this is what the inside of my brain looks like

this is sort of something that i wonder if other people relate to. it fine if its just me, but it would be nice to know if someone else out there felt the same.

| every artist's voice is unique. even the ones that recycle old thought. for the majority of my life I have always thought that i had something to say. something to say that others could not voice. been a fly on the wall collecting observations in the jar of my brain. picking up on the subtleties of people's feelings. cringey and cliche i know but, i had always felt different and inferior to those around me. like an outsider looking into something. trying to ascertain little social idiosyncrasies to copy and translate for select audiences and modify my behavior to fit accordingly. like trying to hand someone roses and concealing the thorns with a crust of aluminium foil. compressing the foil so tightly around the stems to sufficate and mask the thorns apperance, so as not to let them peak out. in turn doing the opposite and letting the thorns stab through the glistening pewter.

everytime i have something to say that makes sense to me, im lost for words. it's almost like the kid from miss pergines home for perculiar children that can project dreams through his eye. i need that peculiarallity. (sorry if you don't know the lore)

my psychiatrist compared me as having the same mindset of david bowie. according to him, he was known for saying things like "i want this melody to sound like the colour green". which to me makes perfect sense. but to others won't.

i find it so hard to consume art without other artist ideas seeping into my work, which #1 annoys me, because i don't like recycling of art when it is not needed, nor for the fact that i have always strived to be individual since i was little. i have no idea why, it has just been something that i found was of the utmost importance in the way i expressed myself to the world. so, my question is, how does one view art and draw inspiration without copying and pasting the underlying essence of an idea?

side note: it also sucks ass because every orignal idea that i have had has either been stolen or i have no received the proper accreditation for which grinds my gears even more. i would like some reccognition even if its just minor.

recently i have been changing medication for my depression and anxiety. it makes me feel very conflicted because, i'll forget to take them for ages and just end up feeling more shit than when im on them. obviously listen to what your medical professionals tell you to do, but for me it just feels like a quick fix for an underlying issue. but then going about aiding to tackle to underlying issue is never guranteed to have a positive result or not even knowing in the first place, how to go about tackling it.

its just one of those shitty band aids with barbie or sparkly rainbow your parents would put on a graized knee when you fell over as a kid. it makes you feel better, but then you will eventually have rip it off. which will sting and cause panic and tears.