Narcissists just keep moving
I was thinking about this lately, how narcissists keep moving like you don't exist while you are left wounded and struggling to keep going. Some days I find myself wishing that I could be as cold as my narcissist ex and forget he exits and keep moving. I also blame myself a lot for what has happened to me, I think I was too nice, to forgiving, to naïve, to deeply in love to see reason. I have been here before with him, broken and left behind for another woman. Over 16yrs ago when we were first in a relationship, he lied and manipulated me and then left me for another woman. I was young and had no clue what a narcissist was or that there was even such a thing as narcissist abuse. In fact if it had not been for joining tik tok, I would have still not know what he was or what he was doing. I was always so confused by the things that he did and his reactions and sudden disappearances. His words and actions never matched. Nothing made sense and he would explain away so many things. We even stayed in contact after the devastating break up the first time. My mind convincing me that it was better to have a little bit of him in my life rather than nothing at all. It hurt especially when he married the woman he had left me for.
After he was married I did my best to stay away, I would hide myself online from him although I would check up on his social media from time to time to see what he was up to and looking for cracks that his life was not the fairy tale he wanted me to believe that it was. It was hard, I would hear from him out of the blue usually once a year until finally I got the courage to cut him off completely because he wanted to talk daily instead of yearly and I knew he was married and that nothing good could come from that. The 2 yrs without him in my life at all felt like I was treading water, hoping that he would find me. It was the weirdest feeling that I could not understand why I felt like I needed him to live even though I knew he was not the nicest person and had gone out of his way many times to put me down or make me feel bad about myself or anything that I perceived as an achievement. Those 2 yrs were so hard and finally I couldn't take the silence and not knowing anymore and I had to find him. It didn't take long, there he was on Instagram. I thought about it for a month before finally reaching out. He answered instantly and it felt like a hole in my heart was immediately filled and I could breath after holding my breath for so long. He was so happy to have me back and he missed me so much and I missed him. I thought I had my friend back and that I was strong enough to keep it on a friend level, but I was not. I over estimated my strength and underestimated his charm and within a month he had pulled me back in with confessions of a broken marriage and years of regret that he had not picked me. It all felt like a dream and I was shook.
Not to long after he claimed to have left his wife and we started to talk more about us and if we really wanted to be together and get to know each other again after so long. It was a long distance reconnection because he lives in England and I live in California. I wish I had of known at this time that he was a narcissist and that I felt all the things I felt after years of being trauma bonded to him. That all those things were from his manipulation and charm, but I didn't know and what followed was 2 years of lies, future faking, cheating, disappearing, lots of anger on his part and finally him leaving me for a new woman. In the end I found out that the first year we were together that he actually was still very much with his wife (the time difference and distance made that easy I suppose) so he was carrying on a long distance relationship with me while still being a husband and father. He was so good at lying and covering his tracks, although I would question him a lot he always had a good answer or reason or excuse for everything. How I found out he had been lying it was by accident when his wife’s Instagram popped up on my suggestions list and I was curious and clicked. Suddenly I was flooded with pictures of him on trips with her and their kids all the times that he would disappear or be less talkative which he would blame on work or being a single father. When confronted he never once apologized but said instead that I should have known what he was doing and put all the blame on me for not being smarter. I should of cut him off then and there but something in me could not and we carried on as friends. Eventually he softened towards me again and for a month said that he was still in love with me and that he would leave his wife for me eventually I just had to wait. 5 months later however, his wife caught him messaging her sister and she ended the marriage because she didn't believe that it was only messages. He had told me about talking to the sister, but he had such a good story for that, or at least I convinced myself it was a good story. I warned him to not talk to her (embarrassingly more out of jealously than for his wife sake) but he didn't listen because he knew I was jealous and it eventually broke his marriage. I now see that he triangulated it that he would get caught so his wife could end the marriage and he could claim he was merely helping a woman in distress and his wife the “monster” wouldn't listen to reason. A week later we were back together because stupidly I let my eagerness for him to be mine overpower logic and reason. It was good 2 months of daily video chats, assurance that he was really split this time with picture proof and numerous phone calls (all things he denied me before). Sadly it did not last long.
