ZZZzzz

been a long ass time y’all, idek who still active on here. I miss some of y’all but I really just am not on social media anymore, facebook sometimes, but with how things have been going it’s just been nice to disconnect from online and connect with irl friends. 

life updates, me and my girlfriend broke up bout a month ago? Mutual thing, but it wasn’t going to work out long term and she just, was not at the same level of social and mental progression as me. No hard feelings or anything, I just deserve better y’know? 

So now I’m just enjoying life... like a lot... it’s kinda weird to be on here and to see the bad mental state that I used to be in when I was here. But I’m like, going to school full time, working full time, doing well after transferring to a 4 year uni, working out, eating healthy, establishing good habits when I can, it’s sobering to feel like you’re doing well. 

Of course there’s the hyper-critical voice that tells you you’re never good enough, but through therapy and meditation that becomes background noise for the most part. 

Anyways, I hope y’all are doing well, I miss people like Sarah, Saga, Shay, among a number of other people. Y’all always made me laugh or were just really interesting people. Wishing the best for y’all, drop me a line if you wanna reconnect, I think I still get notifications thru e-mail for this hell site for some reason lol.

hey, it’s been a while, I’m not really back by any means, but I thought I would update those that are still on here as to what I’ve been doing with my life. 

I moved out of my moms house into my own place now, living with two trans lesbians who are married to one another and are super nice, still working full time, I ended up taking a semester off of school so I could focus on myself for a bit and find housing. I’m still dating my girlfriend, we’ve been together like... 18 or 19 months at this point? It’s going well, I still have pretty bad anxiety but she’s helped me through a lot of it, and so has my therapist. 

I start school in January to start on my bachelors as I got my associates this summer, really excited and nervous because I will be working full time while taking 12 or more credit hours, but I guess that’s par for the course nowadays lol. 

I’m back for a brief bit, probably just gonna post this and look around a little bit. For those of you that are unaware I’ve been taking a break from social media, it’s been about ~2 1/2 weeks now I think, maybe 3, not entirely sure. 

Anyways, the reasons I’ve taken a break/considered deleting are numerous, but the main ones being that social media definitely constituted the lions share of my procrastinating habits and it generally had a negative impact on my mental health, which is something I’ve been coming to value more and more lately as I’ve been seeking therapy for the multitude of issues I’ve been having. 

A lot of the times I was on social media (especially facebook) I would consistently see people make light of infidelity and cheating. I’ve dealt with that pain in the past, and is something I’m still trying to recover from in the relationship I have now as I experience intense paranoia to the point of feeling physically ill and basically shutting down. That combined with the propensity for people on social media to both overshare and buy into that “quirky” and “fun” nihilistic worldview was a really bad combination for developing healthy thought patterns. 

With therapy I’ve been working through past trauma and the effects that it has on me today, and while it’s been positive on the whole that isn’t to say that there are a lot of painful things that I’m forced to relive on a near daily basis. Engaging with the painful thoughts and with social media is probably too much to deal with as it stands right now, maybe in the future when I’ve better learned to cope with my feelings it will be different, but for now I don’t think that is the case. 

I’m really close to finishing up this semester, and by the end of this summer I’ll have my associates so that’s extremely exciting for me, because I always assumed I would be dead at 22. Planning on continuing my education here in Missouri for economic and timing reasons then going somewhere else for my masters, but tbd on that whole deal as it seems so far off.

My relationship is going well, and our anniversary is coming up this month so that’s another thing to celebrate in my life. We’ve had our ups and downs, and her acclimating to my past traumas and the therapeutic exercises I’m doing now have been a struggle, but she’s been so understanding and supportive of my process and I really couldn’t ask for anything else. It’s really been eye opening to me what a healthy relationship can do for you. I communicate so much better now, not just with her but everyone, I’m more open with my feelings, but also more reticent to reveal intimate details to strangers. On the whole this has been an immensely positive experience for me and I really hope anyone that is reading this finds something similar because I know a lot of you deserve it. 

Anyways, that’s what I’ve been up to. Not sure when I’ll check in again, if at all, my queue has run out and I don’t feel particularly inclined to fill it back up. If you read this, thanks, you’ve probably been a loyal follower for a while if you made it to the end of this and I appreciate the experiences I’ve had on here even if I never really grew close to many people on this site.