To my Daddy that was
I don’t know if you’ll ever read this, Daddy, but here goes. I’m sorry we fell apart, I’m sorry I couldn’t make you happy. It’s been 9 months since you told me you were leaving and the bad dreams keep on coming. I wake up in the night in a sweat, having dreamt of all the amazing memories we have and then almost choke when I realise that that’s now all they are, memories.
I know you’ve moved on now, and even deleted your Tumblr. At first it killed me to see you with her, but when I see your smile I can’t help but be thankful that you’ve found happiness, that’s all I’ve ever wanted for you.
Please know that I have loved you from the second I met you and I always will. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, what you’re up to or what you’re thinking. I miss you so much it makes my heart ache. I never meant for it to end this way.
Although I love you, I can’t forget how much you hurt me. You left me just like that, no warning and an explanation that was so cruel your words still haunt me. ‘So casually cruel in the name of being honest’. The weight loss, the self harm, the hospital admissions were not worth it because at the end of the day, none of that brought you back I just didn’t know how to deal with the pain of loosing you.
I really hope that one day, we can talk. Just as friends. I hope that we can catch up with our mutual friends and laugh like we used to.
I like to think that slowly I am healing. I’ve met someone too, who holds me when I cry and doesn’t mind that I am the most indecisive person on the planet. But in order for my new relationship to work, I must let go of you.
Maybe one day we’ll meet again. Maybe you won’t remember me. I’ll always remember you.
Baby.
