breakable

I’m trying to forget the taste of you lips on long drives where the smell of cigarettes was all too common place for us. I wish I could tell you that you destroyed me but that wouldn’t be true because I destroyed me, it’s always me every time breaking down the dam I built in my eyes and letting the waterfalls through. I’m falling, but not for you, I’m falling into old habits of staying up too late and now I’m bitten up finger nails and bleeding lips from chewing all the skin off I could. I’m skinned knees and bloody elbows and screaming your name into my pillow because maybe if I scream it enough it won’t hurt as much when other people say it. We never loved each other, not like we should have anyways. I was your rebound while you were waiting for him to come back and god I would be lying if I said that this didn’t kill me.

I cut my hair last week hoping that removing it would remove your memory from my head but all it did was change the way I look and my mom keeps telling me ‘boys don’t like girls with short hair’ and I keep trying to tell her that’s the point. We haven’t talked in 6 weeks and I wish I could learn to be okay with that but my god I miss you and all the ways you cut me to pieces. You might not have been my first love or my best love or even my love at all but that doesn’t mean I never cared about you and I’ll be damned if this isn’t going to destroy me like all the others did. You aren’t the same person you were when I met you, and I’m sure as hell not either, but god I could have built cities with all the broken promises we made. My heart isn’t broken but it’s still missing pieces I thought that you could fill the holes of but now I know that the only one who can fill the black holes in my heart is me. I realize that you never could have loved me and that hurt more than I care to admit but god even if I didn’t love you I don’t think i could have tried any harder to.