*male writer voice* i don’t remember her name. it’s not important. i met her at a record store and she went home with me because i offered to buy her cigarettes. she had amazing perky breasts. we drank cheap whiskey and had sex three times that night and then she told me she wanted to be a dragonfly because they were free. i slept with her many times after that. but one day she stopped returning my calls and i don’t know why. that was seven years ago. on monday she got hit by a bus and died. i saw it in the newspaper so i went to her funeral and it made me sad. i don’t know why. i hate my mother even though she pays my rent while i write poetry about masturbating in the shower

Beyonce literally took in oxygen and exhaled carbon dioxide. She literally turned. A. Gas. Into. A. Different. Gas. I don’t think yall understand that Literally no one has ever done that before.

scientists everywhere are gagged

listen you boutta have the thickest smoodie of all time, where is your liquid? your ice? weak ass aesthetics, try again

smh they leave the strawberry tops on… might as well leave the gotdam banana peels on

n im sure the outside of a coconut is mad high in fiber but im not bout ta eat woodchips cause of no govermence scienticians

sometimes, when i want to really treat myself, i turn my phone brightness up juust a little bit. i feel like i’m splurging. like i’m living a king’s life. sometimes i turn it up all the way and i’m like, “this is what god’s phone screen looks like.”

the fact that Sebastian Stan spoke regularly about how much he messed up the car scene with Anthony Mackie and how much they amped up their reactions to Chris having to kiss Emily, and yet Marvel didn’t bless us with any of this footage is just proof that even that which we love will hurt is in the end