucking think about anything else. I’m so fucking broken.

It’s all I can think about, my fucking head feels full to bursting.

Sex, torture, they’re the fucking same.

Shame when it feels like a hot knife in my chest, shame when it’s a dull ache.

Always the fucking crippling shame.

All I can think to fucking say is something about being abused or how I want to be abused, I just want to shut the fuck up.

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Is it a T break from this man is it is against my will entirely or is this just hitting the part of the cycle I know will occur wherein I am Abandoned.

Doing so shit I kinda dgaf because honestly yeah. Probably for the best I need to stop letting myself think you can provide me with lasting comfort I’m getting fucking delusional.

Stay the fuck away from me.

The self disgust is crushing me but I’m hoping if I can just regain control of some aspects of how I look, maybe it’ll be easier.

Everything fucking aches but I could at least try not to look like shit 24/7 on top of it all, even if that scares me in its own right.

Man at work saying his daughter is a few years younger than me and the absolutely abhorrent response in my body being “wait… why is that kinda…”

Release me from this prison.

#am I forgiven if I tell you this man is 6’7 #actuallymentallyill #and a veteran #support our troops #I actually dgaf abt that part #but it might contribute to the daddy issues #idk which of us is the real predator #he’s either a nice man or flirting w me #I need it to stop #dude is a magnifying glass to the worst parts of me #older men

I want to scream.

I’m losing you again, I can feel it.

I wonder if I traced my steps, could I identify the exact pattern, brace myself for this?

How much is just paranoia that becomes a self fulfilling prophecy?

Or are we really on some cycle, some calendar I haven’t noticed?

You are the scab I never let heal, the scar I rip back open without fail.

A few months back you said I love you over the phone and I felt like my heart leaped from my chest onto the floor in a sudden panic.

I love you too.

I never, never want you to know that.

I’m afraid maybe you do. And I’m afraid I say it a hundred different ways, when I can’t bite my tongue.

I miss hearing your voice. I miss when you seemed eager to call me.

The playlist I made about you is over 4 grueling hours now.

Missing sleep that I need for work to numb myself like an idiot.

Something is so broken inside me I don’t know what to do with it or how to even speak about it anymore

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I miss being so unwell I couldn’t prevent myself from acting like it, just a bit.

I felt stupid, but at least I felt relief.

I wish I could lose my shit, pour forth and know the emptiness again. But no where is alone enough, safe enough.

I think I love you. I think that could kill me.

#actuallymentallyill #vent

Pissing him off with little shit all day until his patience finally snaps and he slaps me across the face.

Then we’re both crying as he’s giving it his all on top of me, sputtering a million pleading apologies between our hungry mouths as he holds my tear streaked face beneath him.

And the repentance feels so good I can’t even remember what he’s saying sorry for, he’s so beautiful I can’t tear my wide eyes away.

He keeps saying “please”, begging me to reassure him it’s okay in between moans.

Or something.

#actuallymentallyill #but like think abt it #icky #’I’m sorry’ just sounds so fucking good out of a pretty boy’s mouth #desperate whimpering because he’s afraid I’m upset even though I’m soaked #the contradiction of caressing my face but pounding into me like he’s trying to knock forgiveness out of me #don’t psychoanalyze me for this one #I don’t want to know what this says about me #also this should never ever happen and is extremely unhealthy

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