I Just B Here

Well I would like to think love is something that we all have inside of us. But at this moment in my life. I don’t want any love at all. I don’t want any love from anyone except myself. How could I say that? I don’t know how anyone can love other people without loving themselves. You can’t give away something genuine if you don’t even feel it at all. When I say I love you, I am letting this being know, I will do anything to make them happy. I feel like In this world we do not understand or want to understand love in a way that benefits oneself cause we were not taught how to love in a way that humans connect with. I have felt so hopeless that I let myself think intimacy had to be givin in an exchange for something. Little did I know I was chipping away at my self loathing each time. I was not taught how love is supposed to feel and people take advantage of that. How could they? How dare they see that I don’t have a path that’s clear to successful love so let me teach you and walk the wire with me. This is not how you unconditionally lead someone through life. I was blinded for many years and I have come to forgive myself for believing such lies. I want to try to love only me and no one else forever. I don’t think trust can come in a form that I can hold with out breaking it first before they do. I have been walked all over all my life just for them to say they love me. When I hurt them I don’t love them, when I feel guilty for hurting them justice takes away the guilt. So do I love them? I don’t know. Does one feel love when guilt is behind the corner waiting to cover it up with shame. How do you live knowing love is everywhere but you don’t seek it. How come people don’t want the best for themselves constantly. I may be selfish but I love myself more than anyone on the planet and I mean that. That is the only I love you that I need to hear. And I will do anything to make myself happy.