I know I'm Not Crazy...!!!
No one really shares what can happen postpartumâŚ
Being a mom was one of the things I knew I wanted to experience since I can remember. So when April 2016 came, finding out I was expecting was a dream come true!! I had a pretty good pregnancy; no morning sickness, didnât gain too much weight, and was expecting a baby girl!! Then the last month of my pregnancy approaches and I am starting to get high blood pressure readings! Really!! The last few weeks lol I have been doing great! Now Iâm back and forth to the hospital due to my high blood pressure. Finally, my baby girl is here! Born a little before Christmas.
  This has to be the best feeling ever!!
 Getting to see your baby for the first time is an experience that you cannot explain! My motherly instincts kicked in immediately. I was so happy!! I stayed in the hospital for about 5 days total to ensure my blood pressure was ok for me to go home. Now Iâm home! A brand new baby! Itâs just me and my boyfriend (her father) with the help of his family. My family lives in another state. I moved away from home a month before I conceived my daughter. Now those feelings are hitting me!! I miss my mom! This is the time sheâs supposed to be around to help me with this baby I just brought home! Months pass now and I am adjusting to this little person I am now responsible for. However, I am finding myself experiencing these emotions that I am unfamiliar with.
 What the heck is this?!?
Why am I crying? Why am I sad and nothing happened? Am I depressed? No, I canât be! I donât have a reason to be! I just had this beautiful baby girl with an amazing man living in a new state away from home!! Life should be great, right?? I was 4 months postpartum, April 2017. A whole year from the best time of my life finding out I was expecting to now the worst time of my life. I didnât have any ill feelings towards my daughter! I loved her so much. I couldnât imagine hurting her. So I didnât think I had postpartum depression because typically you hear stories of women who do not want to be around their baby and feel this disconnect. But that wasnât me. So what is wrong??
 What is wrong with me??
I began to sink more and more into a depressed state. I didnât want to do anything but stay in my room with my baby and lay in bed! I didnât want to hang out with anyone. But then again, I didnât have anyone to hang with! I had just moved to this new state and got pregnant pretty much immediately. All I knew was back home! I started to distance myself from my boyfriend. I would take my frustrations out on him and when he would ask âWhatâs wrong with you?â I wouldnât know how to reply. Because I didnât even understand what was wrong with me! I was starting to have these thoughts of âMaybe my baby will be better off without me!â because I wasnât understanding what was wrong! But then I felt like everything was wrong! Finally, I spoke to my boyfriendâs sister about it and how I think I needed to seek therapy. She helped me find one and I went the next week. But that didnât help!! As soon as I got there, the therapist had given me a questionnaire and some questions touched on suicide. When she seen my responses, she had someone come pick me up and take me to the hospital under suicide watch! I seriously thought I was crazy then!! Why is this happening??? I just remember feeling like this canât be life! I do not want to live like this! Always unhappy, sad, just existing and not living! The nurse they had watching over me was asking me questions, typical âgetting to know youâ types of questions. And I remember thinking he was a little weird, why I donât know.
 But God sent him to me for a reason!!
 As they were about to discharge me after a few hours there, my boyfriendâs sister came up to the hospital to get me. My nurse asked if I believed in God.  I replied, âYes! I do!â He asked if he could pray for me and I said definitely!! Now, I have always believed in God! However, my relationship with him was not the best, at all! And I remember as the nurse was praying for me I felt this sense of peace! Something I hadnât felt in a long time!! His prayer was so powerful! This man did not know me, had never seen me before, nothing! Yet he is praying peace over my life! I was instantly in tears! That was a year and a half ago!
God knew exactly what it was that I needed and when I needed it!
 A long term friend that I had not been speaking to for whatever reason had recently reached out to me. We had some small talk and then she introduces a podcast, Blessed + Bossed Up, to me that I had never heard of. I was instantly hooked after the first episode! The podcast discusses your relationship with God and owning your own business while keeping God in it all! THAT podcast changed my life! And to think that this friend, who I had not talked to in years just reaches out to me out of the blue and sends me this.
 Iâm not who I am called to be just yet, but I am not who I used to be...
Though I still struggled in between then and now, I NOW have that relationship with God that I have been NEEDING!! My walk with God is just beginning! And in this little time, I have learned so much!! I have felt the best I have felt in my entire life!! Iâm on fire for Jesus! I want to get to know him personally! As I started my walk, one of the verses that stood out to me was:
           âDelight yourself also in the Lord, And he shall give you the desires of your heart.â
Psalms 37:4
 We must give ourselves to Jesus! Seek him! Get to know him! He is greater than any depression, anxiety, anger, or any other emotion! Looking back I can now see that he was the missing piece the whole time! He had to place me out of my comfort zone, go through postpartum depression, and isolate me all to get my attention! Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart! God sees what youâre going through! You are not alone! This is the time to seek him! Ask him to come into your life! We cannot do this thing called life without him! I now see joy in my battles! Because I know he is working for my good! And I have this experience to prove it!! I could have not came out of this alive! Itâs just that simple! My daughter would have grown up without her mother! To think he loved me that much to pull me out of that state is overwhelming!! I could not have made it without him!! Seek the professional help you need and seek Jesus! I promise you, you will walk out in victory!!