After 2 months he started to be cold, mean and distant. He was always at his ex wifes house or at some new lady that he had claimed was a friend through his sons. The single mother of one of their friends to be exact. Suddenly I was accused of not trusting him and being paranode and crazy because he would spend the night at both ladies houses and shut off his phone or block me off and on to be with them. I was so confused how his love could disappear over night. After so much time of claiming I was the one and how much he loved me in spite of all the pain he was inflicting on me with lies and cheating. That month our 3rd and last together ended with him fighting daily with me for time alone with the new lady and me begging him to understand why that was wrong and to either let me go or act nice again. Finally he just ended it. I was devastated and so confused. The month that followed that was me asking what happened trying to figure out the lies and why he was doing what he was doing and keeping me around and in his life if he was going to be like this. No answers were really given and the ones that were made no sense. It was horrible I was broken trying to figure out what happened and he was running around with lord only knows how many women at that point. He would still disappear and block me on occasion and turn off his phone.
Dec of last year was the worst part, he would still tell me that there was hope for us that he just need some time to think, so of course not really understanding and hopelessly in love I stayed around. Out of the blue after about 2 years of asking he finally let me follow his Instagram and low and behold there was a woman posting comments that made her sound like she was his gf. Apparently this was triangulation ( I didn't know that at the time) this of course set me off emotionally and hurt so much, he got mad that I was hurt and used that to disappear for a week to punish me for being upset that he had a new woman in his life after he swore he didn't. When we finally started to talk again I stupidly had to apologize for being hurt (he hated when I felt anything, was always angry when I would tell him he hurt my feelings). We started to talk like friends again and even discussed me going to visit him ( I failed to mention that he had claimed he wanted me to move to England to be with him from the beginning of him claiming to be separated from his wife and this last time we had looked at houses together so I could move to be with him in January). He made it seem like we were back on track all the way up to the day he cut me out of his life. He got angry with me on a Saturday because when I texted him after I woke up like usual he didn't answer and finally at like 2am his time he wrote back saying he had been driving all night to clear his head. I knew it was a lie because he had told me the day before how bad the roads were with snow and he always hated driving at night. I called him on it and asked if it was really a date he blew up and that was it. The next 2 days he would not reply to my texts and finally I asked what was happening that he was acting weird and he simply texted “sorry, busy, message later” and that was it. With those 4 words he was gone and I was devastated.
Weirdly enough he still follows me on Instagram and I still follow him but he never posts, when I do he doesn't write or like them and when I try to comment on his or write him a message they go unanswered. I am pretty sure that I am restricted, why he doesn't just block me I don't know. He now has a new gf, the 3rd since me but this one is the one that gets everything he denied me and has been introduced to his family. I put it all together and figure that he cut me out of his life to avoid all the questions that would I would ask just like with his gf after me. Cutting me out saved him the annoyance of being accountable.
I found out about narcissist's on tik tok while scrolling to distract myself from the silence and everything they described sounded like him and made so many things make sense. Sadly knowing what he is doesn't make the pain go away. It was all real for me, and just realizing that it was all a game to him is devastating. The horrible thing is that even as write this and am aware that he is a monster and only cares about himself, I still very much love this man. I know that it is a trauma bond and for the last month I was franticly trying to find a way to reach him, but then I realized how crazy that did make me seem. Its weird how narcissist's can cause you to act and do things you would never have thought possible. That they rewire your brain and take away logic and reason so slowly and strategic that you don't even recognize yourself when they leave you. I tell myself some days that his new relationship wont last, they never do and when they end, he usually comes back looking for me, I think I do this to try and comfort myself some how. Before I knew what he was this always seemed romantic that he couldn't get over me like I couldn't get over him, sadly I now know that I am just an easy supply target for him and that is why he always came back. I want to heal from this and not be his target anymore but my brain still hears his words and promises echo like a ghost that haunts me and I feel paralyzed. Its not fair that a narcissist burns down you and your world and moves onto a next like nothing while you are left lost, confused, paralyzed and broken. Some days I still find myself questioning if he really is a narcissist, but apparently that is normal as a survivor who is still trauma bonded. I hope this trauma doesn't last forever.
