Untitled

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Quite tired of people right now

Processing how the fuck I can get rejected used and lied to so much in a year only to cap it off with another heart ache of another partner having to move away....

You know I said drive right now I'm heading to work and I'm just swimming with a lot of Thoughts. Negative thoughts. But at the same time I'm trying to be optimistic and overpower those thoughts with positivity. It's a constant everyday struggle. I don't think people realize that. Trying to do better and move on and feel happy and heal and not let things get to me now that I know of my mental health conditionshit's cowboy but it's very difficult to do on your own. I married someone that I thought would be of you to help guide me through the process if something like this ever happened but it turned out that they were just lying somebody's. As they've stated they were insecure and needed validation Among other things for themselves so they move forward With me doing things like Having children in getting a house and getting married. All of that was a fabricated validation for themselves and they take accountability for that but at the same time don't take accountability for why things fell apart. It's easy to gaslight and take responsibility for everything that happened during the relationship but not the end it seems. And now on top of that she's taking my kids as well as Upwriting them from their lives and I'm gonna be seeing them less and also have to be paying her some form of child support? How is that fair the system is f****** b*******. Yeah there's no custody agreement but she couldn't easily file something and have it in her favor, even right now I'm trying to get something done and I'm told that I'll be able to get what I want but still have to pay custody which is f****** b******* if I've been in the kids lives most of their time and I've been taking care of them and don't plan on stopping why should I have to pay her custody for the children When she's the one who left! Boy I'm just tired of thinking about it. I'm handling it the best way I can and usually the best way I can is by distraction and dealing with how I handle things when I'm triggered. It's a constant battle. I keep finding new ways to come up with to go on. I have momentos tat tubes memories all around me that help me remember why I keep going on for my children because they are the only reason I'm still here. I've got multiple people who are interested in me but they have issues themselves so I don't want deal with their issues and my issues at the same time period then I get the people who are level headed that don't want me at all so it's another battle in itself I'm fine with being alone but at the same time when you have people coming at you wondering why you're alone and then you tell them and you realize that that person's Sees you as a genuine person and then completely turns the other direction it's discouraging. I'm just tired. Ready to be done. But I am not allowed to self delete cause then that would not be doing right by the kids.

I'm not ok. And the more I pretend to be ok I feel no more ok. Medicating isn't working and I'm thinking more and more of how I don't want to be here anymore. Just tired. I want to be alone but then I don't. No one gives a shit anymore and more I try to give a shit the less I feel like why bothering. Lost my family. Stuck in the piece of shit job. I blame others to which yes they could have been honest and true from day one rather than walking with me In a lie for over 12 years... even now they continue to get what they want and they just keep wanting fucking more. And cause I have no spine and don't want conflict I'm letting her cause she just that good at manipulative ways. I can argue and she will spin it til I give up and she gets her way, as always. I'm allowed an opinion but it's not valid more than hers. That's how it feels from her when she comes up with her so called compromises. What has she lost? Nothing. Boo hoo she has to get new furniture and stuff when she finds her own place but she still has a place to lay her head, she gained a forever partner a new family and entire brand new life and our kids on top of it.... I'm stuck in the old one we built together..alone. and isolated. Stuck in a prison inside a prison...memories of my family which is now completely broken. Have my mom telling me to fight and do this and that in regards to kids too which just is just added stress (either fight and kill my self doing so or i dont and live and feel like shit daily) Still love my ex but hate her at the same fucking time. Not a day goes by i wish things were back to being us and we just got better... but thsts not possible. Its fairy tale bullshit. I want peace but it doesn't seem possible. 😕 I've lost so much in this entire thing and what do I have to show for it? A house with bitter sweet memories attached to it and constant pain when I sleep and when I'm awake cause I've to watch the love of my life be with another man raising our kids. I get to miss out on half their life for the rest of my life. Still have my physical health but what's that matter when you mental health is shit. I know this has to do alot with being neurodivergent. We suffer alot from depression and its worse when we are isolated like anyone but.... I'm so close to being done. I'm tired of not feeling anything but pain

I miss her.... I know I'm suppose to and instead suppose to be mad at her but I've been in love with her too long to stay mad.... I keep seeing our best times and worse times but we always had that connection.... I thought at least.... I miss her. I wish I could get her back but she's gone and that's a suffering feeling I have to live with. I wish my family back... to be back with her again. Our children....

I don't like what's become of my life. That the people I've come to love simply believe that despite all my willingness to sacrifice and change things makes me wrong and unimportant. How everything I say and do is my fault.... they have made me hate myself. A feeling I didn't think was possible. Well.... they don't have yo worry bout that anymore.